My life has turned upside down

TishaJade · ‎28-04-2020

I feel like I've had the best and also worst year and a half. I met the love of my life March 2019. Back then, I was confident, happy, bubbly, positive and everything was SO GOOD. I embraced having a step child and being a step mother, and to me, we were all one big happy family. I quit my job as I was unhappy there, and I felt like it was going to be a whole new better chapter, I had the love of my life, the life I wanted, and i was going to pursue a new career that earned me decent money so we could save and buy a home together. I was suffering a bit with mental health when I quit my job, so i wanted to focus mainly on my mental health and get myself back a little bit before I dived into applying for jobs, when i decided to start i was getting nowhere, despite how hard i tried. My parter was supportive, but i felt my mental health get worse. My anxiety skyrocketed, and all of a sudden I was spiralling into a depression. I was always anxious, negative and I started to get jealous of his son, the fact he had a child with someone else, and started losing a lot of self confidence and self love. THEN i fell pregnant. My parter and i discussed what would we would do if this did happen... The reason i fell pregnant was because i thought birth control was affecting my moods, or making me depressed. I started ovulating twice in one month.. and BOOM. We both agreed on termination, but I was still sad... I medically aborted at home and my mum supported me. It was HARD. my parter was supportive and he told me we would have kids one day etc. Not long after this happened my mum broke the news that her and my dad would be moving interstate. It didnt hit me at first... But when my dad moved over first and my mum found someone to rent their home it hit me like a truck. My parents whom im so close with are leaving me... I have a brother who lives 3 hours away and works interstate constantly... I never see him. I don't have other family im awfully close to except my grandma but she is old and when I'm upset it worries and stresses her out and I don't want to do that to her. My mental health has gotten worse, my parter and i are always fighting, ive felt myself being resentful to my step child, and I find myself going downhill daily. Im so jealous... and emotional. My partner assures me he loves me, and i know he does.. But he has made it clear his mental health is being affected by mine. Now he's moving out and leaving me alone in my house.We both talked about this before.

I mentioned it once when i was feeling really low that i miss who i used to be when we first started dating... I want to add that we have a GOOD relationship, we love eachother, plan to buy property and a home together. There is so much love. But my mental health is affecting my relationship... I feel scared and like he is going to leave me as he has tried to do before but I have begged him to stay and apologised for my actions... He said he loves me and definitely wants to be with me but i need to sort out my mental health and I agree. The past year i have been on and off birth control, been in an abusive work environment, got pregnant and terminated, my parents are moving away, i have struggled to get a job, I feel like a terrible person, my partner has wanted to leave me at times. I have seen counsellors on and off when they can fit me in. Never regularly enough to help. I feel like time apart from my partner by myself to get on my feet will help me, but im also scared as I have no one.

Sophie_M · ‎28-04-2020

Hi TishaJade,

Thanks for reaching out tonight. We're so sorry to hear that you've had such a complex time over the last year and a half. We can understand that you're feeling overwhelmed by your partner moving out, it's a big change to go through. It's great that you've been doing your best to work on your mental health and wellbeing. Have you ever seen a psychologist or another type of mental health professional?

We would recommend that you do consider getting some support with your mental health. You don't have to do this alone. If you are not sure of how to go about this, the Beyond Blue Support Service can help you. They are available 24/7 by phone on 1300 22 4636 or on Webchat 3pm-12am AEST on our website: www.beyondblue.org.au/getsupport.

Many of our members have felt similar and will be able to talk through these feelings with you. If you would like to post further, please tell us more about what's on your mind and how we can best help you get through this tough period.

Croix · ‎02-05-2020

Dear TishaJade ~

I've read a fair number of your other posts, starting last years, and have seen as time has gone on that your attitude has changed from bubbly, happy and full of love to feeling that you are experiencing the wrong emotions: jealousy, insecurity and even bad temper.

You have really tried , anyone can see that , and giving up a baby may have been one of the hardest things to do when you've said it was a possible avenue to being close to your partner, and not just having a child shared by three, but by only the two of you.

I know you agreed between you, do you mind if I ask how do you feel about that now?

People do have past lives, as does your partner, and that may well mean they have changed as a result, having been in a relationship before that failed can make all sorts of differences differences from distrust to valuing a new relationship more.

From what you said you are valued and loved by both your partner and his child, and they in all probability they are missing you right now.

This of course is not the only matter deeply affecting you, having your parents nearby no more, and the fact you are unemployed, all add to the mix.

As someone with an anxiety condition that made me distrustful and not realise my worth I fund I was unable to improve without outside help. I know you have been prescribed medication at one stage and if I remember correctly have been promised therapy at some time in the future.

May I suggest you back to your GP and explain that things have deteriorated a lot, and your treatment needs to be more effective -and prompter. Without a small amount of confidence in your self and ability to be loved things will not improve.

Under the new tele-health arrangements it might be possible to find a therapist who can assist you sooner.

Maybe your mum and dad can be closer by Skype or similar, giving you some comfort.

Maybe you ought not simply live completely separately from your partner but could discuss talking or doing some other things together from time to time?

How do you feel about theses suggestions? I look forward to your reply

Croix

TishaJade · ‎15-05-2020

Hi Croix,

I apologize for the very delayed response. Unfortunately, my partner decided to leave me, as he was not happy anymore and told me he didn't love me anymore. I feel guilt and misery beyond comprehension. I really lost a great person because I was so unhappy within myself. Since he left me about 2 weeks ago I feel like I am becoming myself again, I'm having to pull myself back up and remember who I am and what I love and I'm choosing to love myself more now. I regret how I have treated the love of my life through my own unhappiness, and as much as I love him and wanted to continue to be with him, I realise how badly I treated him and I love him enough to admit he deserves better. I know I am a good person, but I did not act like one the past 12 months. I don't blame him for leaving me. I'll be okay... I feel stronger already. But I will always miss him... And I will never truly get over this man...

Croix · ‎15-05-2020

Dear TishaJade~

Well, I'm sorry that thngs have not worked out and you are now on your own. The fact you are starting to feel stronger is great.

I do think you are falling into a trap htat I fell into -more than once to be truthful, and that is to realise there are two me's.

The first is how I used to be -and am now again. The second is when I was very ill and the condition altered me so that I did not behave in the same way -nothing like it. Apart from many other things I was angry, anxious and controlling -and distrustful.

Somebody who met me when ill would have judged me a most unpleasant person - or so I would imagine. The trouble was I did too, and that was not helpful at all. Judging anyone when they are ill by normal standards is simply inappropriate.

You mentioned "I know I am a good person", hang onto that thought, I'm very sure it is true. OK maybe you did behave in a difficult manner as your anxiety did not allow you the confidence not to worry about security. But that was not the real you.

Actually considering the life changes you had with job, parents, being a step-parent plus a termination there was probably more there than most people could handle without some sort of reaction.

When one partner becomes ill the other partner has a role to play, and frankly from your account your ex played a minimum part and after your termination moved out. Have you considered he may have wanted a termination as for you to have a baby would have given greater permanence to the relationship, something he was not realy ready to do?

Perhaps I'm misunderstanding however that does not sound like consistent strong loving support - am I being too harsh?

In the changed circumstances do you think you will stay where you are or maybe move closer to your parents?

Croix

TishaJade · ‎20-05-2020

Hi Croix,

Thanks again for your reply.

I agree with you that I was not the 'real me during most of the relationship. Due to no fault of anybody. I must say, my ex was very supportive and loving and caring throughout the entire relationship and I cannot fault him. The termination of the pregnancy was a mutual agreement. We both agreed we were not ready. He said he wanted to have children with me one day, but that we were not in a position to start yet. (Which was true) we didn't want to have children in the home we were renting. I do believe he did want kids one day, but it was not on his mind in the present moment, and definitely not as much as it was on my mind. I was emotional about the pregnancy because I love him, and I felt maternal and attached. And then I started worrying that he did not want children with me and I never stopped being upset about that despite his reassurance. I needed a lot of reassurance about many things and he was exhausted. I don't blame him. I believe the circumstances of the relationship made me very insecure, not him, but the fact he had a child to someone else, his family is close to his ex. It just got worse and worse for me emotionally. And then before I knew it I was having anxiety attacks and outbursts of rage. It was not healthy. I do believe he loved me... but he needed to get out too.

I think I am going to stay where I am and get on my feet again. I have friends who are reaching out, and I am determined to be strong and independent and make something solid for myself.

Croix · ‎21-05-2020

Dear TishaJade ~

I guess I'm pleased both that you are, for the moment, reconciled to your position and wish to change thngs you felt were negative.

You do have a lot to offer another. And maybe your next encounter will be a better fit (not that I'm saying your ex did not try hard)

Having freinds for support is a most important thing , trying to deal with matters in isolation is very hard. Can I ask if your medical support knows what you are going though at the moment?

Also what are you doing for you? What can you look forward to doing each day you know you will enjoy?

Croix