Staying/Getting/Doing Well – Moving goalposts or fixed target?

[Paw Prints]

Hi, this is my first post, though I have been reading the forums for some weeks. I’m probably expressing myself badly when I say that I have found reading about other people’s journeys reassuring. Finding a community of people who “get it” even when they have a wide variety of experiences and lives lived is not something I thought I would ever find.

Though people talk about getting well & there is a section Staying Well, I’m curious as to what this actually means to other people and how they manage their expectations. I noticed some people refer to being well as ‘being like themselves before they got ill’, whilst others don’t express an exact aim.

My idea of being well has changed over the years. I was first diagnosed as an 8 year old child back in the late sixties. The doctors told Mum that the voices in my head & the sudden crying bouts were because I suffered from ‘nerves’ & I was given meds to calm me. Of course such things were not discussed back then & I was told not to talk about it to anyone, not my school friends nor siblings, just Mum. For decades after my idea of being well simply meant being able to hide my illness from others.

A number of events in my life caused my illness to worsen, until some years ago I became so ill I needed to be hospitalised for my own safety. This lead to my current diagnosis of Major Depression, Anxiety & PTSD. I’m no longer in that dark place, but each day is still a battle (though I can now believe in a future). For now only my siblings & one friend know about my illness, though some things they still don’t know.
So, what does ‘being well’ mean to me, it is ever moving goalposts. If you had asked me 5 years ago would I be as well as I am now I would have thought it impossible as I couldn’t envision a future. If you had asked me last week (during one of my down periods) I would have said my progress was all an illusion & I was fooling myself that things can get better.
For now my idea of being well is being able to believe that things can change for the better, that I will one day be able to manage the everyday things like housework, caring for myself & caring for my dog & maybe, just maybe I will even be able to enjoy myself.

Paw Prints
**I took the tip to give myself time to write my post by writing on a word doc & then paste it.

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws, I just popped by and saw your post. That's a shame! I thought if you went there might be one nice person there you could turn to if you needed help or company in any way... You were overthinking it, looking at all the things that might go wrong - the weather, it would be crowded, you didn't have anything to wear, etc etc! Intead of telling yourself you could give it a go and always just leave if you wanted to anytime.. Never mind, perhaps they will have another meet up, or is there someone you could meet up with for a cuppa sometime maybe at a local cafe?

I'm sorry it didn't work out for you. Go and have a cuppa and pat Woofa, sounds like you've been through a rough time over it! Never mind, perhaps it was all too much right now for you.

Little Sam sends soft furry cuddles your way! oxoxoxoxo

[Katyonthehamsterwheel]

Hi lovely Paws

Definitely not a failure. It's just the small voice wasn't loud enough to drown the big ugly noisemaker out - just yet! And you've plenty of people who understand just how noisy it can be, so no judgement here x

Well done on considering going. I'd be writing that one down under "list of things I've achieved".

Biggest of squishy loving hugs. Be gentle on your beautiful self x

[Hanna3]

Don't be hard on yourself Paws! Maybe next time. Little steps, OK? Maybe just keep doing that little bit of outside exercise each day until you feel a bit more confident about getting out? I think the meet up was just a bit too overwhelming for you.

The book on overthinking I had was a good reminder for us to say "stop" to ourselves when we keep having negative thoughts that we can't do something/arent't good enough/have done something wrong.

Hope you had a nice cuppa and put your feet up and hugged Woofa! oxoxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws...

Awe please don’t think your a failure..because your not sweetheart....Anxiety is so hard to fight..because of the enormous amount of fear that anxiety is made up off...

Its okay that you didn’t go...you done your best and that is all we can ever do....

How are you feeling now?....I hope you can or are trying to put today behind you and do something nice for yourself this evening or night.....

Katy yes I agree..just considering to go..is something that you would not have even thought about a few months back...To me that’s an achievement...

Here dear Paws, if you need to talk..

Please, beautiful lady..be kind and gentle on yourself the way you are with me and your other friends here...We all love and care greatly for you...💜🦋...big warm comforting hugs..🤗....Nah..I dug deeper into my 💼 and found one of those big squishy huggly, huggle, hugs..🧸🤗..

fur hugs from my girls to your boy as well..

Grandy..

[ecomama]

Dear Paws

MASSIVE HUGE GENTLE HUGS 🤗🤗🤗🤗💖💖💖💖 and lots of love too.

I really admire your courage coming to our beautiful BB family and sharing the thoughts and issues plaguing you atm.
Lots of love, this in itself is hard, but knowing you are very loved, accepted and appreciated here should feel very warm to you.

I hope it does ease things somewhat because you're brilliant.

I really hope the cellulitis can be cured. It's a horrible condition. I've had it in my leg and thought my leg was broken tbh. I needed a walking stick for a while... my chiro helped it alot, so did a trip to the Health Food Store for some alternative options.

I'm not sure if you've listened to the Brene Brown podcasts??
I could probably credit these to be the finishing practices in my healing.

One thing she shares is THANKING anxiety (and anything else).... ie having a talk with the anxiety inside of us, thank anxiety for keeping us safe all those times it erupted, thanking it for trying to STILL keep us safe... then thanking it and telling it you don't need it right now for this event.

And then on the other hand Paws, I think once we can put the anxiety to sleep in the corner... we can uncover our precious female intuition.
Listen to THIS and follow our impulses our intuition indicates.

Finally, ofcourse is imagining how you WANT your life to be.
How do you want your life to be Paws?

Because YOU deserve these visualisations of how you want your life to be.
You need the willingness to make it all happen, but you CAN do it.

You have us!
I have 100% faith in you.

Love always EMxxxx

[Hanna3]

Remember what a good, kind person you are dear Paws! We know it here - I'm just sorry that more people don't get to know you enough to know that about you. I think we all internalize bad things about ourselves that others have put onto us that aren't true about us at all - and so we think we're not good enough, lousy because we didn't manage to do something, whatever... instead of thinking good things about ourselves!

Kindness, in my opinion, is an under-rated virtue, and it's probably the most important virtue of all - and you have it in abundance dear lady. So please go easy on yourself! You know all of us here have your back, OK? Hugs!

Little Sam has been happily playing with a large paper bag - it's so much fun to tear it apart bit by bit, and the stiff paper makes a lovely crackling noise! He's shredded it into little pieces, and has a grin on his face from ear to ear! Dogs are so easy to please...

Soft cuddles from little Sam, OK? oxoxoxox

[Paw Prints]

Hello Hanna, Deebi, Katy, Em, Grandy,

Thank you all for your support,

I'm trying not to beat myself up for failing... Especially when my biggest fear about yesterday's do was that I might meet people who would want to meet up again.

I desperately need to get my house & me to a point where we are at least in a fit state for people to call... it isn't just the get together that didn't happen because of that... I haven't done anything about getting the verandah or fences finished for the same reason. I just want to get back to my house being "clean enough to be healthy/ messy enough to be happy"

Past events where clean house = suicidal thoughts... means a part of me is afraid that that equation will happen again if I clean my house... it has then fed into dirty house = no visitors... I can hide away with Woofa & not put myself at risk by letting people into my life. No people = no assaults... no harm.

I know it's not remotely rational/logical... I do try to break the cycle, but it has become ingrained over decades... the only light in my tunnel is that for many many years it never occurred to me that living like this isn't good for me, now I can see that I need/want to change.

I wish I could find a good psych to help me... so few in rural area... the good ones are all booked out.

Thank you all for being here
Hugs
Paws

[Hanna3]

Hi there Paws!

Good to see you back here! I'm not sure how to help with the cleaning/tidying triggers for you.... but a couple of thoughts...

You only really need to have the loungeroom and kitchen/bathroom presentable for visitors, you can keep any other rooms such as bedrooms, closed. I wonder have you thought of Googling things like "how to clean and organize a messy house" - there are so many blogs with suggestions on them, things like playing soothing music, listening to podcasts, etc, to help you - and ways to tackle the job. One thing I learnt was to start with a clean kitchen sink! I think it helps to start small - just feel good that you have the kitchen sink clean and shiny. Then maybe do the benchtops. Then stop for the day. Ideas like that might help maybe?

Also reward yourself - a tiny bit cleaned, do something nice like have a cuppa. Hooray!

You can Google images of messy or cluttered houses/rooms if it helps to see how other people live, to make you feel not so bad! Also you can photograph each room with your phone, if you can do that, and it helps a lot of people to see what the room really looks like when they view it in a photograph - I don't know why, but it does work!!!

Turned cold and rainy here this afternoon, I am hunkering down with little Sam in a warm loungeroom!!

Sending you hugs from us here xoxoxoxo

I hope others might come up with some helpful ideas for you Paws! oxoxo

[Ggrand]

Hello Dear Paws, Waves Hanna, Deebi, Katy,,,👏🏻..

I am the opposite of you Paws..I get triggered with a unclean/untidy house....A few times when I was deep into depression I let my housework go...and felt all the fear of expecting being yelled, sworn at or worse...It not logical thinking I know because neither my parents or husband are no longer with me....I think our brains have grown this way and it’s all it knows.....

I felt bad when I didn’t go to the biggest morning tea or the Anzac Service they have in the hall..only a few minutes walk from mine...but I just can’t do it...

Their is a thread here I made a few years ago..all about routine when depressed..Title..”Daily Routine”..maybe a few posts in there might be able to help you a little....Idk just my thoughts on me trying to help you..

As Hanna said..it’s really only the lounge room, bathroom and kitchen that visitors see..little baby steps lovely lady....

Wanting to change is a step forwards...Please don’t overwhelm yourself with change...go slow and little bits at a time...it took years for your brain to be triggered by a clean house...cleaning it all at once might cause the unhealthy thoughts again...seeing your home get cleaned bit by bit..might help your brain accept the change a little better...

Here if you need to talk...Fur hugs and warm caring hugs to both you and Woofa...

Kind thoughts with love and care lovely friend..

Grandy..

[Ggrand]

Dear Paws..

I am sorry I gave you the wrong thread title..in routine..the right one is..

Topic: DEPRESSION AND OUR DAILY ROUTINE. WE NEED TO BRING IT BACK.....no pressure Paws..just in case your looking for ideas..