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We want different things...

Community Member

Hey everyone, I’ve been with my partner for 10Yrs, we have no children together but have raised 5 between us and our ex’s. Our kids are all pretty well grown up now and have already or are starting to move out of home and for some reason I’m feeling a lot less secure in our relationship as a couple lately.

My biggest issue is that he is still married to his ex and insists its a nightmare to get a divorce in Australia (both Aus citizens) as they were married in Vegas. I’ve done some research and it’s no different to getting a normal divorce but he avoids talking about it and ultimately he just won’t do it for some reason even tho he knows it’s important to me.

He still has a good relationship with his
ex and they co parent very successfully which I have always supported. I don’t know if I’m just being stupid by wanting them to be divorced or if I’m more stupid staying with a guy who is someone else’s husband and essentially will never be mine..? In saying that there are other ongoing underlying problems... for example I have never met any of his family and do not spend any special occasions with them. His grandfather recently passed away and I couldn’t even be there for him because i don’t know any of them and I’m pretty sure they hate me tbh but his ex was there to support him and their kids.

Also, we have lived together all of these years In a de facto relationship but we don’t discuss our finances (which have always been seperate) or long term goals etc. I know for a fact that his superannuation and life insurance policy has his ex as the beneficiary which I’m not sure whether to be worried about or not. If something was to happen to him his kids would be my first priority so it’s not about me getting his assets, it’s more like I don’t feel like we are truely connected or something..?

I’m reading what I’m writing and can’t even believe I put up with it..., but to be honest it hasn’t worried me in the past, it’s just as I get older it bothers me a lot more than it used to 😞

2 Replies 2

Community Champion
Community Champion
Dear Perry44

Welcome here. I saw your reply to ‘Appealing’ and guess the thing to ask is what you want?

A true partnership is based upon each person putting the other first, wanting to ease them though life’s hardships, and look after them, love them and be there for them always, and always first.

If I understand you correctly you have become the companion of someone who is married to someone else (no, he does not have an ‘ex’). You have had a common cause in looking after his and your children for 10 years and are now feeling less secure with that common cause finishing. He refuses for no legal reason to get a divorce.

I don’t think that you are in the least unreasonable. I hate to be blunt but it would seem to me you are locked out from his life in too many ways. There is no reason not to divorce if he is amicable with his wife, in fact he should want to do this to look after your well-being and affirm his love for you

You have not had the inclusion in his family life, his parents for example, and he plans to leave his super and life assurance to his wife. As a defacto-wife you might have some comeback, however it should never have to happen.

While it may be very reasonable to give a substantial portion of his assets to his wife and children, it is just as reasonable to give a portion to you too - and to have included you in his family during those 10 years.

Although I’m talking about assets I’m using them to point out what you already know, he does not seem to hold you of sufficient importance or deeply enough in his affections to consider you.

I don’t blame you in the least for feeling increasingly bothered and insecure.

Perhaps he does love you ad has hang-ups, if that is the case the couples concealing with Relationships Australia - 1300 364 277 or similar might be helpful

Perhaps you just want to hang on and hope, peace now, a risk later. While you were both bringing up the kids you were doing and thinking alongside. Now there needs to be other things, including affection for the partnership to continue in a full manner.

May I ask how you get on with his kids now?

I’m sorry I have not painted that sympathetic a picture of your partner.

I hope you continue to come back here and talk some more


Community Member

Hi perry44.

After reading your post, I cannot even begin to imagine how much confusion and pain that you must be silently suffering from. You are here because of the way your partner treats you and I want you to know that you are not alone. This is about him, not you.

There are two types of relationships:

  • Nurturing relationships - are relationships that lift you up, they make sacrifices, they motivate you and bring out the best in you, they inspire you to be the best version of yourself.
  • Toxic relationships - are relationships that bring you down, they worry about your flaws more than your positive side, they are energy grater, they make your life negative, they are take advantage of you and surpass your happiness. Toxic people are bad for your health and they are not good for you.

You need to ask yourself, do deserve this kind of respect or do you deserve to number one priority. People who love you will put you before their own needs, they will make you want to be the best, they want to spend every moment with you and they care and support you.

I want you to know that no matter what you do, please focus on your life. This is the type of relationship where you may need to pull back just enough for him to click - he needs to see a change in you and he needs to see how much he is hurting you but he has to accept that on his own. If he cannot nurture you (I am not saying that he isn't), there's a big issue that he is dealing with and he should seek professional advise. For you, know that you deserve to be happy. As your partner he needs to stop fluffing around, to stop playing games and to look after his Woman and give you what you deserve...….happiness.

Wishing you the best, please let know how you're doing.