Taking a step

[Cat_R84]

I can’t think back to when I started to feel like something was not right. I don’t know if it was a build-up or just hit. I just remember now questioning if I am actually a good person in so many ways. A good daughter, a good wife, a good mother (the most important thing I hold on to.) Just thinking about it makes me choke and stumble.
It is time I find answers and seek help to bring myself back to the person I knew I once was. I find these days I just get angry, worked up, uncontrollable. I feel like I lose myself and I can’t regroup.
Small things tip me over, I don’t like people and I criticise everything everyone does without reason. I even get jealous of people getting good things even when they are just everyday normal stuff. I am everything I don’t want to be. The only people I find a connection with is my immediate family.
What scares me is how this happens. What is required of me when I already have so little left to give? I spend my days from sun up to sun down caring for my kids and husband and working. I don’t have time to “seek” help. Where do I fit that in? Normally someone would say, “you need to make time for yourself,” but that is much easier said than done. To even give 15 minutes of my time means I have to work even harder later to make up for it.
Today I am going to the doctors to find out what is next. To explain something is not right and I need help but I am scared of what the answers to the help will be as I know I will be given at least the first step, see the first step but not able to take it because I will not give up being there and providing for my kids at all times. I would rather suffer silently inside or away from others observations then give up even the smallest part of who I am to my babies. I know I really can’t go on, but I don’t know how I can’t not let it either.

[kanga_brumby]

Dear Cat welcome to Beyond Blue Forums. Well whilst reading your story all I could see was my story. Except I am a bloke. Plus my partner passed away from cancer. All I can say is keep on trying sweetie. I am doing my best to keep going here I will keep going for my family please keep on keeping on for yours.

Kanga

[jess334]

Hi Cat.R84,

Thanks for posting and welcome to beyond blue.

I'm only a first time mum, but I do understand not wanting to have your mental health affect your kids in any way. I am terrified of showing my anxiety to my baby. But my psychologist made a good point when I bought that up - she said by hiding it I am showing him that mental health issues are something to be ashamed of. I don't want him to hide his feelings when he is older. I want him to ask for help whenever he needs it and to take time for himself to get better.

It's great that you are making time to see your doctor. I know its scary not knowing what treatment they will recommend. Medication really help you feel on top of things again. I really think its more important to be a happy mum who can support a family than keep struggling without meds.

I hope coming on this forum helped a little. Please let us know how you got on with your doctor if you can.

Kind thoughts, jess

[Nurse_Jenn]

Hi Cat.R84

Your post really resonated with me not just on a professional level but on a personal one as well. I am a first time mum, have just recently gone back to work and am still trying to 'keep up' with everything pre-baby. I definitely understand the challenges of trying to juggle and keep all the balls up in the air.

You are taking a great first step by going to see your doctor and being nervous about the answers you might find is totally normal. I also want to reassure you that having symptoms of worry and low mood are really common. You will see here on the forum that you are not alone and sometimes a little help can go along way.

By taking care of your own mental health may actually make you feel as though you have more time as you won't be so worried about things or may have better quality sleep. Many people can take simple strategies and find a lot of relief in dedicating 20 - 30 minutes per day towards their own wellness. This could be done through mindfulness or meditation or perhaps it is seeing a health professional once per week. It could also be taking time to do physical exercise or something else that might help improve your mood.

I look forward to hearing how your GP appointment went and I know with persistence and finding the right solution, you will find the balance in your life that you are looking for. If you don't have the right conversation with your GP, don't give up as there is someone else out there that will be your guide on your journey towards wellness.

Wishing you the best possible outcome,

Nurse Jenn