My boyfriend has severe depression and I need support

[Stuckinmud]

Hi everyone. I'm feeling very lost with my situation. My boyfriend of 3.5 years has depression, and I'm not coping very well. He switches between sleeping all day AND night, to sleeping during the day but being up all night, so most of the time our sleeping patterns don't match and I rarely get to see him during the day. On the odd occasion he'll be able to wake up in the morning and do things during the day. We sleep in different rooms, however we do sometimes sleep together, but it has to be in his bed in the back room. He's taking 6 different antidepressants each day, he has body tremors in bed, sweats profusely in bed, gets irritable very easy, has no sex drive, doesn't cook or clean and expects me to go to the supermarket to buy food, otherwise he'll continuously buy take away food and get it delivered. It's a huge strain on me, and at times I just can't handle it. I have a disability and suffer from tiredness, depression and lack of motivation, just to name a few. His depression was improving recently after starting his 6th medication, but now it's just back to sleeping a lot again.Whenever he drinks, he does it to the point of passing out. Whenever he's awake, he just plays the xbox or watches Netflix in the back room. I feel lonely. He does have his good days, but they aren't often. He doesn't give me much affection, and often pushes me away, and he's quite critical of what I do and don't do. My mum and friends don't understand why I put up with this, and I know it's not my responsibility to look after his well-being, but he has actually done something about it and stuck to it since I've been with him. I've been encouraging him to never give up, and he's made the effort to go to Dr's appointments and tell them if he sees no improvement.I do love him very much, but it's very hard on me at times, and I've never experienced someone with this severe depression. I don't really know what I'm asking for, I just need support.

[blondguy]

Hello Stuck

Welcome to the Beyond Blue community. Im Paul and have had depression since the late 90's and it can be a mongrel of an illness. I understand where you are coming from and what you are going through.

The symptoms are all there for sure including the night sweats which are a pain. Even with depression he should be having some respect for you too as a carer. The continuous buying of take away would bug me too.

Can I ask you Stuck....Does he have any anxiety attacks and if he does how bad are they? Also...how long has he been on the Anti-Depressants for? Sorry...last question...how often are his visits to his GP/Therapist?

The irritability and being overly critical of you are signs of a person with depression but has this continued even after his treatment started? You don't need this behavior and depression is no excuse for him being this way towards you.

If you scroll to bottom of this page you will see a Header 'Supporting Someone' This can be a great tool for you.

You reaching out is a sign of great strength...Well done to you:-) There are many super kind people on the forums that suffer depression. It would be great if you could post back!

Kind Thoughts

Paul

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you for your response, Paul.

He doesn't have anxiety attacks, but he has suffered from anxiety when he was younger. He's been on his antidepressants since late 2013, however the first one prescribed was not doing anything, so he had to do a few changes of medication. It's been only in the past year that he's been given multiple antidepressants to take. His Dr sees him every 2 months to check how he's going with the medications. He has been critical of me even after starting the medication. Out of everything he does, that affects my self esteem the most. He swears at me and I tell him I don't like the way he speaks to me, but he still continues.

I came across this sites by luck. I was googling how to deal with a partner pushing me away and there was a link to this. I was hoping to find an online support group for this because I need advice and support.

[Stuckinmud]

I've also already checked out the Supporting Someone advice. It was good, but I feel better speaking with real people going through or having experienced similar situations and most importantly, remaining anonymous.

[blondguy]

Hi Stuck...I really appreciate your response. The forums are very very secure...I have only been on here since January and was mega nervous to post. Its probably one of the best moves I have made as I needed some support and wanted also to provide support because I have had this illness for so long.

I have seen many posts similar to yours and a lot worse. As a sufferer of depression I find it sad that he is still 'venting' his anger (being overly critical to you..his support person) on you.

I see that your boyfriend has being seeing his doc every two months which is good....If I may ask you....does your boyfriend see a psychologist at all? I am sorry to ask another question...but it will help me try to help you......when your partner is critical of you....does he raise his voice at all?.....yell...loudly?

Th reason I ask this is because it seems that he still has a lot of built up anger in his system which should not be directed at you......Depression is no excuse for what you are going through Stuckinmud.

I know you love him and are a kind and patient carer too.....but...

Your health is paramount and all other considerations are secondary

By the way...I am happy that you came across our forums by luck....You have just made my day 🙂

We are here for you

Paulx

[blondguy]

Hi Stuck...

How do you communicate with your boyfriend with depression? Good question...and a difficult one to do even as the good carer you are.

I know that you mentioned that he is overly critical and I posted above that even with depression its no excuse for a guy to be treating you the way he is....If its okay can I mention again what I said above so we can try to help you?........

The reason I ask if your boyfriend is seeing a psychologist is because it seems that he still has a lot of
built up anger in his system which should not be directed at
you......Depression is no excuse for what you are going through Stuckinmud.

We are here for you

Paul

[Stuckinmud]

Thank you. I've replied twice already to your previous post but it isn't showing. He doesn't see a psychologist. He's seen one about a year ago but said it did nothing for him.

[Stuckinmud]

If finally worked.

In response to your other question, he doesn't yell at me when he criticises, only when he's telling me to shove off (the moderators won't let me post the actual word he says) when I touch him and he doesn't want to be touched. He also jabs me with his elbow and pushes me away with his foot when he wants to push me away.

[blondguy]

Hi Stuck....sorry about your responses...unfortunately they don't go through straight away....being subject to moderation.

Okay....I have had severe depression since 1997 and see a psychologist every 3 months and my GP every month for a check up.

How would your boyfriend go getting regular (even monthly) appointments with a counselor. Its only my opinion as a sufferer but he really needs to make an appointment ....If he really wants to heal he will book in asap...Regular visits will help him recover properly and thus improve your relationship/communication levels.

I am glad you posted back Stuck....sorry about the system....the posts are checked to protect your privacy and security so you can post in a secure environment. I had a few posts that went invisible a few nights ago...I feel your pain..If I may ask....does your boyfriend talk or raise his voice at you? (if thats okay)

We are here for you....

Paul

[Stuckinmud]

He doesn't raise his voice when criticising me, but his tone of voice is sometimes mean.