Self-care....or is it laziness?

[Moonstruck]

Was reading a book by a medical professional, with recognised expertise in mental health (anxiety, depression) In referring to that time of the early morning when just upon waking....(I have felt it many times) that feeling that you would rather just stay there and rest a while before facing the day.

You may not have slept well, you're "just scared" of beginning the list of duties and responsibilities that you have on your "list"...you know? that list of "things to do" that well meaning friends and professional people advise to "keep busy, start a hobby, get involved in an activity, do some exercise, get out in the fresh air, get connected to others, volunteer for a charity to help others"......all worthwhile things sure.....but then we are told to take time just for "us". to nurture "ourselves" and when our body and mind are pushed to the limits, it's OK to "have a rest"...do what our bodies are telling us etc etc...........

The book I read advised to "get out of bed immediately...just get out of bed, make a cup of tea and move around"...don't give in to the need or urge to lie peacefully resting. ! So now I am confused. I am in my 60s and am really struggling more with ordinary physical things like housework, going for walks....due to bad hip and lower back pain...just going shopping around the streets, nothing out of the ordinary....can have me crying with pain for the rest of the day/night........so getting the balance right between "getting exercise and keeping busy" and allowing myself to take it easy and retreat from the world occasionally without feeling GUILTY is not easy.

I am battling anxiety and, in the past, panic attacks, dependence on alcohol to lessen the anxiety, some PTSD and I feel I have come a long way. Am I entitled to "experience the peace and safety of my bed first thing in the morning"...or is this being "lazy"? Do I have to join a club or push myself to go for longer walks each day, no matter how much pain it causes me? Do I "need to get out of the house"more? Or do I just follow my instincts at giving my mind and body what they tell me they need? If I feel peaceful sometimes just doing nothing....is this being lazy?

Your thoughts would be welcome.......peace and love to you all.....Moon S.

[Gambit87]

Hi, Moonstruck,

"getting the balance right between "getting exercise and keeping busy"
and allowing myself to take it easy and retreat from the world
occasionally without feeling GUILTY"

IMO - you have hit the nail on the head here. I think its all about balance.

Theres nothing wrong with getting out there and keeping busy, but there's also nothing wrong in retreating occasionally. If you find peace doing nothing sometimes then thats your zen(?) i don't think that's laziness either.

I don't think its lazy not getting straight up in the mornings? I myself have 2 alarms one goes of 6am and the other 6:10am. That 10 mins allows me to just lay there and enjoy the comfort im in then when the second alarm goes off - I get up and get ready to start my day.

I feel that the books don't really account of people who encounter physical pain.

I hope you're having a good day.

[Elizabeth CP]

I am very interested in the answer to your question because I need to know. I am finding my stress levels are extremely high PTSD is triggered by the fires(It was brought on by experience as a child caught in a bushfire & losing everything) Anxiety depression & tiredness all real issues.

I know walking normally helps me & being productive makes me feel useful which improves my mood. Unfortunately lately the fatigue levels have meant I have to force myself to do anything & when I succeed I seem to crash due to the fatigue. If I do nothing I;m worried my depression will continue downhill. My body needs to rest to recover or is that just giving in to the depression. I'm a similar age (in my 60's) and get annoyed about not being able to manage all I used to do easily.

[Hanna3]

Hi Moonstruck,

I can really relate to what you're saying. I have a condition which causes constant nerve pain. Chronic pain is known to be really, really tiring.

I'm also in my early 60s and notice I get more tired and due to the nerve problem I have a lot of trouble doing things like vacuuming the house, carrying anything heavy, and even changes in weather can cause a flare up.

Some people in their 60s can do a lot - I had a friend who did really heavy outdoors physical work at 70 without tiring (which made me feel really inadequate!) but at ten years younger than her I couldn't possibly due what she did! I think it's important to realise that some people have strong constitutions (maybe they inherited good genes, maybe they've had less stress in life, maybe they kept really fit, whatever) and some of us are not able to do as much as they can.

I also sometimes wonder when I'm tired and stay lying in bed in the morning if I'm being lazy or if it's depression or there's something I'm not looking forward to that day. Sometimes I do need to make myself get up and shower and get going. However I've learnt that other times I am genuinely in need of extra rest, and I allow myself that. Importantly, I've allowed myself to stop feeling guilty about it and enjoy a lie-in!

This summer here has been dreadfully hot, and at first I was fighting it and kept doing things, until I got heat exhaustion. Then I stopped fighting it and let myself rest for long periods during the day. Today I had a long tiring drive to another town - so tomorrow I give myself a rest day. I have to run a couple of errands, and take the dog for a stroll, but otherwise I will spend most of the day resting and will probably have a sleep in and/or a lie down in the afternoon if I feel like it. I've learnt I have to pace myself.

Sometimes I feel frustrated I can't do more, but I also know the more I fight it the worse I feel. So I guess what I'm saying is, sometimes I do need to make myself just get up and get going, because I have things I need to do. Other days I am genuinely tired, or I've been stressed or busy, and I allow myself rest days.

This afternoon I spent an hour at a friend's house simply sitting on a rocking chair on the verandah and enjoying the breeze and relaxing. Doing nothing is good for you sometimes - it's seriously underrated!

Don't know if this helps, but it's how I now get through things. Best wishes!

[Paw Prints]

Hello Moon,

"If I feel peaceful sometimes just doing nothing....is this being lazy?"

No I don't think it is lazy. Taking time to smell the roses is important to our health. A recent study found that not "being able to do nothing" damages how well we absorb & understand information.

Doing nothing all the time can't be good for us, but I think we need to be realistic when it comes to deciding what things we will/can do. We also need to consider what is important to us & which battles we feel able to face.

Like you I have chronic hip & back pain. Simple housework, walking anywhere, showering, standing for periods of time can be excruciatingly painful & if I push it to much can leave me unable to function for a few days. Yet I still find myself struggling to work out how much time spent resting is ok & guilty for not doing what I think "I should be" getting done.

I have spoken to my psych about this topic & her advise was to stop using the "I should be doing X". That I don't have to aim for goals set by other people. I need to set goals for things that are important to me & work out ways to give me the best chance of achieving them & this includes having down time. I am still really struggling with this approach, even though I can see it has benefits. I know I find it hard to ignore what I think society expects me to be able to do.

Paws

[White_Rose]

Hello Everyone

Lovely to see the forum members pulling together to help each other.

I am surprised none of you have mentioned getting physiotherapy. Chronic pain is horrible. Choices to manage this are few but they are effective. Your various conditions may be permanent but that does not mean there is no help. Like you ladies I get back pain. I can take pain killers and these are effective. The problems are potential side effects, perhaps a dependence on meds and a feeling of hopelessness because we are restricted in what we do. Pain relief is OK occasionally but when there are other ways to manage I prefer to use them.

Step one is seeing your GP, asking about the advantages of physiotherapy and getting a detailed referral and print out of your condition to give to the physio. Once your GP has given the OK then make a physio appointment. Now I know some people do not have private insurance but your GP can refer you to hospital system for treatment.

Physio can make you feel a little worse after treatment but this is because your various muscles have been moved out of their comfort zone. It wears off after a couple of hours. You will need several or frequent sessions I imagine but the benefits are amazing. Or should I say the results have been good for me.

I have a better understanding of how my body works and I mean my body specifically. What I do that can be changed. Even simple things like walking or various household tasks. Discussion about movement versus rest is something your physio can advise on. My take is that the pain is sometimes too bad to allow me to move, but on different occasions I need to move to give my body the best chance. You can carry out some exercises at home with the physio approval.

It changed my life. Years ago while I was still in the workforce I had post viral fatigue and was off work for many months. The pain in my joints was excruciating and I was constantly tired. Doing grocery shopping had me sitting or lying around for at least the next day. Under my GP's supervision and the care of the physio I did return to health. I still get physio treatment every month or so to keep me in order. I also attend two exercise classes. Absolutely exhausting at first but so much better for my mental health, my back and my balance. Still do not like exercise but it's better than pain.

Ladies, I hope this is useful. Love to see what you think.

Mary

[Hanna3]

Hi Paws!

I agree with your Psych we live in a society that seems to make us think if we're not busy doing something then there's something wrong with us! Other societies in other countries have a completely different idea and think spending time relaxing and doing nothing is very important.

We sound similar in our problems with housework etc. I have to do bits at a time - vacuuming is major and the only thing I can do that day. Changing the bed, mopping floors, are all hard. So I have got used to having a house that isn't always as neat and tidy as I would like because I have to do house work and tidying in stages a bit one day, a bit on another day.

I also had chronic fatigue following glandular fever years ago, and overdoing things can really make that flare up.

So I think it's important we all realize the importance of "time out" to relax, have a lie down, read a book, sit and look out the window, whatever. I know I love to be out in nature and listen to tree and birds, it's soothing.

So Moon I think in answer to your question we're all saying it's not laziness we live in a fast paced society and we don't value rest and relaxation enough, and it's OK to have a lie in and do nothing - in fact it's really important!

Good to say hello Paws! Moon I hope you feel OK now about sleeping in sometimes!

[Moonstruck]

Dear friends

Thank you all for your support...It's good to know you understand. It's not so much a "sleep-in, or lie-in" it's more relishing the calm and peace in knowing I have no appointments or "have to be" anywhere On Time that particular morning and therefore can get up and into the day whenever I like!!

Reading the comments from the expert psych who advised to "get out of bed and get going, even just a little bit" really threw me into assuming that by resting...I was somehow doing something harmful to my mental health.

the other morning I lay watching the white lacy curtains fluttering in the breeze at the window by my bed...while outside I could see branches of a palm tree gently waving back and forth. I felt good, so how can this be a bad thing? Perhaps I misinterpreted what the Dr/Psych author was saying..

Paw Prints I am a notorious over-thinker and can relate to what you said about telling myself "I should be doing X".I do this all the time, it's ridiculous (as if I have "someone" watching me, judging my actions or non-actions) Since retiring, being responsible on a day to day basis, to absolutely no-one except myself has taken some time to adjust

White Rose When the pain first set in, quite suddenly a couple of years ago...I did see a physio who was great too, and recommended regular Pilates to strengthen my body in those areas...It has been very helpful, with a program devised just for me..I know that to stop moving altogether is the worst thing I can do..

I've never had the area X rayed to see if some "injury" occurred ...it was sort of just assumed it was "wear and tear with old age"....but I'd like to see if there is another clinical reason for it, just to put my mind at rest....(the physio can't refer for an X ray so intend asking my GP) nothing to lose I guess.

Here I go harking back to "the media" again...but all those Ads for a "Happy Retirement" "Active Seniors" laughing, playing games and socialising in their particular "retirement Villas" just add to the pressure I feel.

Everyone has big smiles, impeccable grooming, hand in hand with their partner, husband/wife etc."real life" for those of us entering the Third Act of their lives is not always like that.Particularly those of us who are alone.......

(I don't have anywhere I have to be tomorrow morning...so I just might lie in bed for a few minutes after waking and watch my white lacy curtains fluttering in the breeze...am I "allowed" to do this???)

[Hanna3]

Hi Moon,

Yes it's definitely OK just to lie and watch those white curtains fluttering in the breeze! Things like that are calming and lovely.

All those ads for retirement villages showing smiling happy couples are just advertising. Lots of us are alone and it's not like that.

So enjoy relaxing and enjoying the feeling that there's nowhere you have to be! Cheers.

[Paw Prints]

Hi Moon & everyone,

I'm a subscriber to the "move it or lose it" theory. Unfortunately for me my pain comes from severe degeneration of my spine & a failing hip joint. Both of which will require surgery to make any real change. I don't take pain killers [ I already take enough meds to rattle as I walk] instead I try to manage my pain through exercise & rest.

I've taken to referring to those idealised retirement ads as "Barbie & Ken" ads. It's a way of reminding myself that they aren't real life for me.

I'm sitting here on BB & if I look up from my pc I see all the housework that needs doing. Am I being lazy or is it ok to call this working on helping my mh? Am I hiding from real life curled up here on the couch?