Speaking out

[Geoff_F]

Hi everyone,

I have been doing a lot of thinking recently, and one thing I have come to realise is that I am trapped by my own mental state. For years I have pretended that I am okay and well to keep up the image to my friends and family. For my family, I have always been the strong individual who people come to for answers and help with their own lives. It's taken a long time, but I am starting to put myself into a position where I need to start acknowledging what is wrong and start taking the steps towards getting better. But how do I do this. I know my mental state and health should not be a weakness, and i should not feel ashamed for it, but at the same time, the image that others have of my as being the strong, resilient individual I feel will be broken if I try to break down the image I have built up. How do you prevent others from self blaming due to the circumstances that their actions may have inadvertently put me through. I want to stop being trapped by the lies that I live by every day, but I do not know how to do that without my entire identify changing.

I think I am just looking for someone to talk to. Thank you

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Geoff,

You strike me as an articulate and insightful person. I would be happy to talk to you, as I’m sure others would be too. I hope that’s okay with you...

I think it can be hard to reach out for help or show vulnerability at the best of times. I think it’s even harder when you’ve always been supporting everyone else...

As you said, reaching out and helping yourself/asking for help would mean disrupting an idea that others have of you, and for you to let go of that idea too (and to let people in, which isn’t easy). Sometimes I feel a person can cling onto an idea of him/herself even when it no longer serves him/her...

Also I feel maybe because you’ve been the “strong one” for so long, you’re not even 100% sure how to not be that person (so to speak). I think you might need to re-learn how to let people in again...

I’m not sure if I have anything particularly wise to suggest. But my gentle suggestion is to start small, and take little steps. As in, I feel it’s not necessary to dismantle your “strong” identity overnight, but maybe slowly let people in...perhaps think of it as a gradual process...

For example, and this is purely an example, maybe you could pick the person that you feel most comfortable with and open up a little. It could be something vague like, “I haven’t been doing so great lately”, and see how they respond. They may respond well or they may respond badly, but I suppose part of opening up is taking (emotional) risks with people gradually....trial and error with people, I suppose.

There’s no pressure, but if you feel up to it, it would be lovely to hear from you again.

Kind thoughts to you today.

Pepper

[quirkywords]

Welcome Geoff to the forum.

You will find this is a caring ,friendly and supportive place. PLease talk/post here as much as you like.

i can see you have been thinking a lot and have been gaining insights into your behaviour.

As you have realised that keeping up an image that everything is okay can be very tiring.

Just because you acknowledge you may need help does not mean you are not strong and in able to help others, it means you are strong as you can be honest about your needs and then be in a better position to help others.

Do you think maybe your friends and family will be reassured to know that you are human and have needs. I think they will find you more approachable for your honesty and showing you are vulnerable like everyone else.

I feel that our identity is flexible and you can be strong and help others and need help yourself.

Before we can help,others we need to help,ourselves.

Have you or would you consider talking to a counsellor or a psychologist?

I found that when I opened up to people and told them about how I was really feeling they really admired my honesty and rather than seeing me as weak they saw the courage that took .

I can see that you are someone that thinks things out and cares a lot about your family and friends.

Did you find that writing out your post help to clarify some of your ideas and thoughts?

Thank you for your most thoughtful post.

Quirky

[Geoff_F]

Hi Pepper,

Many things you said certainly resonate with me. The idea that a person may cling to an idea of them self, even though it may no longer serve them. The person who I have always been, is the person who helps others. I am not sure the person who I would be if I am no longer needed to be that person. The idea about needing to re-learn how to let people in. Through a number of experiences, I have closed off a significant portion of my emotional side, due to a number of reasons, some of which I assume to be to protect myself from further hurt. I think the idea of opening myself up to being vulnerable, and with that vulnerability, being a burden on those around me. I have always tried to do right by others and help in any way I could, but I feel like if I start to open up about myself, then I will turn into the burden that I have always tried to avoid.

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I feel like I have a tsunami of thoughts going through my mind, amplifying off one another. It is nice to be able to try to make sense of them and hear others thoughts. Thank you

[Geoff_F]

Hi Quirky,

I think my main fear about breaking the image I have of myself, is that there have been a number of instances in my family where I have been the person who people come to for advice and support, while they go through their own personal and mental issues. To some extent, these situations are getting better, which I feel is one of the reasons why I feel like I may be able to start breaking down some walls. I always feel very contradicted in myself, in a sense of do as I say, not as I do. When you speak of things about being human, having feels and honesty, is something I actively try to promote because I know these things do genuinely benefit those who can incorporate these aspects into their lives. However, I am the biggest hypocrite in the fact that I simply cannot do the same for my life. I recently started seeing a psychologist after a number of years putting it off. I know they can be a wonderful resource, but I simply feel like the magnitude of things that I feel are caving in on myself is simply too large to be able to fully express and be able to properly explain. Talking about it in some sense does help, yes. Thank you for taking the time to listen and respond to my thoughts. I am just unsure about, everything, to some extent. I have driven myself into an ethical, moral, and self-identity crisis. It isn't the most joyful of situations I have put myself in, but to some extent, I feel like it is the right direction to properly be able to overcome the shadows I have been hiding in for the last several years. Thank you

[Peppermintbach]

Hi Geoff,

Thanks so much for writing in again. I agree that it can be helpful to purge some of the emotions and thoughts swirling in our heads...a healthy release here...

One thing that I’ve noticed is you’re clearly very self aware, which I think will possibly help you in the long-term. That’s a really wonderful quality to possess...

I think what you’re saying makes a lot of sense. I suppose when we get used to playing a certain role (e.g. always being the supportive and helpful one) that we can sometimes lose ourselves, so to speak, in the role. For example, a person could be the good friend, the loving spouse, the devoted parent, the dedicated employee, the responsible community member, etc, etc, which in theory all sounds great...but sometimes being all things to all people means we can accidentally lose or erode parts of ourselves in the process...

As you said, you partly build walls around yourself for self protection and self preservation. Vulnerability/letting people in is scary...

It isn’t easy (I’m actually terrible at vulnerability personally), because it opens up the possibility of rejection and hurt. I feel it’s much “safer” behind our walls, but I think that’s a bit of an illusion. I think it can be just as painful (long-term) to hide behind that wall as it can get very lonely there....

I also understand you associate asking for help/admitting your struggles with being a “burden.” I wonder why you feel this way...

Thanks again for sharing your insight with us. I hope writing that was cathartic, and if you feel like sharing more, you’re most welcome to do so 🙂

Kind thoughts to you,

Pepper