Husband with depression but diverts blame

[Cupid]

My husband has all the traits for depression, he is on anti depressants but has said he wants to end our marriage and be alone, he is making me feel so ill, worthless and distraught, he refuses counselling and says he still has a bit of love for me but not enough to move forward. He refuses to answer any Questions, He blames me for everything, he can’t take any form of criticism himself. He is playing on his x box between 3-8 hours a day and drinking over 100 cans of Coke Zero each week. I don’t want our marriage to end, however, if I try to talk and suggest help he shuts me down saying it’s final.. what can I do? Friends and family tell me he’s the bully not me.

[Sophie_M]

Hi there,

Thank you for posting on the forums this morning and for sharing what has been going on for you. Please know that you've come to a safe, non-judgemental space to talk things through and our community is here to offer as much support, advice and conversation as you need. It sounds like you are in a really difficult position at the moment and in a really tough point in your relationship with your husband. It can be heartbreaking watching someone we love go through depression. It sounds like you are been trying really hard to get him some support and doing everything you can for him, however it is at the point where it is hurting you now. It sounds like your friends and family are worried about you. It is important that you do not neglect yourself and your own needs. We are here for you on the forum but if you would like some help finding mental health support, we would recommend that you get in contact with the Beyond Blue Support Service. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport  One of our friendly counsellors will be able to talk through these feelings with you and can offer support, advice and referrals.  Kind Regards,

Mod Support. 

[815]

Hi Cupid,

Welcome to the forums. Good on you for posting. I know it can be hard to get that first post out.

I don't think I can offer any words of advice. Except to let you know that I know how heartbreaking your situation is as I am going through something very similar, and I am feeling all the things you are feeling.

As hard as it is, I do encourage you to try to look after yourself. Many people have told me that depression is usually taken out on those closest to them...as sad as that is, maybe it will help you to realise that you are not to blame... I also think that if you want to hang around and to continue trying to support your husband to seek help, that self care is so important because the situation can definitely wear you down.

Keep posting your thoughts here if you think it will help. Take care.

[DedicatedToHealth]

Cupid, I can only suggest you give him loving thoughts (yes he maybe in denial or avoidance but he is unwell and deserves kindness). Be patient, his healing may take some time. Be understanding, he may be one of those blokes (like my family, loved ones) who struggle with identifying how they feel, what they want, how to communicate with loved ones, how to think about the future etc. he may also know exactly what he needs?? So respect must be given to his request for space.

most of all be kind to yourself: give yourself the time, friendships, support you need.

tell him: i know what you said, I respect your wishes, I will give you space, I still love you and if there is a way for us to be together I will be here.

hopefully he gets support from other blokes who may be kind and wise to get him into a good space to make good decisions.

sometimes some men just shut down, emotionally, verbally, physically (withdrawal into gaming, drinking or any other diversions). They need help but it has to come from someone or something (organisation etc) that he will open up to.

you both need some TLC. And...I hope things work out.

**I do want to say bullying is never ok and maybe you could talk to a trusted, non involved person who can give you some objective advice on the behaviour.

[tranzcrybe]

Hi Cupid,

Yes, you are in a predicament and my sympathy goes out to you.

As you are being seen as 'the enemy', words will have little impact, and more words will be resisted further; and your husband's preoccupation with gaming and excessive drinking (albeit non alcoholic) is a sign of withdrawal from reality.

Although professional treatment is the best path, it must be voluntary - I would recommend finding a good Men's Shed (meaning one that caters to your husband's specific interests - woodwork, metalwork, craft, etc). This will provide some social and physical interaction within a relaxed environment where chances are he will open up about his issues (it also gives you a break while out of the house).

Regards,

t.

[Tanya_P]

Hi,

I am new here but I am going through a very similar situation to what you are both going through. I have been with my partner for 2 1/2 years and he has just been diagnosed with depression. He has attended one psychology appointment and has his next one next Saturday. He has not been put on any medication as yet and is refusing to go to the GP to get some himself. He doesn't seem to want to help himself. I have a severe disability and all I know is "helping myself" because if I don't, who will?? So this idea of not wanting to seek help for something that must be so unpleasant is really foreign and I am not understanding it. My partner is doing a lot of similar things to yours like blaming me for situations, being mean, turning what I say into something nasty that I didn't say at all. It's really hard. I am sorry you are both going through such difficult times as well. Unfortunately, I don't really have anything to tell you, other than also to try to look after yourselves, because I am really struggling too.