Is it really as bad as I think?

[TishaJade]

Hi all,

I've posted a few times about how I feel about this situation, and it seems like I feel better for a little while, and then go back to the same thoughts and feelings. I just want to feel good and continue feeling good. It's hard to know if my feelings are real, or if they are just fears and worries.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and it's clear we love each other a real lot. When we got together he told me he had a son from a previous unmarried relationship. At first I was fine with this. But as months passed I struggled. I struggle with the fact that he has had a child with someone else. And that I will NEVER be the only one to have children to him. I love him beyond measure, and I am JEALOUS that such a beautiful first milestone of having a first child was done without me. And that when we have our child, it will not be as special to him...

I know that he did not love his ex the way he loves me. He never considered marriage, and having a child was only a way of fixing their relationship which, clearly, didn't work. He has told me that he actually wants to get married to me one day, and wants a proper family and this makes me feel good for a little while, but then I am plagued by the above feelings all over again. I feel like I have been an excellent step mum, and I know that his child loves me too. But at times I can't help but feel jealous that his son takes him away from me. That he is tied to a child and another woman and always will be.

I need some serious waking up, facing reality and positive opinions. Can you understand how I feel? What can I do or how can I change these feelings? I am so emotional about this and have been for a long time. Maybe men aren't as emotional about all this stuff as women are?

[TishaJade]

Hi Deckt,

Don't apologise, life gets hard sometimes I'm glad to hear from you.

I agree with you about having choices. And I can tell you personally that I never had a problem with being a step mum, and I have embraced the role as best as I can. I don't mind cooking dinners, reading stories, bathtime, family days and I don't mind the million questions he asks me a day. What is hard to swallow, is getting attached to a child, and loving a child that is not, and never will be mine. It's a struggle between jealousy that my partner's child belongs to another woman, feeling like I'll never have my partner all to myself, that I have to share him with two other people totally not related to me or my life, but that I have to come to accept. I understand from your perspective that a father does not love a child more or less than the other. But I believe they are loved DIFFERENTLY. In your case, having two children with a woman that perhaps you didn't love, versus a child with a woman you love with your whole heart. Maybe it is not fair of me to feel this way, but in some ways, I feel like ultimately, my children SHOULD be somewhat more of a priority for mainly one reason. My children would only have him as a father, whereas his child now has two sets of parents and is well looked after. Does this make sense. It is my fear that when I have children he will favour my step child over our children. And I feel like our children SHOULD be somewhat more 'special' to him as I am their mother, the woman he LOVES. Do you resonate with this at all? Maybe I am just super emotional about this. Maybe I get it confused that if my partner loves his kid so much, it must have something to do with the mother... I enjoy hearing your view from the male perspective, and I'm somewhat blessed to have someone understand my situation. It must have been EXTREMELY hard on your ex to have left you. It must have really eaten her up inside. I have fallen in and out of depression, wishing I could change my perspective on this. It's REALLY hard. The reason it's hard is not normally the physicality of it. It's the emotional burden and having to face facts that your life changes forever, you will never have the life you planned, you have to share the person you love with another woman for a long time because they share a child. You have to sacrifice your life to help raise a tiny human, meanwhile battling within yourself that they'll never belong to you.

I hope to hear from you again.

TishaJade

[Deckt]

Hi TishaJade,

I'll be honest, it's a little triggery for me, because you are saying exactly the things that my ex said. However, I think that you are more willing to listen to reason.

You are embracing the role of step-parent. Why do you feel that they have to be YOURS to enjoy having them in your life? Being a step-parent can be awesome.

You feel like you'll "never have my partner all to myself, that I have to share him with two other people totally not related to me or my life". That's a bit possessive, and entitled. Does he have friends, family? Do you? Why is it that you can "share" him with those people? If your partner is the father that you describe him as, he will love all of his children differently, but equally. I'd also remind you that the children you are speaking of, the children that you want to share with your partner, are currently hypothetical. They may never exist. Don't throw away a bird in the hand for two in the bush.

Ultimately, this is about you, and your insecurities, rather than the situation. I think you know this. You say that you wish you could change your perspective, and that you've tried, and that it's hard. If you can't change your perspective, quit this relationship, today. If you can't see yourself doing that, try harder. Have you sought any professional counselling on this issue? I'm sorry if that sounds harsh. But you MIGHT be able to change your perspective, possibly with CBT or some other treatment. You will not be able to change your partner's feelings for his child, and frankly, if you could, it would be wrong of you to do so.

I don't think it did eat my partner up inside. She was spoiled, and selfish. Giving her 90% of my time wasn't enough. 95% wasn't enough. 98% wasn't enough. She wanted everything. She made me choose between her and my kids. I guarantee you that if you put your partner in that position, it will not end well for you. Children do not belong to any of us. We just take care of them for a while.

But I don't think that you are spoiled, or selfish. You can change yourself, if you want to badly enough, and I think that you do. Look into some CBT therapy and exercises, and possibly look into a support group for step-parents?

I'm sorry if this has come across as harsh, but I thought it was best to be straight with you. It took my ex two and a half years to work out that she couldn't deal with the fact that I had children, though I always put her needs first. Don't do this to your partner.

[TishaJade]

Hi Deckt,

I apologise for the delayed response.

I just want you to know how much i appreciate your time and effort and pain to guide me through this experience. And I apologise sincerely for how it affects you.

You have been understanding, but also honest and tactful. And I just want you to know you have helped me a lot to change my perspective, and not take for granted the wonderful life I have and the wonderful man and father that I have who loves me.

I have learnt over the past few days that there is one type of pain that overbears all the insignificant hurt I have been struggling with for a long time, and that is losing my partner forever, and recently I have almost done that. It broke my heart in a million pieces when my partner suddenly said he couldn't do it anymore, and he is sorry he can't give me the life that I want and he is sorry he has caused me a lot of pain. He broke down and cried and I have never seen him do that. He was adamant it was over. Of course, I begged him and pleaded with him that I love my life with him and that I will always push through and be here because I love him. It took a lot of tears and pain and convincing but i realised how my behavior and my demands and my bitterness has affected his mental health. I realised how truly terrible I have been. And that feeling hurt about something nobody can change is no excuse because he has NEVER treated me in any way shape or form the way I have treated him. I felt truly undeserving of him that above everything he was willing to let me go because he thought it would make me happier. This is when I knew I couldn't live without him and that I would focus on how good I have it, and how much i love my life and my step child and I would never let jealousy and negativity take over my life anymore.

Thank you for helping me see how much i could be throwing away just because of jealousy and selfishness.

What can I do to prove myself and make his love for me stronger? How do I make him confident that I am in It for the long haul. What would make you truly love a woman with everything inside you, that there is no doubt. I don't want my partner to ever doubt me again.

A million thanks,
TishaJade

[Deckt]

Hey TishaJade!

I'm really glad that you received my response in the spirit in which it was intended. So glad.

Can I gently remind you that you're not terrible? And importantly, telling yourself that you're terrible is really unhelpful. Don't do it. It's one thing to recognise that you could have made better choices in the past, and you've done that. This is great! But please don't put yourself down.

I don't really buy the "prove your love" thing. Just from how you've talked about him, it's pretty clear that a) he loves you, and b) knows that you love him. SHOW him your love, but don't feel like you have to PROVE it. From my perspective? The best way that a woman can show that she loves me is to accept every part of me; especially the part of me that is a father. It doesn't sound to me like he's doubted you; rather that he doubted himself.

All you have to do is keep trying to be better. Don't let it become a complex, and PLEASE don't beat yourself up if you have bad days. You're a human person; we're allowed to be a little jealous and insecure sometimes. Those bad times will happen. The important thing is what you do next. Learn from the mistakes, do better.

You got this, TJ. 🙂

Please feel free to keep checking in. I'm happy to offer what little wisdom I have in this arena.