The constant struggle.

[Centaured]

Why do I wake with thoughts of wanting to die...the struggle of the previous day hasn't stopped and it has already started from the moment my eyes open and will last til I close them again and then continue to go on until sleep takes me or I give in. I have found nothing really seems to give me relief from these thoughts.

So what is so bad about my life you may ask. What is so wrong or bad my existence that is the only thing ever in my head. Well nothing really, so I don't know why I want to die. I just do. I just need every to stop. I want the only permanent solution to my life.

I'm tired of dealing with this all the time. I'm tired of fighting that person in my head that tells me to do it. I'm just tired.

[On The Road]

Hey Centaured,

Glad you are safe and are supported. Enjoy the environment if it makes you feel better, spend overnight in the hospital is expensive, mate!

Leave the role of Grinch to me, I have always been the one who better not show up at the Christmas party lol. as they said, "come on, be a lively person, it's holiday"

It is hard, indeed. Every moment, every day.

Take care

[therising]

Hi Centaured

Although the circumstances which led you to hospital are so obviously deeply challenging, I'm so glad you're able to feel a difference between this hospital and others. What do you think makes this one so outstanding? You mention the staff. I think some people are born to do what they do, you can just feel it, whereas others aren't necessarily born for the role of carer but they study it anyway.

Tasmania sounds like it was intensely triggering. If you had any doubt as to why you left there, now I imagine you're left with no doubt at all, whatsoever. I'm glad you managed to make it to hospital after your visit to Tasmania. Sounds like it was the best possible way to manage following up on that trip. While it's typical for people to recall all the memories from a trip somewhere, to be managing recalling trauma that came from a particular trip is mind altering. As you face the way this trip has impacted you mentally, physically and soulfully, I'm glad you've got people supporting you in managing.

Was saying to my mum just yesterday how we feel what we imagine, what we bring to mind or what naturally comes to mind. The mind can generate such a physical experience. It's like how when you imagine something incredibly sad, based on past experience, you can feel what that thought does to you, you can feel the sadness in your body. Same with stress, same with happiness, same with just about anything else. If you're a sensitive person, you're going to feel it. The reason I mentioned this to her is based on the fact she can't tolerate December all that well. For her, December marks the month where those who she's loved dearly in life have passed away (such as her dad, mum, brother etc) or some other trauma has happened. She dreads December. As it approaches, she becomes physically ill, based on the dread and sadness. I think anyone who says you have to be happy around a particular time of year, such as December or Christmas time, hasn't experienced great trial, trauma and upset around such times. They simply can't relate. While you feel your way through Christmas one way, others feel their way through Christmas differently. Centaured, you find whatever feelings work for you, to make it through this time of year. If 'Switched off to a lot of the usual Christmas stuff' works, then do that. If 'Imagining Christmas in some outside the square way' works, do this.

Would love to know more about your art. Are you a painter, sculptor, bit of everything?

[Centaured]

On the road- I hope you're going ok today. We grinches can come together and form our own "Christmas party". We can play sad/really loud music, complain about the weather, eat whatever and however much we feel like, even if it's nothing but a Vegemite sandwich, we can lie in bed and watch Netflix, or have a cry together. Or just laugh at the silliness Christmas brings to some people and acknowledge that Christmas can be hard for a lot of people so come together and uncelebrate it.

I feel really alone today. But my two best friends surprised me with a visit and some gifts this morning. I was so shocked, they are amazing, kind people.

It's hard being stuck in a hospital bed feeling alone and having so much going on in my head.

Therising- I think the way this hospital is run and definitely the staff employed in the observation unit helps make this one different. Also WA has way better systems and resources than Tas. I've been to this hospital a few times now and I'm getting to know it, this is currently my longest admission here and I don't feel like I'm wasting their time, and I feel like they genuinely want to help me.

In regards to the later part of your post, I don't really experience that as I have sever dissociation and depersonalisation so it hard for me to feel and connect to my body andy surroundings, even connecting to flashbacks I just go numb and shut down and can't move instead of refeeling the trauma again. I'm not much of a feeler, I'm more a thought/logic driven person (even if that logic is distorted)

[Chris_Tas]

In response to On The Road I'm sorry but that isn't correct.

I've had 4 admission of 3 day plus and hasn't cost a cent and I'd encourage Centaured to stay in care for as long as required.

Not having a go at you but no the mental health wards are completely free outside the medicine you take home (which is always tiny)

Only reason I posted as I don't want Centaured to be scared about a big money bill which won't happen.

Chris

[Chris_Tas]

You're in a safe place and I'm glad you are feeling like Drs care.

Maybe I've been lucky but outside a couple (in all the visist) I've felt valued and genuinely wanting to help.

You relax mate (easier said than done) but yeah please try as I nearly in hospital night too so I get it.

I really do mate.

You aren't alone, far from it in fact.

Chris

[Centaured]

Chris- On the road may have been referring to private hospitals (which there isn't really any in Tas) and they cost over a 1000 a night and very common on the mainland.

And thank you. Im struggling a bit rn. But I asked for some strong prn with my night meds so hopefully I'll just sleep soon and that'll mean Its the first time in over 10 yeas that I was safe on a Christmas.

I pretend today was just another day. Nothing special about it etc. There were only 3 other people in the unit so it's been quiet. Just stayed in my room and coloured, listened to music and played on my phone. Tried not to focus on reasons why Christmas is so bad for me. But we got through it.

[Chris_Tas]

Yes Centaured a few private hospitals are here in Tas.

The post was simply wrong. You can't go to private without insurance so forget it was posted.

All good and get some sleep mate.

Take it easy and watch the Aussies (hopefully) play well in the cricket but more importantly you look after yourself

[On The Road]

Hi Chris, thanks for pointing this out. I'm sorry for the post for the way I talked was too casual and jokingly. I was "stereotyping" the hospitalization experiences that ppl know from the media (news, tv drama etc.), and didn't mean to give the misinformation. Sorry about that.

Centaured, it is good to hear that you can stay in a fairly quiet and safe space to do your own thing. which is what I'm gonna do in the next couple of days, cleaning, sorting and decluttering, donating and reselling.

[Chris_Tas]

Not a worry at all.

I guess I didn't want Centaured to worry a bill.

All I need same page and health the priority

[Chris_Tas]

*bit*