Leaving SSRIs Behind

[s64aqua]

Hi

i really don't expect any response to this but after 15 years I realised antidepressants were not helping me. I needed to access my old self and was confident that he would be strong enough and wise enough. I still think he is but.....

i began reducing my dose from a plus 25% prescribed overdose back in April. Was being very careful. Each step down seemed to have me feeling better. Clarity was fantastic and building hope. 3 weeks ago I went cold turkey from a dosage 1/5 of where I was in April. This has been hellish. Lucky I lost my job in September because I would have surely either lost it under adverse circumstances since.

My symptoms are numerous. I am so angry I ever agreed to take antidepressants and scared, so very very frightened. Stopping taking the drug has left me totally useless something I can only mitigate by staying busy, walk the dog, sweep the floor, cook a meal too big for one then not eat it at all.

Even if nobody reads this I don't care, feels a bit better to have described this. So thanks for a place to write it down.

[Just Sara]

Hi and welcome Aqua;

Firstly, I hear you buddy, loud and clear. This subject comes up so often I couldn't count, so you're not alone. You've taken the first step to recovery by posting on BB and asking for help..so well done!

The thing that strikes me from your story, is that you haven't mentioned if you've reduced your AD dose under the supervision of your GP. Many people do this and end up the same way you have. The chemical imbalance in your brain that required AD's in the first place is probably still there. It's highly unlikely the med's caused your problems, but this is just my opinion, your GP will clarify better than I can.

Most times, balancing the right dose of AD's is a matter of trial and error. You spoke of feeling really good while reducing, but when you stopped, those feelings left. This seems to be a good indicator the medication actually works for you.

Medication is prescribed to enhance your quality of life especially with home, relationships and work. The benefits far outweigh your fears, but again, this needs to be discussed with your health professional/s.

This forum has many sections and threads that may interest you and help to alleviate fears and give info and confidence with moving forward. Many people have these types of issues posted daily. It will help you to not feel alone or isolated.

There are links and information below including BB's counselling service on 1300224636 to speak to someone.

There are people on this site who've been taking AD's for over 20 yrs and probably will for the rest of their lives. You didn't say what made you first give them up; what symptoms did you experience? Could you expand on what a prescribed overdose is please? I've not heard of this before, and it may help others who read your thread as well.

Please keep in touch as chatting and reading about others may be of assistance to you.

Sconnor (Hugs)

[s64aqua]

Thanks Sconnor.

So here's the thing, I began reducing because I had no positive moods at all but still lows. When my mum died last year I lost my way a little emotionally and my psychiatrist bumped up my medication. My dr explained explained that that was the highest recommended but rather than change meds we tried this first. monthly monthly specialist visits had become prt of my routine but they were so scripted and I was not really engaged and not making progress. I started lying at each session, talked up the month that had been, smiled a lot. I felt bad about that and especially so because all I wanted really was to stop seeing a psychiatrist just so my meds could be managed. Like I said I wasn't sure they were doing anything except make everything flat. This was perhaps highlighted by my reaction to having a heart attack last feb. Rationally I understand it's serious but I really wasn't scared or upset about it. No emotional reaction at all.

So I decided to begin reducing and see if I could get some control back. Foolishly I haven't spoken to my GP or the psych either. Why? Because I figured they would not agree. Conflict based on my wants/ opinion is something I have never mastered. Part of the reason I lost my job recently as it happens. Gosh I am rambling.

Anyway, at the end of the day all I wanted was to get at least occasional good feelings, to be able to cry and be able to care again. On the meds I never cried. Felt like it but no matter what no tears came out. I describe it as not being able to feel.

Thanks again. Your response was nice and structured, concise. Good for a person like me.

[Just Sara]

You know what Aqua? I so get where you're coming from; you're not rambling at all.

Thanks also for the complement re structure of my post...nice. You haven't done too bad either my friend. Just so you know ok?

In regards to the feeling stuff, there are many on here who've suffered or are suffering the same thing; on or off med's. I'm not in this category because I trained myself and gave me permission to express those feelings.

I'm not sure of your background or familial stuff, but grief for the loss of a loved one is really normal, so I don't understand the rationale of you psych to up your dose. This (my opinion) would usurp the process by knocking out the ability to feel even more.

Have you considered changing health care professionals? There's an 'art' to allowing ourselves to feel if it's been repressed through childhood or PTSD for instance. By that I mean, you may have been slapped on your head for crying or getting angry. It's just a thought ok? Not a diagnosis.

I'm in my mid 50's and hearing of your heart attack is a trip down 'reality' lane. Stress can be a short walk off a long plank if you know what I mean. Getting that stuff out is more than healthy, it's normal. But identifying the causes and triggers needs intellect and guts. Your psych sounds like he/she doesn't get this.

We need sleep more than anything. AD's are notorious for keeping the mind too alert not to mention some side affects that men find particularly 'frustrating'. Again, I don't know your story so I can't comment on specifics here.

As a peer supporter, I hope to lead you towards helping yourself through experience and knowledge here on BB. Please check out other threads and sections and contribute if you want to become more familiar with how things work and where you might find similar stories and support.

Keep it coming man...I'm here and not going anywhere...looking forward to your (so called) ramblings ok?

Sconnor (hugs)

[s64aqua]

An art to feeling. I can understand that. Truth is my default position is that my feelings are always wrong or inappropriate. When mum died it was never more so. She drew her last breath, and as I watched her doing that I was relieved it was over. Perhaps I was even glad she was gone. All the complexity, all the love and hate gone from my life or so I thought. But she stays there, as a mental image of her dilapidated body at the end or a memory of a conversation when I was a child, her praise when I did good or her withheld affection when I didn't and never quite grasping what I was supposed to do to keep it all even.

I want to go through this stuff with a professional but somehow I have avoided for years looking for a new therapist. Being treated just for depression doesn't meet my needs and anyway I say to myself, I should be able to "fix" myself. It's not like I was physically abused and honestly on balance my life has been a priveledged one. Still, now, I have a little hope that maybe it is possible to find someone who can help me. Mostly you know, it would be great to not hate myself. To be able to do things for me (all sorts of things not just bucket list type things) without feeling guilty or selfish and without needing permission from some authority other than myself.

If I don't actively seek help I know I will be stuck on "level 1 " for the rest of my days. That isn't what I want.

[Just Sara]

Hi Aqua;

I'm sure you don't get it, but I do. The fact you're on here questioning us and yourself, is a great step towards self exploration and recovery. It's one step at a time, so wanting everything to just fall into place doesn't work and never will. One thing I can help you with though, is being told what to do. We all want this when we're unwell.

Picking out one subject to hone in on, will eventually lead to the next issue of contention. Our minds, the 'knowing' part, has an extraordinary way of giving us what we need, and can cope with in the moment. We just have to let it do its job. Too many emotions and thoughts will confuse this process.

I don't know what type of work you do, but I'm sure you'll agree, that if you tried to deal with a desk full of papers and daily tasks all at once, the outcome wouldn't be pretty. Prioritising to-do lists makes all the difference right? It's the same with recovery.

I just wrote on a thread I've been apart of for a while. This man is highly intelligent but has a tendency to write random thoughts. I'm an organiser; I take those random thoughts and prioritise them, so we complement each other.

If you were to prioritise what ails you more than anything, what would it be? Not being able to feel? Self loathing? What about the confusion and grief for your mum? Losing your job? Your therapist? I don't know you, yet I've listed 5 things that need attention.

You'll also find, that if you choose any one of the above issues, they'll all have something in common like 'guilt'. This feeling is so destructive to anyone trying to overcome 'life' and its trappings; it's absolutely useless!

I do want to tell you about the grief of losing my Nan, but that can come at a later stage. It's an anecdote that may give you some relief from that guilt of yours ok?

I've given some food for though Aqua...have a think about it and get back to me. I'm on here most days unless I have my own stuff to deal with. But I usually give people the 'heads up' first.

Take it easy and get off your back...gentle, kind and patient. That's what you'd do for your child yes?

Warm blanket...Sara (hugs)

[CheeseSlices]

I hear you.

There are a few really good sites and forums about withdrawing from SSRI's which are a wealth of information that is not available from doctors for the withdrawal process.

I am approx 6 months out from my last SSRI drop and things are still bad, but I have so much more hope for the future now! That was truly lost on those drugs. I did my drop far too fast too - at the will of the doctors in hospital. 25% over a week or two dropping it down. It was awful. It doesnt have to be like that if you do the drops slower - but this does that much longer. They dont tell you they can potentially take years to get off. I am angry too. My daily ability is so diminished but I have found hope online.