Conflicting thoughts: wanting to kms but also trying not to

[KiwiOrange123]

Hello everyone! I am new here. I am glad that I get to express my feelings today. 

I've been feeling extremely anxious and depressed lately and I couldn't stop myself from overthinking. I've been working in a small agency for a month and I'm feeling happy and shitty at the same time. I know I should be grateful for my job as my team are really nice and friendly but I also feel like an imposter because I don't understand why they're hiring me. I don't see myself as a great asset here, even though I even passed my writing test during my second interview. I also think that because it's my first full-time job and I'm an international student -  I'll need to work hard to stay in Australia to fully secure my job.  

I am so mad at myself. Having intrusive thoughts/overthinking has become a habit and it's ADDICTING. Whenever I feel like dying, I tried to re-read the strategies and my own logical statements that I've written the other day. I was literally forcing myself to think rationally and writing down emotional vs logical thoughts while my mind was banging and screaming and telling me to just die because I am worthless and I am not perfect enough to be loved. My thoughts are so conflicting - I want to die just to end my suffering but I also don't want to die because I don't want to run away. 

I hate myself for being so weak. Thinking about past experiences made me feel nauseous and I hated myself for being so vulnerable. When I tried to open up to one of my friends (I tried to trust them), it seemed like they didn't try to understand my situation and they thought I should rely on myself. I was so frustrated because from my point of view, I didn't even rely on them and they made it sound like a huge deal. I couldn't cry at all,

Damn, I don't feel like working tomorrow. I just don't know how to convince myself that I am capable of doing my job. I want to succeed but I see no future, I want to get more tasks from my boss but I don't think I'll be able to nail my job. I tried to run away but I don't want to run away. I am all over the place right now, and honestly, I don't even know what to do. 

[Bob_22]

Hi KiwiOrange123,

Welcome to the forums and thank you much for sharing your story. Sorry I hadn't got around to replying to you sooner. I saw your post a few days ago and made a mental note to respond. I hope you can find some benefit and support here on the forums.

I can relate so much to you when you talk about feeling like an imposter at work. I also feel like this a lot of the time whether at work or even with my friends and family. Apparently it is quite common and it might have something to do with people with low self esteem or mental health issues. I try to get these feelings off my chest with my psychologist who reassures me and mentions that "imposter syndrome" is surprisingly common in the workplace and can be a good sign for good employees even.

I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling with suicidal thoughts lately. As a reminder, if you ever need a counsellor to talk to or need support please contact one of the counsellors here on the website by clicking "immediate support" at the top right corner of this page. It is great though that you have taken proactive steps in employing strategies such as journalling and challenging your thoughts. As a useful tip, on beyond blue they have a safety plan app which you can use on your phone to help with actions to take as well. It is called beyond now. 

I'm sorry felt invalidated by your friends. This can be tough and is something I have also dealt with. I hope you can find some helpful community support on the forums but something that I've considered is joining a support group at my local hospital for people with depression/anxiety. It seems like a good idea but I've just been a bit lazy unfortunately. Do you have a GP or psychologist who you can talk to about some of the issues you've mentioned?

I hope you can find some more confidence at work. Please don't second guess yourself as you sound incredibly strong, intelligent and capable and I'm sure you have a lot to offer. Please keep us updated on how you go and remember that you're not alone. 🙂💙

P.S sorry if my post sounds like rambling

Bob

[KiwiOrange123]

Hi Bob_22, 

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciate it! And also, thank you for taking the time to read through my post and trying to understand my situation, I am very very thankful. 

I am not sure how to overcome this 'imposter' feeling when working. Honestly, I don't feel like working tomorrow. My negative thoughts have been affecting my work performance because I am too anxious and I feel like running away. It's very overwhelming, I feel like crying but I also don't want to feel pathetic. I am all over the place. Sometimes I feel super confident about my abilities and sometimes I feel like shit, and sometimes I feel these emotions all at once, and it's so conflicting - it's like I'm fighting with myself every day. I don't want to do this anymore, I know that my boss hired me for a reason, but it's hard to see through the surface level - it's like when you think from another perspective - deep down in my heart, I know that I am capable of doing my job, but I also don't think I can nail my job, and I don't know how to tell my colleagues about it. I told one of my colleagues that I was feeling anxious on Friday, and she tried to reassure me. I really don't know how to tell her that I'm actually very ANXIOUS and DEPRESSED.

I've been seeing a therapist for a while now and I'll be seeing her next month. I understand that imposter syndrome is very common in workplaces but I just can't shake off this nasty feeling and I think I am actually going crazy. I don't want to feel like this, I feel vulnerable and exposed. My close friends and my family think that I am actually good at my job, they think I am talented because it's extremely hard for a local agency to hire an international student. But I was just lucky, I was totally lucky that I passed my writing test. 

Thank you for giving me insights on how to overcome this issue. I am not ready to create a safety plan yet, but I am trying to acknowledge my issues. It's an on-and-off thing, sometimes I feel like I don't have anxiety and depression anymore, but it always comes back every time. Sorry, I don't even know what I am trying to say here. 

You are not rambling at all! Thank you for your encouragement, I really need this. 😞 

KiwiOrange 

[Bob_22]

Hi KiwiOrange,

No worries at all, that's what we're here for! 🙂 I'm sorry to hear that you've been struggling at work recently. I know it can be tough starting out a new job especially with added anxiety and depression on top of that. Most people, regardless of their mental health, feel like they're faking it during the first couple months of any new job they have. Especially if it is a coveted or competitive graduate role with a lengthy recruitment process. Btw, I'm not sure you can fluke your way through a writing test (from personal experience haha).

I'm unemployed at the moment so am not too great at it but I used to use relaxation exercises at work or at uni if I was feeling depressed (typically breathing exercises). Just something to help with any panic attacks or to help me get through the day. Perhaps that might be worth a try? I used to use the calm app which had guided mindfulness on there but you can find most of it online here on the beyond blue website. The link is here if you're interested: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/staying-well/relaxation-exercises 

Keep us updated and I hope tomorrrow goes okay at work. Remember to touch base with any other supports you have as well e.g. GP or psychologist. 💙

Bob

[therising]

Hi KiwiOrange

I never really gave much thought to the phrase 'To be in 2 minds' until I was led to consider the phrase more carefully. The amount of times I'd thought 'What the heck is this internal battle about?' I've lost count of. I hope the following offers a unique perspective...

Having been led to see a core sense of self as being like the hub/centre of an old style wagon wheel, the question becomes 'What are the spokes about?'. I suppose you could say they represent whatever sense of self you're channeling or tapping into at any given time. For example, if you're going to a job interview and don't feel confident, you might decide to channel a sense of self that dictates 'You got this. Be confident that you are exactly the kind of person they need'. You might decide to call this 'The optimist' in you. Or maybe you'll channel 'the sage' that dictates 'Breathe your way through the interview calmly and listen carefully. Trust yourself'. While they can be 2 highly positive aspects, you could find (all of a sudden) 'the pessimist' is triggered to life by the interviewer asking 'So what do you enjoy doing in your free time?'. The pessimist starts up, 'There's nothing enjoyable about life, so how are you going to answer that? You can't'. The pessimist may then trigger 'the inner critic'. They're now behaving like some anxiety inducing depressing tag team. The inner critic's now dictating 'You're hopeless'. You could walk out of it beating yourself up when the sage comes back to life with 'Stop being so hard on yourself. You're a good person'.

Perhaps you're meeting with 'the analyst' in you (hence the overthinking). Maybe it's 'the detective' in you, looking for clues when it comes to getting to the bottom of everything. I'm a gal who finds these aspects of myself to be highly obsessive at times. They will not let up until I discover what I need to.

With people and situations being triggering, the question may often come down to 'What facet of myself am I facing right now?'. It definitely helps to know. Tuning out from one and tapping in to another becomes an ability worth mastering.