Hey what's up,
Man, today has been a good day. The first one I can honestly say in the past couple of weeks. With the whole corona virus changes going on I've really felt out of sorts. My routine has changed a lot as my usual coping tools have been EXTREMELY limited. Along with the additional stress of my partner's employment uncertainty, the kids being at home, and my university studies I've really had to put firm action into keeping my head together. But, I'm finally having some success. I've walked with depression, PTSD, and addiction undiagnosed and untreated up until 6 years ago (when I was 27). I was an absolute mess, then I hit rock bottom and reached out. I struggled with accepting that my own way of being had landed me in a hospital ward on suicide watch, but I knew I had no where else to go, nothing I did seemed to work for me in getting out how I was feeling. Hopeless and pathetic. I was put on medication and had some time in hospital to stabilise before they sent me home. But guess what (?) Nothing changed. I was doing the same old thing, surpassing the same old demons, in denial that I could keep going in my career if old I could pull myself up from my boot straps that bit higher. and guess what happened.... 6 months later another visit to the ward, however this time the only way I was getting out was via detox and rehab. I remember feeling so broken, in my then realisation, that I could not do life. Not like how my wife seemed to do it, my friends, or everyone else I had met throughout my life. Why couldn't I do this living thing right! Am I the only one not getting this?
... and how a relief it was to meet other like me. Who felt with months struggling to feel .... anything. Who were haunted by their past, and couldn't be comfortable in their own skin. I'm so grateful to have met these people. We talk about how we struggled on a daily basis to emotionally regulated and shared tools and techniques in being responsible for our health and routines that help us in living a for-filled life with our "monsters". I spent the next 3 years addressing my stuff. I worked with my GP about getting the proper meds for me, I reached out to social communities for support, I saw a psychologist (and still do), and I tried every suggestion that was presented to me. From self-help work shops, meditation retreats, mens circles to overseas adventures. All to find what works for me to flourish in my new life.
Looking forward to hearing y'all.
MM
