Talking to your inner critic, can it be tamed?

quirkywords · ‎21-12-2017

Do you have an inner critic ? Have you ever tried to talk to your inner critic. This is what happened when I tried. In my Be yourself thread people asked about how I interviewed my inner critic. So here it is.

This is adapted from a writing exercise to interview your inner critic about one's writing. As my inner critic has an opinion all aspects of my life I decided to broaden the scope of the interview.

Me: I welcome (well I don't really) this opportunity to find out why you always need to have an opinion that is always negative about me and my life.

IC: I thought this was going to be a friendly interchange of ideas but there you go with your anger and hostile remarks. I do not see myself as negative but as helping you, because you do need help.

I am here to help you why can't you see that?

Me: So when I am trying to sleep and you tell me about all my mistakes, embarrassing moments, how does that help me?

IC: I thought while you are in bed you would have time to consider some of your past behaviours. This I feel will only help you to improve.

Me: If you are so helpful why do I feel so worthless, so sad, so ignorant when you are around? Do you really know how low I can feel when you are constantly telling me all my faults?

IC: You make yourself feel that way- I am merely pointing out the truth. It is not my problem that you are so weak.

Me: Maybe this was a bad idea you are never going to listen to me or understand me.

IC: Have you ever thought that maybe you shouldn't listen to me if I upset you so much.

Me How can I ignore you when you are so loud at times.

IC: See this is what I mean you are so weak. You have the power to ignore me, to silence me but all you do is whinge and complain.

Me: I am ending this interview. Enough is enough.

What would you say to your inner critic and what do you want to hear from your inner critic? Maybe you can have a go at interviewing your inner critic.

Quirky

smallwolf · ‎28-02-2018

I like that last line of yours Quirky! LOL

As for me... Yes I am a perfectionist. It is an all or nothing attitude in all things I do. Do it perfect or don't do it at all. OR, if a flaw is found, it is imperfect and I may beat myself over the head (metaphorically) for my stupidity (labelling).

But the perfectionism exists because I (or we) try to reach unobtainable goals?

And I guess for me it would have started in high school when I would pulled up in class for saying a word incorrectly and then having to say the word over and over in front class til I said it correctly, or asking an entire class of students why they couldn't get it when (insert my name here) got it right, and he did remedial reading". A seeming constant battle to "keep up" leads to a thought process of its either right or wrong and no in between - black or white.

Perfectionists strain compulsively and unceasingly toward unobtainable goals, and measure their self-worth by productivity and accomplishment. So I pressure myself to achieve unrealistic goals which then obviously become a perfect set up for disappointment and the harsh critics in my head jump into action when I fail to meet standards.

quirkywords · ‎28-02-2018

Hello all,

Karen sorry I missed your reply- I am on ipad and I am not good at scrolling!!

Thanks for your comment. If you talk as well as you write I outdoors find you fascinating.

It is funny how we view ourselves and how we put pressure on ourselves.

My approach to housework is similar to yours.

Quirky

quirkywords · ‎28-02-2018

Hello all

Smallwolf,

thanks for your comment and explaining yourself so well.

Some teachers have a lot to answer for in my opinion.

Your last sentence exhausts me and I am sure must exhaust you. Have you ever tried to stop the cycle?

Quirky

startingnew · ‎28-02-2018

Hi Quirky and all

Thank you Quirky for your response and how you manage those sorts of thought. i find that really hard to do- to ask myself what i would say to someone else but like anything it takes practice.

ive been reading along and catching up and its interesting to read what others have said. in regards to your question about perfectionism- i agree with you there but i also think it come from the expectations we have placed upon us and the expectations we have of ourselves both realistic or unrealistic.

I tried to expand on that but i cant seem to get any words out the way i want them to- again my own expectations of how my post should sound but the more i think about how to word what i want to say and cant the more anxious i feel myself get so will leave it there for now.

quirkywords · ‎01-03-2018

Starting new

your posts are always welcome and like the way you are finding something useful from the wonderful posts on the thread.

I get frustrated with my posts and wish I could writelike others who sound so wise but then I try and this is me and we all have our way of writing.

Quirky

startingnew · ‎01-03-2018

HI Quirky and everyone
im hoping this makes sense......

I try to be a perfectionist but I think its from the expectations and pressures I have from everyone around me as well as the expectations (realistic or unrealistic) that has made me feeling like a perfectionist. Without the constant expectations and pressures I dont think I would be a perfectionist or controlling (try to but have been able to stop myself a lot more now)
Smallwolf has used school as an example- I can relate really well with that one too. Not only did I have the family pressures of needing to be that perfect daughter, student, carer, Agrade student, and someone who isnt allowed to do the wrong thing and the hardest part I am always needing to be OK (still have that expectation) I also had them from my teachers. I went well and did my best,often meeting them with being a good kid, and having the good grades until around yr 10/11/12. those yrs got a lot harder for me with being helping my nan who had cancer (was a part carer for her then) her death, and a few other incidents. My grades started to slip even though I would be studying at every waking hr but I couldnt keep up those grades- 2 teachers on separate occasions had said to me 'your wasting your time at home when you should be studying, you want to pass the hsc trials and exams dont you' so I felt the pressures from everyone in my life and still continue to do as I still have those expectations placed upon me from family members. I can say however I had 2 very good teachers who helped me a huge deal and without them I probably wouldnt have made it through yr 11 and 12 as well as I did.
So thats where my perfection actually comes from and has made my expectations of myself very unrealistic, working 2 jobs inc being a carer, was studying, a lot of family roles and duties and trying to find 'myself', it really affects my IC all the time. My IC is forever telling me 'im not good enough, im not doing well enough, im a dissapointment, your worthless, your not trying hard enough' it takes me a long time to actually speak and can relate to Grandy a lot on that part.
So while im far from perfect and well aware of that I find it hard to stop that cycle and tell myself im doing my best and thats all I can do'
I often wonder why it is only me that has these expectations placed upon them but when others do wrong including my sisters its fine and its just a mistake or its just a grade, and and get encouraged but not for me....

quirkywords · ‎01-03-2018

Hello all

Starting ne,

Thanks for your well thought out and helpful comment.You explained yourself so well.

I can see you were under act of pressure from your family as they had higher expectations for you. Some people can have pressure from others but they ignore it. I had a friend whose parents ere both doctors and she was under lots of pressure to be a doctor but she decided to be an actress. It was hard but she knew what she wanted. To this day her parents complain about her choice!

I feel the pressure from others like you and cant ignore it soI wonder why some people can and ones that mean they dont have an inner critic as they follow their feelings and are not swayed by outside pressure.

SN have confidence you write well and explain yourself clearly.

just a few thoughts- any ideas form anyone reading?

Quirky

Elizabeth CP · ‎01-03-2018

Self confidence makes the difference. If you are already confident you see things through the lense that you are OK so if you are unfairly criticised you assume the critics don't understand. My son is like that. He knows where he is going & what he wants & won't deviate. People like myself lacking confidence take criticism to heart even if it is totally unjustified. Other people's opinions just feed your nasty self critic.

quirkywords · ‎02-03-2018

Hello all,

Elizabeth thanks for your comment.

If people say positive things to you, do Yu believe them or only the negative ones? Is there a way overcome lack of confidence?

Quirky

startingnew · ‎02-03-2018

hello everyone

Thank you Quirky for giving me abit of confidence with your comments..

I agree with Elizabeth, I think having good self confidence would be a great help in talking to our IC or having one thats rarely around. Those who struggle with self-esteem, and even more so those with a mental illness take any negativity from others whether its indirect or direct and place it upon themselves. When we get compliments its hard to accept them. Has anyone noticed that when people give you a compliment- your IC starts to question it rather than allowing ourselves to say thank you?
I guess the self confidence and believing in yourself and your dreams as well as being able to deflect negativity from others helps with the pressures from others- to be what they want us to be instead of who we actually want to be.

I find it really hard to accept compliments and postive things, in a way it embarrassess me but that it no ones fault, thats the constant IC telling me how worthless I am and how undeserving I am of good things. I am not too sure about how to overcome lack of confidence- some I think are naturally born with a higer confidence to others while some have to work harder and build upon it.
Maybe a suggestion would be to challenge yourself more in the areas of life you want to improve- for example social anxiety- pushing yourself to even speak to one person a day , or while passing someone in the street say a friendly 'morning, afternoon, evening'. Baby steps towards a bigger picture....