Validation: Excuse, reason - what does it mean?

[V17]

Hello,

The word valid or validation, in the context of feeling, is something I've only come across since I've began this journey. I'm finding it difficult to get my head around it. Like for instance, when I act in a manner - say I'm feeling angry - that in hindsight, I see as me taking anger out on my son; to be told my feelings are valid confuses me. I mean, what about accountability and repercussions? I'm thinking perhaps by validating my anger because I feel it, doesn't take into consideration the reflection process after I feel it and why I feel it. Does this make sense? Or is this term 'validation' an immediate response and part of a process?

I'm feeling confused about it and would welcome and appreciate any thoughts on this.

V.

[james1]

Hi V,

I'm not sure about what context you've heard it used, but my psychologist uses it in the context of interpersonal relationships where people "validate" me and my feelings or not. Hence I am subject to validation or invalidation.

In this context, validation basically refers to:

• Listening to someone's thoughts and feelings
• Not judging
• Not projecting your own experiences onto a person
• Showing acknowledgement and understanding of their feelings

So conversely, the opposite of all these would be invalidating.

I hope that helps

James

[V17]

Thanks James.

I'm still confused though, sorry. I really wish now I asked my psych to elaborate. So, when she says 'your feelings are valid', it's basically saying that it's okay to feel angry. Just that, that is okay to feel what I feel. So it's like a first step in an identification process? Like, step 1. Validation. Step 2. Realisation etc etc?

[JessF]

My two cents are that yes, she is saying it's ok to feel. So many of us feel guilty about our reactions to things, that it creates another layer of anxiety or depression. Saying that feelings are valid is another way of saying, don't put a judgment on them. Feelings are sensations in the body, just like headaches or stomach aches. Once you've accepted that feelingsa ren't good or bad, they just are, the intensity of negative emotions (I have found) tends to drift away more quickly.

The next step from there is around challenging, asking yourself the question, is this feeling or thought helpful, or reasonable, at this time? But that's a separate issue from saying that you shouldn't be having the feeling in the first place (invalid).

[Huntswoman]

Thanks for posting! You are extremely brave to be implementing change in your life. From my understanding of it, the word validate, or to give validation, is used mainly in circumstances where you would have a feeling and while telling someone that feeling the person would validate that feeling and in turn be supportive of you. I have a child, and I think its really not healthy to expect your child to validate your feelings. You can validate your own anger though, and internally recognise that, yes, you have that feeling, but because of the unhealthy consequences for your son, it might be healthier to find other ways to deal with that anger, or work on emotional regulation techniques. Goodluck on your journey.

[V17]

Thanks so much JessF.

So, when she says my feelings are valid, she's saying don't try and judge my feelings? Jeez, I still can't get my head around it. But I do judge myself and my actions. Is it like discernment? So if I'm angry about something I didn't realise I was angry about at the time, when I react angrily; my feelings are valid because they are there; what I'm feeling is real, but are they feelings that need to be acted on?

[V17]

Hi Huntswoman,

Thanks for your thoughts. I'm still confused by way of validation. To me validation is wanting to excuse my behaviour but, I don't want to excuse it. I want, no; need to understand why I feel what I feel. I understand it's wrong to take my anger out on my son, Jeez, it's the last thing I want to do; we've been around anger way too long. I'm feeling confused about what the words - valid, validation, validate - in the context of feeling actually mean.

[james1]

Perhaps it could be simply put as: feelings are valid and shouldn't be judged, whereas actions are appropriate or not and can be judged.

So your feelings of anger are valid, but whether your response is appropriate is another question.

So should you be acting on your valid feelings? No, not necessarily. They are valid simply because there is a reason for them, whether you know it or not. No one can tell you your feelings are wrong, but they can tell you that your actions are wrong.

E.g. you can't fault a spoiled child for feeling envious that the younger sibling got a present for their birthday, but you can fault them for breaking that present. Their feelings of envy are automatic, but the response is not and hence can be judged.

[V17]

Ah! Bless you James!!

Thank you so much - the penny has finally dropped! It all makes sense 🙂 Yay! Seriously, my mind was beginning to 'run'. Thank you for taking the time to reply, it really means a lot.

V.

[Guest_1055]

Hey V

Gosh anger can be a very strong and powerful emotion to have inside of us.

My basic understanding of that feeling or emotion that sometimes wants to lash on out of us is this:

We start to feel angry for many reasons, usually it is because there is something we want or need and not getting. For me one example lately has been that I want desperately to be healthy. But I keep stuffing myself with chocolate time and time again. This in turn makes me angry because it is something that I really want and properly need also. But this want is not getting met. I keep failing.

Another example is my son, yeah I have one too. Well he has been told to attend to his own washing. He might wash it, but then leaves wet clothes in the washing basket for days even weeks. Now I can feel frustrated at that because I want him to learn to be independent, I also get plain sick of seeing the basket of stuff on top of the washing machine. Even as I am writing this to you, I can feel a frustrating feeling starting to well up. Now the way I see it, I can now storm into his bedroom and tell him to fix the problem. But this could cause some sort of emotional hurt to him, because my frustrations or anger will come out or spill out with the words. So maybe that is similar to your son. I think it is fair enough to feel angry or frustrated. I think this is the "validation" thing. But it is what you choose to do with it that matters, do we lash out on someone when we feel angry, do we punch the computer screen when it's not working. Do we go on out to the punching bag hanging in the garage and take a swing at it. Do we write down when we feel angry, do we go out to a place where no one will hear and scream and scream. Do we go for a long walk? Etc

So I don't think there is anything wrong with feeling angry, as it is understandable in some things. ( validation) We just need to be wise in how we get rid of it from within us.

Anyway V, the beautiful swan person....I am not sure if that helps, but just know that I too am learning about anger. So yeah you are not alone in this.

Shell xx