Charity begins at home

[white knight]

I don't know the statistics but percentage wise I'd guess those with any form of mental illness out number those without in terms if charity work.

If so, shouldn't it be the other way around? The balancing of family life, work and all those other things, shopping, paying bills, home maintenance and so on is already a bigger struggle for us...add charity work to the mix and thy cup can runneth over.

Why are we doing charity work? My theory is that as one new member of bb put it, "I am a givver" we get great pleasure from helping others. Why?

Perhaps because we do mentally feel more compassionate, we could be more emotional or sympathetic.

A problem is that some people are out there without mental struggles that take on a lot of activities be it for schools or clubs and once you are sighted and judged as not involving yourself much, they focus on you as a person they can dump responsibilities on.

We are soft targets for this. And if you are like me in my past you won't be able to easily say "no thanks". Furthermore you'll feel guilty and offer explanations like " I have depression". That blank stare you get back might be one of sympathy but more likely its "oh, he is one if those...what do I do now?".

Another trap is volunteering to help out on a roster or a time further ahead. How do you know you'll be OK on that given day?

When I started posting in this forum very actively to help others I had to ensure all other aspects of my life was in order. My work here could not be to the cost of my stability or my daily chores.

In fact it has been to the benefit to my life because I've learned from others about their symptoms. However, it is clear that the family balance particularly with young children is much harder. Team work between parents has to be fine tuned.

Be very careful in how much you take on. Don't be afraid to say " I'm sorry maybe next time". If that refusal resulted in you obtaining a few hours rest/sleep then you are putting into action the 'charity begins at home' priority.

One day you'll be certain you can take on a little charity work. It might be a time when your kids have left home, you are bored or you need that social interaction. That's good.

Until then remember to look after your mental stress by limiting you away from home work at times that suit you.

Its not being selfish, its allowing you to function without overloading your life.

Tony WK

[JessF]

Hello Tony, I used to be terrible at not knowing when to say NO to things. A few years back a friend bought me a book called The Art of Extreme Self-Care. It helped me realise what I was depriving myself of by not saying NO to things, and also what I potentially was doing damage to with my relationships in life.

I was scared to say NO because of potential conflict and rejection, letting people down. I was also scared to say NO because I liked to feel needed and in demand, and tobe honest when I was rushed off my feet, always busy and tired and overcommitted, there was part of me that enjoyed the feeling of being a martyr. It left me burnt out, I didn't have time for the people and things that kept me nurtured, and it made me a grumpy and difficult person to be around at times!

It's said a lot on this forum, but I think we need to learn to be kind to ourselves before we can be kind to others.

[blondguy]

Hi Tony WK

I have been trying to help my daughter for years. She is only 23 and refuses all my help (not any judgemental or patronizing or agonizing aunt mentality) She has post natal depression and has gone all dark and gothic and hates the world.

I have been 'there' for her but that is all I can do as she is an adult. I have no other alternative than to realize that charity begins at home. My health must come first here....

Background: My daughter was brought up by my ex to be her best friend. A family court appointed child psychologist told me in 1996 when my daughter was 4....."Paul I have never had a mother refuse me to interview a child on her own in my career and profession"

The court appointed child psychologist also said "Paul...your ex treats her daughter as her best friend...this is very unusual & dangerous and will effect the child in her development"

Charity does begin at home. Its my time now.

Paul

[white knight]

Paul, I hear you.y ex did that with my youngest. At 13yo my oldest daughter left home to live with me. Her mother ceased seeing her a while after that as punishment for leaving her. How disgraceful.

From then on my youngest at 9yo was groomed to slowly dislike me. By 14yo she rang me out if the blue "I don't want to see you anymore".

Regardless of that I paid $14000 extra above child support for her mouth operations. Lucky I patted myself on the back because her mother nor daughter thanked me.

It was earlier this year my daughter now 24yo said hi, in my driveway. She'd drifted from her mother and called her " bossy". I didn't respond.

We are restoring our love. When she left my home last time , she hugged me but wouldn't stop. It was beautiful.

She earlier that day questioned the amount I'd paid towards her mouth. I supplied the receipts.

I did tell her that when her 21st birthday came and went without a word I considered giving up forever and writing to her telling her never to try and make contact. She was astounded. "You'd give up on me"? I insisted I would because I would need to preserve my heart for those that loved me and respected me.

Truth is I'd never reject her but she won't ever know that. There has to be a deterrent.

I did comment about her mother once. My daughter had said her mother was once her best friend. Then I asked her if she had read my dozens of letters sent over the years (she never responded) ...read them to her mother...

My daughter replied she had read them to her mother. I asked how her mother responded. She said she laughed. I said " then she was a poor friend and not a good mother. Any good mother would have encouraged her daughter to reply with respect at least and reply to keep communication open.

My daughter just stared at me. I knew I said the truth. My daughter knew it.

Something was in the air. Burnt sausages on the BBQ and karma in my heart.

On our round oz trip she messages me every fortnight telling me I'm important to her and that she loves me. I feel safe with her now. She isn't the 14yo that said those hurtful words "I don't want to see you again'

I hope your daughter grows up to do the same Paul. For the time being, hang in there, she might follow your star. Her loss if not.

Tony WK

[blondguy]

Hey Tony WK, I am glad I am not alone and thankyou for your counsel. I promise I will hang in there. You have done so well with your daughter Tony. Mine self harmed late last year and I still feel useless. She breaks my heart. I will continue to 'be there' for her.

Life can throw us several 'curved' balls. Thankyou for being there Tony. You are a gentle soul. Paul