I'm not sure if my new therapist is right for me...

[LittleSoftie]

Hi there,

I have started seeing a therapist after many years of coping on my own. She is not my first therapist but after several bad ones (not cheap either) I just gave up for a while. The thing is, I am an intelligent woman, capable of reading books on cognitive behavior and following the steps they provide, but its not enough, I'm finding that although in the short term they inspire me to heal and get on my feet again, they don't touch the emotional issues that are at the core of my negative feelings and horrible bouts of depression and anxiety and paranoia, as a result no matter how many positive affirmations I voice and meditations and breathing techniques I utilize I keep breaking down, falling apart, and of late this has been public (in the workplace) and I'm devastated and ashamed of my inability to control my emotions. I desperately wanted to find a therapist who doesn't just preach practical advice and serve me more reading to do, but who can actually help me to access the underbelly of my issues.

The first thing that the new therapist started on was breathing techniques, followed by the 'take long walks ' ... 'eat well..' sort of thing. I do, do these things, and I tell you if it were that easy I wouldn't need a therapist or anti-depressants for that matter. I told her that I was a very sensitive and somewhat passive person and found it difficult to deal with people who are highly stressed, or overbearing in nature. Her response to this was that I needed to become more assertive.  While I agree that this is sound advise, I can't become more assertive until I learn how to control my emotions..   so this endless cycle ensues.... I'm not sure whether she just doesn't get it, or whether I'm not understanding her...

What are other peoples thoughts on their expectations of therapy? is this the way all therapists are (toughen up strategies) ? are there any other solutions apart from the very popular ACT, cognitive behavior etc...  and/or have these techniques helped anyone permanently?

thanks

[hope4joy]

Hi there Little Softie,

I'm not sure i can answer your questions but I want to let you know that I've read your post and am sorry to hear that it is so challenging finding a good fit with a therapist. I can share a little of my experience in the hope it might help in some way. I'm also an independent woman and like to solve problems on my own if I can. I also eat well, exercise, do relaxation and can be very disciplined etc but still have emotional struggles. I've had a few therapists but only recently (well for two years now) have I had someone ongoing. Because I'm so independent and outwardly capable, I find it incredibly difficult to trust others and to open up about my difficulties and struggles. It has been a real process of ups and downs being in therapy and it might sound crazy but it took me at least the first 1.5 years to start to really trust my therapist, and the relationship continues to grow more trustful and open. I don't get much advice in therapy, for me it is mostly talking about whatever i'm struggling with, and i can direct where sessions go. My therapist often tries to highlight where I've done well or improved in situations. For the first 1.5 years I had a lot of transference with my therapist - I'd become fearful of her, angry at her, annoyed at her, though she didn't care etc so therapy was mostly working through these emotions, as they replicate what happens to me in relationships outside of therapy.

 I guess that for me no therapist has everything i need - for me i've stuck with this one because i can trust her, i can afford her! and she is empathetic and seems to give helpful perspectives on situations - and overall i am managing my emotions better and no longer doing self destructive behaviours. But i do still have struggles with depression. I feel that now I have this trust,  in the new year i will raise the need to re evaluate where therapy is heading. i'm interested in schema therapy and really challenging some of my negative though patterns head on. My therapist is happy to switch between techniques although i guess she also has her primary style of mentalisation based therapy - helping me interact without jumping to wrong conclusions or assumptions.

I've seen great online articles about 'what makes a good therapist' - there is a group called 'Good Therapy Australia' that has quite a bit of helpful info. Good luck and keep posting,

Christina 🙂

[LittleSoftie]

Thanks ☺

 your response has given me hope. I've decided that the therapist wasn't right for me but have found another who I'll see in a few days. You're so lucky to have found someone to build that safe relationship with. 

[Anroca78]

Dear Littlesoftie,

An attempt to be less sceptical and a little more open minded, I too over the years tried about 5 psychologists and I think they all read the same handbook! 

I did the thought diary, meditation( hopeless!) we did the pie graphs that was suppose to move my negative thoughts to happy thoughts etc. Relief would last till I walked out the door and back into reality. 

Then I was actually diagnosed bipolar and referred to my ever first Psychiatrist, bigger qualifications, bigger expense( about 0-$150 more expensive than therapists and that was only for half hour session)but I thought now I will get great help. She was very friendly...when I walked in with a smile, not so when I went in anxious or manic. 3 yrs I have seen her,  3 months ago I begged her to take me off work and after an hour of diagnose( and more out of fear of my manic rambling) she agreed with my G.p who wanted me off work a year ago due to exhaustion (large doses of meds) and that I was really genuinely  was not coping. 

 The psych gave me the wrong form for Centrelink, Centrelink gave me the wrong form for her to fill out and after $115 dollars for a 15 min consult, due to fact I had to re see my psychiatrist( more friggin stress) she turned around and told me I could of got the form off my (free)G.p! And I did ,1 week later no work for 3 months was given due to sick/stress leave. 

I told my G.p and she was great with everything, I wish she could be my psychiatrist, but she can't write out scripts only psychiatrists can. 

She also wanted to refer me to the psychiatrist my partner has seen for 10yrs( he is beautiful and maybe could help me) but when she rang to refer me it was costly, $400 to be exact for 1st referral. I am slowly saving hard for that. He might not be better but at this point in time I can't keep seeing my female psychiatrist, what trust was there now has been broken. 

See a psychologist was her last advice! I am in your situation, psychiatrists are expensive and you can't afford to shop around! Psychologists( think happy thoughts!) are no expense or way cheaper yet they don't seem to get to the real problems that are causing bad symptoms or worries. 

Many people find the right help, and that's great.I truly do believe that help is out there and hey, even reading some of these amazing posts on Beyondblue has helped me in times. 

😊

[LittleSoftie]

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply. 1 year to be exact.thanks for sharing your story. It really isn't cheap to get help and I guess that's why I expect so much.I saw a new therapist for a few months, he was $120 per hour. Now that's crazy. He kept trying to make me feel grateful for what I have, which just made me feel guilty for feeling low and like a failure for not being able to rise above the anxiety. So I stopped seeing him.

These forums help so much more.

[White_Rose]

Dear Little Softie

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. I am so used to seeing the date as 2016 that I got quite confused when you said your reply to Anroca was a year late. It will probably take several months for me to get used to writing 2017.

I am really sorry you have had this amount of trouble finding a decent therapist. I saw a psychiatrist many years ago and I did not get on with him. He was always late for appointments causing me problems at work, fell asleep while I was talking and various other things.

So no psych therapy for a long while, but getting heaps of help from my GP. I too read a great deal and what I have come to believe is that these books are not enough. I need a therapist who is also well-read and who can utilise these various techniques in the way they were meant. For a huge pile of reasons I eventually went to a psychiatrist at the urging of my GP early last year. She is a wonderful doctor and I trust her completely. She, and her colleagues keep an eye the good specialists, not only psychs, and refers her patients accordingly.

So I have seen this psychiatrist for about ten months. And I am impressed. She put up with my initial crankiness, because I didn't want to be there, and listened to me. I felt my comments were quite disjointed but the psych picked out the relevant information and then described the other people impacting on my life. To say I was surprised is putting it mildly.

I don't get homework, I don't get told how to manage, I do get empathy for my hurt and best of all I get explanations. This lovely woman worked out my past life and we are now discussing the impact on me and why and how I behave as I do. That's why I think we need someone to help us get on track, because I would never have made the progress I have on my own. If someone sticks a pin in you and you jump and say 'ouch', it's not much help to be told to think of pleasant things. Well not unless you are about smack the person who stuck the pin.😊

So we talk and she tells me how our bodies and minds work. And of course we can read all about that, but not how it relates to the unique person that is you or me. I think I am pretty bright, but when we are full of pain, or the black dog has us by the throat we do not, in general, think straight.

I am disappointed for you that your GP has not looked around for a good psych. Doctors are in the best position to know who is who on the block. If I may suggest, ask your GP to ask around for a good psych.

Mary