What to do when you’ve been cheated on? Advice?

[BTR]

I’m 29 years old and I’ve been with my partner for 10 years. We were due to get married in September but due to Covid we rescheduled to January 2021. We are also building a brand new home in a different suburb which is due to be finished in two weeks time, and as a result we have been living with his nan. Two days ago I found out that he has been cheating on me. I received a message that he had been cheating on me with someone last year for about 8 months. I went into his phone and also found text messages of numerous other people he’d been seeing, physically and emotionally. When I asked him about it, he denied it until I showed him the proof on his phone. I feel so betrayed and ashamed and overwhelmed with the impossible decision of whether to stay or leave. If I leave I’ll have to cancel a wedding, never be able to live in our dream home in a dream suburb and that this will be on display to everyone that was suppose to be coming to the wedding. Or do I stay and try and work through it and see how things go. I just can’t believe it happened it just doesn’t seem like him, it’s like it’s a dream. I believe everything he says but how can I now when I know there’s been so much deceit. He is seeing a counselor for the past 2 months and in that time he has cheated. He said that now that I know he feels relief as he can truly let me know how mentally not well he’s been. He appears remorseful and says he adores me and wants to do everything he can to make it work. I don’t know what I want. I do love and care for him but is it all to much. I fear that if I leave then it’ll be worse than what I’ve got. Some days I feel like I don’t care, some days I feel like I deserve better, some days it’s just all too much. Any advice on what to do and how I make this impossible decision please!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

You appear to be panicking. There's no need. Take your time on this important decision.

And it's your decision based on your own values. But here is an option. Move into your home but in separate bedrooms. Delay the wedding. That's one option I would consider. Butvthibking further about it, I'd break it off and dissolve everything financially.

You deserve better.

TonyWK

[Guest_1643]

Hi BTR - i agree with Tony that you deserve better.
I also respect of course that he's getting mental health support - but cheating isn't a mental health condition. That would allow him to excuse it and avoid responsibility. Many people with mental health struggles stay faithful.
I can understand its very overwhelming to think about cancelling the wedding and explaining the situation to others as to why you are cancelling -

I would terrified of that too. The only consolation I can offer is that I think in reality it would not be as dramatic as one would fear - people tend to understand, forget and move on.

[quirkywords]

BTR

I feel sorry for your predicament.
In the end it is your decision and you must decide if you can trust him.

I find these sentences revealing.

“He is seeing a counselor for the past 2 months and in that time he has cheated. He said that now that I know he feels relief as he can truly let me know how mentally not well he’s been. He appears remorseful and says he adores me and wants to do everything he can to make it work.”

I find the words he is seeing a counsellor and in that ime he has cheated.

Is he saying that he has been mentally unwell and that explains his cheating. ?

Would you consider couples counselling together.
I think you worry that you have a dream future waiting for you but if you worry that he is still cheating and you want to check up on him it won’t be a dream life.

[Guest_1643]

it seems that the cheating went on for a while even through therapy - it's hard to break such a pattern. I would be careful committing to such a persn - take your time to pull away from him if you can - to protect yourself. Being cheated on is very rough for self-esteem and it wuld be good if you could build yourself up and be around those who affirm that you are worthy - not make you doubt it. Stay strong, you deserve it!

[ecomama]

Dear BTR

I can see you're very confused, this is a sign of abuse and cheating is sexual abuse.

I'm concerned you think you'll have a dream life also.
This is a nightmare.

You found out there wasn't just ONE person, which is concern enough, but he has multiple other affair partners on the go AND seeing a Counsellor.
Clearly he's not motivated to change anything.
Why would he?

I think he's saying everything you want to hear, just so he can keep his safe home base cooking along nicely for the pretence of being a "good married man with a nice house" and extra income from you.

I think serial cheats DO have Mental issues but that doesn't mean they can ever change nor that it's YOUR problem at all.

I'd cut and run while you're ahead, no children, not married is "ahead" in my books.

Visit chumplady.com - I hope you gain some clarity there.

You can also Google topics like serial cheating partner etc.
Many of these sites point to Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I know this is a VERY difficult time but I also know it could be alot worse further down the track.

Best wishes
EM

[Juliet_84]

Hi BTR,

I’m so sorry that this has happened to you, I can imagine what a difficult situation you are in at the moment. There’s a lot going on at the moment and it can be overwhelming. What I will say is, you don’t have to decide anything now. Sometimes it takes a little bit of time to figure out how you are feeling and to process your emotions, and that’s ok. Take the time that you need and listen to your body, it will tell you in the end whether this is something you can get over and go through with or not. Try not to be too hard on yourself about making a decision instantaneously. Do you have any close friends or people you can talk to about this. It might also be worthwhile getting a psychologist to talk through your side of things with