Replacing negative self talk with more useful thoughts

[Sharny]

Hi,

I'll let you in on a little success I've had over the years replacing negative thoughts with more useful thought. I'd love to invite people to share their experiences to!

An example which occurs a lot with me for instance is when I'm involved in a group setting I instantly feel my worth is lower. It's a horrible feeling. I've had spontaneous feelings that what i have to offer or say is not appealing or that I'm viewed as weak. Over the past few years I've tried shifting those thoughts. If I walk into a fundraising meeting where a new idea is being discussed for instance, I make an agreement with myself to just let fly with my ideas and be willing to accept criticism no matter what. I've worked out that this way instead of my mind 'wondering' what people think of me, its all 'out there' no matter what so the uncertainty of thought has gone. I tell myself any negativity that 'might' of been present toward me will be accepted by myself should it arise. This ACCEPTANCE of what might come through feels better for my health.

Another example is if I feel someone does not like me, if their body language is suggestive of being a bit shut off for instance, not engaging with me in a meeting or even a social event instead of letting the experience spiral off to 'it must be me they hate', I rather choose to replace it with other possibilities. These might be, may be that person is shy? may be that person has something else going on in life at the moment? may be they struggle in social scene? May be they don't wan't to share an idea and would rather someone else in the group do it? I've found this helps shift my negative self talk.

Has anyone else got stories similar in getting over the top of thought? I would love to hear your success, trials etc?

[james1]

Hi Sharny,

I think this is a great post for people who are struggling and I've actually already suggested someone else come here to read what you've written!

For me, I struggle mostly with criticism of myself. I get angry at myself and feel guilty a lot, because I'm always questioning whether I did the right thing or thought the right thoughts.

In some way, I think I learned from my previous bouts with depression to push these self criticisms away. I try to replace "Why'd I think that? That was stupid of me, I never learn." with "I thought that. Okay, that was unhelpful, but it will pass." So I think it's similar to what you said about acceptance. I just accept how I feel, whether it was right or wrong, because feelings are temporary. That's not to say I always succeed, or even that I succeed a lot, but sometimes it works and that's good enough.

When I fail and I start thinking negatively about myself, my next tactic is to tell people. I tell them how I am feeling but also what my head tells me. "I feel guilty for thinking he/she isn't helping. But I know I'm entitled to feel sad if my friends aren't or can't helping, so I shouldn't feel guilty." And my friends inevitably tell me that, yes, my brain is saying the right things and it is absolutely understandable why I feel both sad and guilty. And just having that validation by a friend, even if I don't believe it, is positive.

Anyway, I'm also keen to hear what people have to say!

James

[Starwolf]

Hi Sharny and thanks for initiating this useful thread.

It is true that we are our harshest critics and the urge to compare ourselves with others is often irresistible. But we are all individuals, with different strong and weak points. Sure, someone may be better equipped than us to deal with a specific situation but let's nor forget that vice-versa also applies. Many people considered as geniuses in their chosen field were notoriously inadequate in other areas of their life.

We waste an awful lot of time and energy concocting negative, unlikely scenarios to scare ourselves with. Or rehashing long gone situations, past conversations, what was said or not, what could have been said or not etc...Meanwhile, we are not in the present moment and Life passes by.

I have found the application of mindfulness to whatever is happening within the mind in the here and now is a helpful tool. Negative thoughts have a knack of running away on us. Training ourselves to become aware of our thoughts as they arise allows us to acknowledge them and let them go before they take root and become well established. It is not easy but as with every new skill, practice eventually makes perfect. It ends up becoming a habit, a reflex. Negative thinking can notice itself as it is happening. Noticing it as it arises causes it to disappear...at least temporarily. Nothing wrong with thinking negative thoughts...dwelling on them is the problem.

Fighting negative thoughts doesn't work. It even makes things worse. Trying to forbid ourselves not to think the most unlikely thought (may it be a striped elephant or a red VW beetle for example) is an enlightening experiment. So yes, acknowledging the intrusive thought is the first necessary step (yes, I am scared that this may happen but it is not happening now and unlikely to happen in the future so I don't want to dwell on it now), then either replacing with a more positive version or distracting the mind altogether with something unrelated.

With particularly insistent, overwhelming thoughts, doing vs thinking can also help. Finding something to do that will totally engage and focus the mind on it.

We refer to it as our mind but in reality, it escapes our control and we can easily become its puppets. Regaining control doesn't come easy but is not impossible. It is well worth giving THIS a thought.

[Sharny]

Hi James,

Sorry for my late response. After posting this thread I got caught up and then slid backward in terms of being able to connect online. I hope you don't think I'm rude or insensitive. I have not been on forum for a month due to feeling my own overwhelm.

I find it interesting you mention the self criticism. Quite often this can be quite hard to tackle and I identify with what you say about hearing the thought and knowing it will pass. It can be quite hard too if the thoughts take a while to pass. I've taken about 8 years in this area to get to the point of replacing my first given perception or thought of what people 'might' be thinking about me with another option. I just kept practice it over and over. Sometimes it was uncomfortable still be exploring another possibility allowed the fight in my head to stop.

[Sharny]

Hi Starwolf,

Thank you for your reply. Like I said to James, terribly sorry I have not been online after posting this thread due to my own problems feeling overwhelmed in past month.

It resonates well with me what you mention about training our minds to be aware of our thoughts before they become well established. I must admit, there are still other thoughts I have that I can't replace with another thought or possibility. There are others that just plague me and I can't replace them, morbid thoughts that can last up toward a week. They are not situation prone but rather morbid thoughts that just cross my brain. I have not been able to shift those as well but rather try to meditate more during those times.

I once had anxiety so thick it was finding danger almost everywhere I went. One skill I used when I had anxiety about used matches burning the house down was to purposely place the used matches down on the bench top and leave the house. My previous 'method' was to put them under water which only fuelled my anxiety because I was getting involved more with the matches. By placing them on the bench and not wetting them I was not quite there yet in my goal to just not take any notice of the matches after blowing them out after use but it was a middle step to detaching myself from the anxiety it caused. Soon over a period of 6 weeks of just leaving the burnt out matches on bench and leaving I progressed to then finally not taking any notice and leaving house. My anxiety over the matches then became dismantled, not there, not giving into the wetting etc.

Originally I fought the anxiety so fiercely it took hold ( my long winded explanation above shows how).

[james1]

Hi Sharny, that's no problem at all. Sometimes we need to take time out for our own health and safety. I totally understand.

I think what you said here is so true:

Sharny said:

I've taken about 8 years in this area to get to the point of replacing my first given perception or thought of what people 'might' be thinking about me with another option. I just kept practice it over and over.

These deeply held beliefs and habits can be so difficult to break but it -is- possible. My psychologist tells me to be patient with myself. I've had 24 years to create these habits - they're not going to disappear overnight.

I hope you're okay. I was mid-way through reading another one of your posts, but my computer shut down unexpectedly and I can't find it anymore. Is everything okay?

James