It's all lies, lies, lies...

[SourceShield]

As a kid...

In my home I learned that sometimes telling lies kept me safe because sometimes telling the truth still got me a hiding.

Telling lies was a strategy for staying safe.

And the more that I keep learning this lesson at home, the more it was reinforced until it became a deep-belief.

A limiting belief but still a belief that I held onto for many years.

The thing is as I grew and got older I still told lies, and sometimes I had no idea why...It was like an addiction that I had no control over.

The first step that I took to getting myself as healthy and as well as I could be, was to accept the unacceptable!

I began to accept all the stuff about myself that I despised and hated including all the lies that I had told.

I accepted and I forgave.

I know that forgiveness can be a controversial topic for some but I learned how to forgive myself and that has made it easier to forgive others - some of us have this in reverse, we find it easy to forgive ourselves when we have learned to forgive others - but learning to forgive and live, and grow from all the hurt and pain that lying can cause is essential.

You have to just allow yourself to be what you are without the judgement and then you can make healthy changes.

Criticizing and judging and listening to all the criticisms and judgments just creates a negative feedback loop...thats easy to get sucked into over and over and over again.

Remember that not everything that you think is the truth, it feels real...but its not the truth. And, sometimes what you're hearing in your head, the voice that tells you that you're useless and worthless (that was what I told myself all the time), thats the voice that's all lies, lies, lies.

Once you catch out and keep calling that voice out, it eventually eases up until you can trust yourself and your inner voice again.

Take care of yourself on this adventure.

muchLove

[Guest_1055]

Hey SourceShield

Thanks heaps for your encouraging post.

Sometimes when we are in a depressed way, those lies of being worthless, useless, and also hopeless , well......those feelings can be overwhelming. But they are lies just like you say. Big fat lies that try and convince us that it's true. And sometimes we need reminding of that. So thanks for your loving reminder. And good on you! for learning to forgive yourself.

And if that is you in the profile picture...well you have a nice smile.

Take care

Shell xx

[SourceShield]

Thank you Shell!

Yes - that goofball in the pic is me!

Im glad that you can take something positive from what I have written.

I've decided that I need to reach out more.

I'm feeling a tad isolated at the moment but rather than going back into doing what I have done in the past which is to hide away and hibernate, which is fine some of the time. But I feel that this time, I need to reach out, share and connect.

Thank you for your comment Shell.

Much appreciated.

[blondguy]

Hi Sourceshield

What a positive and helpful post! If I can quote something you said that I thought was original and well said..

"Criticizing and judging and listening
to all the criticisms and judgments just creates a negative feedback
loop...thats easy to get sucked into over and over and over again"

I have also read your recent post. I am like yourself and feel a tad isolated too. I admire the strength you have to reach out and post the way you have. Like Shells' post said our brain is really good at tricking us into thinking towards the wrong fork in the road.

Nice1 Source

My kind thoughts

Paul

[Gruffudd]

Hi Jedi, lovely to see you here again...

Do I recall correctly that you were thinking about your identity from a rather young age? I really like the way you are positive about yourself and others.

That inner voice is so important. I think I am happiest when I can hear mine and respond to it. I call that voice Robbie because he/she has been there since I was very small.

Glad your reaching out 🙂

Rob.

[SourceShield]

Hi Blondguy,

Thank you for your comment.

I feel that reaching out is whats needed for me to do right now, and I didnt want to just write any old anything. I wanted to tell the truth...about telling lies!

The funny thing is the more I share from my truth, the stronger I have become, even in times of weakness or feeling isolated. By simply writing the post, I already feel like I have connected with like-minded people. Thats really important, especially these days when we're all rushing about everywhere all the time.

Thanks again for your comment mate.

[SourceShield]

Hi Gruffudd,

Yes - as a kid, in my neighborhood, all we ever heard about being gay was incredibly negative and not only that as a kid I lived in a home with a pre-op transexual, I only knew her as my aunty.

This is in the 70s, way before Caitlyn Jenner!

I loved my aunt but when she would step outside, the neigbours and some other family members would harass and abuse her.

I knew that I was gay at 4yrs and so in my young brain I heard the neighbors calling my aunt a "fag" and a "homo" etc, I knew that I also liked boys as well...so in my young head, I thought that one day I was gonna have to become a girl too...like my aunt.

We had no positive gay role models - Freddie Mercury...dead of aids, Rock Hudson...dead of aids, Elton John...hadnt made his mind up and neither had George Michael!

This is why for years I just acted like a girl because I thought that is what you do when youre gay.

Now - I love being a man, male and masculine, and I accept my feminine side.

I have had to let many limiting beliefs go, and one of these beliefs was about making the decision that I am the decision maker in my life, and no one else.

I am glad to have experienced all this, the confusion and anxiety, all makes sense now.

Im no longer angry about it.

And thats really big.

[Gruffudd]

That is really big. We have come so far.

Sometimes in this more connected age I forget for a moment what it was like growing up. It really did get better. Your right, that was about the sum of the role models, except for the odd character on the Bill and the doctor on GP both of which had me absolutely engrossed - sitting right up close to the TV with the sound low so no one would catch me.

I like that new photo of yours, defiantly manly.

There is a cross over between this experience and others who feel like they don't fit in, I suspect we have learned a trick or two and hope that we can share them so others lives can get better too.

Your awesome.

Rob.

[blondguy]

Hey Source

You are a breath of fresh air 🙂 I feel weak a lot recently...its really nice to connect with you on a similar level

Paul:-)

[SourceShield]

Thank you Rob.

I'd love to learn more about what you have on your pic - I'm genuinely interested.

I will look it up for myself but what is NAIDOC week?

Excuse my ignorance!

I also LOVE Aborigianal/Indigenous Australian Art - Im from NZ, and also love our tribal art.

I hope to get a tattoo on my right shoulder, of my Aussie story - I have lived here for nearly ten years but have generally kept to myself - its been a time for much personal development.

I would like the tattoo to be in Aboriginal dot work art.

I've grown a lot here, some by choice but mostly thats just how life is, it can force us some times to grow and learn, and sometimes that happens when we're not ready to change at all - but you just have to go with life, and not fight against it.

I want the shoulder tatt, to represent what I have learned here in OZ and hopefully will find the right artist that can do dot work tattoo.

I sincerely appreciate your positive vibe mate!

Thank U.