I keep fucking up

[imtrying_]

lately i have realised that i am just a horrib;e person. all of my friends have left me because of my actions, my negligence, my erratic behaviour. I always seem to say the wrong thing or not say enough. I cant treat anyone correctly. even my own boyfriend. I forgot his birthday (he says its fine but i hate myself for it), i'm always burdening him with my episodes and I'm never fun to be around anymore.

I have been in an intense depressive episode for the last week. I've started sh again. Ive stopped eating. I can barley bring myself to talk to anyone. I havnt seen anyone aside from my family in a week. 

tonight I asked if my boyfriend could come over and he said yeas but he was really tired so could it wait until tomorrow? I said that was fine but that I wished he could have seen me sooner instead of spending every night of the last week at his friends place. And that's not really fair, I never asked him to come over, I never made it clear that I wanted company and in fact explicitly stated that I wasn't up for communication much less seeing anyone. idk I just got really depresdsed tn and realised that Im jealous of his friends and i miss him and i must not be good enough for him if hed rather see them than me.

i know these thoughts arent reality but i did think them. And i feel horrible for it. i cant trust anyone. i hate so easily i mistrust so easily. I keep making people have to walk away from me or take a break bercause of how full on i am, and then i get angry or defensive or grovelling to make them come back and it just causes so much stress.

I'm an unhealthy presence in everyines lives. I can't change. Ive tried. Im going to be like this forever. I rreally think that I have to die in order to make things right. I hate the person that I am. I hate her. I cant do this to people anymore

[imtrying_]

update: i forgot that I have work today and ive let down the entire team by being late. it's very time sensitive work and i have failed by not being there to do it on time. 

i can not do anything right. every single action negatively impacts someone else. i am a fucking monster. i am a failure.

[Sophie_M]

Hello imtrying_

Thank you so much for sharing what you are going through with our community. Things sound so incredibly challenging for you right now and I can see just how relentless and unkind this voice in your head can be. Our inner critic can feel so real, can't it? And it can be hard not to listen to - especially when it's becoming louder and more prominent - it kind of feeds into its own story. Often, this critical voice is actually trying to protect us from potential pain (ironic, isn't it?) 

It sounds like you are putting an immense amount of pressure on yourself to be a perfect version of you that is always palatable. I think it would be really healing for you and your friendships to better understand your more 'erratic' parts, but it would also be equally healing to be gentle and compassionate with yourself. It's okay to get things wrong; you are still worthy of being held and loved. 

Self-harming, not eating, and isolating yourself would make how you're feeling so much harder. I am really sorry to hear you are feeling this way... 

It's important to know that this inner critic voice, your distrust in others, and these ways of coping don't come from nowhere, they stem from a very real and valid place. Perhaps, when things feel overwhelming, it could be helpful to ask yourself: 'what does this vulnerable part of me really need right now?'  Can you start there?

I'd also like to reiterate that you are never going to be too much for the people who are meant for you - you are allowed to be exactly who you are - imperfections and all.

There is clearly do much going on for you, so forgetting work and birthdays make a lot of sense. I know it feels like things can't change, but they absolutely can.  It would be really hard to find presence for anything else other than survival right now, so please be gentle with yourself.  

Right now, you may need to take things slowly and approach change over time. Have you spoken about all of this with a professional before? 

Looking forward to your reply 

Warm regards, 
Sophie M. 

[smallwolf]

hello and welcome.

I'm so sorry you're feeling this way. It’s clear that you’re in a lot of pain, but I want you to know that things can get better. These feelings might feel overwhelming right now, but they don’t define you or your worth as a person.

I wonder if you have or feel you are able to talk to anyone about what is going on for you? Perhaps a close friend, family member, GP or or a mental health professional. They care about you and want to support you. You deserve kindness, compassion, and the chance to heal.

You matter, even if it doesn’t feel like it right now. Listening if you want to chat some more.

On being late for work... Can I ask what happened what you arrived at work?

[therising]

Hi imtrying_

I think one of the hardest things to achieve in life would have to be a level of self understanding that makes life easy or easier in a lot of ways. Until it's achieved, there can definitely be times where self resentment or self hatred is what comes easiest (while also being incredibly painful). I feel for you at what feels like one of the most challenging and painful times in your life.

From my own experience, I'd say 'the verge' is one of the most challenging places to be. It's between who we used to be and who we're going to be. If you can imagine it, it's like looking back to see this jungle we've made our way through, with some parts being darker than others and harder to navigate, and now we've come to the end of that jungle where we find our self on a cliff's edge. That verge or cliff's edge signifies the end of a part of our life. When we stop looking back and turn around and look up and out, there is uncharted territory as far as the eye can see. The challenge is to make our way into that uncharted territory. It's that territory that's going to change us. It's there that all the answers lie as to who we naturally are, how we naturally tick, why we think and act the way we do and why we suffer so much at times. It's the place that changes our belief systems for the better, reshapes us into the person we wish to be and provides us with a whole stack more. I've found new and uncharted or unexplored territory is best navigated with the help of guides in some parts. So, we can stand on the verge looking back with a sense of great regret, a sense of guilt, shame, frustration, anger, sadness and more (as a lot of these challenging emotions get the better of us) or we can take a leap of faith into a place that's going to help bring out the best in us, taking us far from who we were and where we used to be.

Some people manage new territory with the help of mental health professionals, some manage it by delving into a more soulful or spiritual sense of self understanding and navigation and others manage new territory in a variety of other ways. I think of my 22yo daughter who is an absolute legend yet who struggles to some degree with time management, focus, emotional regulation, inner dialogue, certain responsibilities etc. She was encouraged to explore new territory by her friends and boyfriend. She was encouraged to consult a professional in regard to a possible ADHD diagnosis, which she received. She's developing a much better understanding of how she ticks, why she struggles in the ways that she does and who she naturally is, while also developing new life skills and abilities. She's traveled far from feeling that cliff's edge.

Wondering if you're up for some exploration and a leap of faith into new territory 🙂