Is it really as bad as I think?

TishaJade · ‎19-03-2020

Hi all,

I've posted a few times about how I feel about this situation, and it seems like I feel better for a little while, and then go back to the same thoughts and feelings. I just want to feel good and continue feeling good. It's hard to know if my feelings are real, or if they are just fears and worries.

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and it's clear we love each other a real lot. When we got together he told me he had a son from a previous unmarried relationship. At first I was fine with this. But as months passed I struggled. I struggle with the fact that he has had a child with someone else. And that I will NEVER be the only one to have children to him. I love him beyond measure, and I am JEALOUS that such a beautiful first milestone of having a first child was done without me. And that when we have our child, it will not be as special to him...

I know that he did not love his ex the way he loves me. He never considered marriage, and having a child was only a way of fixing their relationship which, clearly, didn't work. He has told me that he actually wants to get married to me one day, and wants a proper family and this makes me feel good for a little while, but then I am plagued by the above feelings all over again. I feel like I have been an excellent step mum, and I know that his child loves me too. But at times I can't help but feel jealous that his son takes him away from me. That he is tied to a child and another woman and always will be.

I need some serious waking up, facing reality and positive opinions. Can you understand how I feel? What can I do or how can I change these feelings? I am so emotional about this and have been for a long time. Maybe men aren't as emotional about all this stuff as women are?

romantic_thi3f · ‎19-03-2020

Hi TishaJade,

Thank you for your post and it's good to see you back here again. I'm really glad that you've been finding some support in these forums.

Your question - wanting to know if these feelings are real, or if they are just fears and worries - I think all of it is real. Fears and worries included!

I can totally see why you would be feeling this and I imagine that I would feel the same way too. The way I see it - I think that you need to give yourself some permission to feel all this stuff without trying to change it. What would it be like to not try and 'wake up' or change how you feel?

I don't think that there's anything to be ashamed of in feeling jealous. It's kind of like you are grieving a lack of an experience - not being able to have your first child together, or be brand new parents together. Being and feeling jealous is totally normal and understandable. I want to really encourage you to just feel it for a while if you can.

rt

Deckt · ‎19-03-2020

Hi TishaJade,

Oh hun. I feel your hurt feelings. I am a guy, and my partner (who I loved and probably still do love, so, so much) has recently left me over pretty much this exact issue.

I have two sons from a previous relationship. They loved my ex, so much. But she couldn't handle that I was still "tied" to the mother of their children. It's just not true, and I doubt it is true in your situation. He loves YOU. If he loved her, he would be with her. I get the feeling of "it won't be special" when he has a child with you. My ex and I were planning to get pregnant. I can promise you that I would have loved our child just as much as my boys from before. No more, no less. If anything, can you see that his determination to stay in his son's life as a positive? That he is a good man, and doesn't abandon his responsibilities? If you can, please do. I wish that my ex had been able to do that. Please don't make him choose between his son and you. I made my choice, and I know that it was the right way. But it hurt more than anything I've ever done in my life.

Think of it like this - the first time that you make love is special, and always will be. Would it be reasonable to end a relationship because they had slept with someone else before you, and you would never have that special first with them? I don't think so. Just remember - you can't change go back and change the beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending.

I can't say that I know exactly what you're going through, but I have a pretty good feeling of what your boyfriend is. Instead of resenting him for what he is not, please appreciate him for what he is. I do hear your pain. You are allowed to feel your feelings. But you don't need to let them control you, and just because you feel something does not make it true.

TishaJade · ‎19-03-2020

Hi Deckt,

Thanks so so so much for your empathy.

From the woman's perspective, being in love with a man who has a child, I can't tell you how INCREDIBLY HARD it is. I can't speak for your ex-girlfriend, and I am terribly sorry that she couldn't cope with this situation that I can personally say I sympathize with. My boyfriend has told me a thousand times that if I can't cope with it that he won't keep me from leaving. He says that he doesn't want me to hurt because he can't change the past, and that he didn't know I existed back then, or that I would be the one he truly wanted this life with. But if I truly can't deal with the situation that he doesn't blame me. I know that he wants to have us both in his life, and choosing is no option and I would never make him choose. To be honest, leaving him is not an option either. He is the man of my dreams, I love him TOO much hence the overemotional feelings. He treats me well and is a FANTASTIC dad. A dad I would love to have for my children. All my family tell me how lucky I am and that I'm silly for feeling the way I feel. It is very hard... being the step-mum of a child that your partner had with another woman. To some of us, it hurts beyond belief. I struggle every day, I find myself falling into depression over it, getting irritable, angry, emotional I have told him at times that I feel like he wouldn't want children with me as much as he did her, or he wouldn't love my children as much... He tells me it's not true, and that the only reason he doesn't love our children as much is because they don't exist yet.

I'd find some sort of healing knowing that having children with me would be the biggest joy in his life, that he would love my children somewhat deeper because he loves me and they are a part of me. I just want to know that having a first child with her doesn't matter because it's nowhere near as special as it would be with me, someone he loves. And someone he wants to have a child with, because he is happy, and not because he is not. Does this resonate with you? Do you feel like this would be true in your case and in mine?

quirkywords · ‎19-03-2020

Tisha jade,

think everyone is different. I know both men and women who have married partners who already had children.

My first husband said he would not marry a woman who had children.

I can see you are conflicted you love this man and if you have a child with him that would be special as it is your first. I know you realise he loves his so and you and he would want both in his life.

Sometimes we spend time wanting something we cant have instead of loving what we already have.

Dekt is giving his perspective which is helpful.

I wonder if you leave and find a man who hs not had children will you be any happier? Just a thought.

I wish you all the best.

TishaJade · ‎19-03-2020

Hi quirkywords,

Leaving him has crossed my mind at times. I will admit that when I am feeling really sorry for myself, I have thought about what it would be like with someone else. Would my pain go away?

The answer is no. My pain would not go away, I would be in pain of losing them both. I have found someone so worth being with that I hate myself for feeling this way. He treats me better than I deserve, and supports me through everything. He loves me, shows it and makes me happy. He wants a life with me, and I believe in my heart that I am the only one he truly wants to marry and have a real family with. I can't imagine not being with him he is my soulmate and best friend. I just need help to rise above this...

Deckt · ‎20-03-2020

Hi TishaJade,

I've read your post, and I have some thoughts, but I can't tonight. It's nothing to do with you or your post, just some other stuff I'm going through right now. I will come back to this, most likely tomorrow. Just wanted to check in and let you know I'm still following this thread.

TishaJade · ‎03-04-2020

Hi Deckt,

Sorry for the really late reply.

Thank you for still following my thread. It means a lot to me. I still struggle with this... but somehow over the last couple of weeks I have felt a little better. I hope you are feeling okay?

TishaJade

Guest_1643 · ‎04-04-2020

Hi Tisha, i'm very moved by the love you feel for your partner and also the way you write about your confusion at this time. I just want to validate you that what you felt was real and okay. I'm glad you feel better, I hope sharing here is helping 🙂

Deckt · ‎05-04-2020

Hi TishaJade,

I'm very sorry that it has taken me so long to get back to you. As I'm sure you know, the world is pretty weird and confronting right now.

The most important thing, that I think that you've realised, and that my ex never did, is that you have a choice. You can change the situation, or you can change the way you react to the situation. Changing the situation means leaving. If that's not something you can see yourself doing, the ONLY choice you have is to change your perspective. He's a good dad, and you love that about him. Being a good father is the greatest achievement that any man will ever make in his life. It means that he steps up and takes accountability of his responsibilities. That's a man to be cherished.

Something that she never got, and your post resonates with my situation too was the fear that he wouldn't love your child as much, and the hope that he'd love it more. If he's a good dad? He'll love them just the same. There's not a finite amount of love to spread around. The more people there are, the more love there is to go around.

I hope that you make the decision that will bring you the greatest joy. I don't feel that my ex did, but it was her choice to make. For you, for your partner, for your current and future children... please make the right choice.