Used to be the life of the party
I was a total nerd in high school; never had a boyfriend or any love interest. Went to uni and worked out I was actually quite attractive and could get any guy I wanted, and treated them like garbage. I had loads of friends and partied a lot. A few years later I met a nice man and had kids. I could have stayed at home to raise them, but decided to go back to work because I was bored out of my brain and I had no common interests with the other mums at playgroups etc... I have a couple of close friends but have trouble making new friends. Everyone is just so engrossed in their own lives that no one wants to do anything - they are all too busy. I work in a large organisation. Every time there is a social event - like a breakfast or a lunch - I go missing. I just cannot handle being around so many people and I hate the focus of being provided breakfast etc.... There was a recent staff Xmas party and I lied about not being able to attend. No one invites me to anything. I am really a nice person who would do anything for someone. I have been doing random acts of kindness to people. I help people all the time but no one wants to socialise with me out of work. Everything I do is with my husband and kids. I would love to go out occasionally with a friend but it never eventuates. I think I prefer just to stay at home - its easier.
First of all, thank you for sharing your story. 😊
It certainly sounds tough what you’re going through right now. I can’t imagine how frustrating and lonely you may feel - especially if you’re dependent on your husband and children (which is great you have, by the way. I hope they’re a solid support for you).
If I can offer any advice, my advice would be to maybe take up a hobby?
You said in your thread that you don’t connect with the other mothers in your children’s playgroup? It may be a good idea to explore what you like to do in your free time. For example, art, photography, writing, reading, yoga?
Anything at all.
Join in a social group with people with similar interest to you. Not only will this allow you to have a beak from “reality”, but you’ll allow time for yourself. You may also rebuild the confidence you once had and build healthy relationships?
It’s an idea you may want to explore.
I hope this helped. Even the tiniest bit because you deserve happiness.
Thanks for your reply. I go to a gym and go to a public speaking group. On the outside people see me as normal. But I just don’t do anything that young people do because no one asks me. I’m now 40 and my kids are teenagers. If I want to do something I just do it on my own or take one of my kids or just don’t do it. Even though I’m around people all the time I’m just lonely and no one has the same interests as me - the only person I really talk to about my problems is my dog. My husband isn’t always around as he spends a lot of time caring for his elderly parents at a nursing home - he has his own set of problems.
I guess this is life, but it would be nice to find someone my own age with similar interest who wasn’t ‘always busy’ with their own life.
That’s great that you go to the gym and have joined a public speaking group! Though it sounds as though sometimes this isn’t enough for you which is totally understandable given your circumstances.
I related to you and when you said you you felt alone, even though you are around people all of the time - I feel exactly the same way and I, too, cannot rely on my partner for different reasons.
It does become overwhelming. So I can understand how overwhelming it would be for you too.
I think we have to be patient and wait for that person to come along whom we will connect to on an emotional level. I hope you find that person soon because you don’t deserve to be unhappy. No one does.
You’re right. It is life but that doesn’t mean you have to continue to be unhappy and lonely. As I said, you deserve happiness more than the next person.
I feel the same way. I am 28 and a couple of years ago cut off all my close friends. I have always had social anxiety and anxiety about friends. I have always found it difficult to make new friends. I can talk to people at work and out and about but I don't do anything socially. I stay home with my mum and cats. I'm an only child, which doesn't help socially. A few days ago my old cat had to be put down, I had him for over half my life, and like you said with your dog, he has been my companion. 6 months ago I broke up with my long-term boyfriend who became a best friend during our time together. I feel like my world is getting smaller and more isolated. As I said I can be social but it's making the leap from acquaintance to friend that I find extremely difficult and anxiety inducing. I just don't know how to do it without being scared of being rejected 😞 I hope that by sharing my feelings with you that it might help a little bit, knowing I'm not alone helps me a little. Good luck
You sound similar to me. I have heaps of acquaintances at work but none that take that next step. It’s like they have their already established friends and can’t fit any more in. I’m not into technology and social media and don’t connect via that method. Perhaps that’s where I’m going wrong??? I don’t care anymore. At least I can do what I want when I want. Sorry to hear about your cat. It’s heartbreaking when something like that happens - they can mean more than people. Thanks for your reply 🤩
It sounds like you’re a little confused. On the onr hand, you said you felt you had nothing in common with the other Mums and also disappear or avoid work social gatherings but then you say you’d like to connect with people?
I think perhaps you’re sending mixed signals to people and they don’t invite you because you don’t interact socially.
I feel there’s more to this than your post implies and if you’re anything like me, it could be more about trust and anxiety issues when it comes to other people and forming close bonds with people. I make friends very easily but unfortunately I lose them just as fast. I’ve found that people cling to me initially and the closer and more comfortable they get, the more they begin to say or do hurtful things that I just can’t forget after the 3rd or so time. This has led me to start avoiding people deliberately and putting a wall up to protect myself. Sadly it’s a vicious cycle as it has also led to loneliness and isolation for me. It doesn’t help that my marriage is all but over too 😞
I’m around your age and I’d love to meet genuine like-minded people. I’m very social and love going out at night but like you say, the majority are just living their own lives with their families or already have their “social circle” so it’s very difficult to crack that.
I hope I’ve made sense... I also hope things improve for you.
Hi Scaredy and Britchy,
I'm new here and am eventually posting where I feel moved to, this is one of them.
Scaredy I feel you're like me, you want to meet new people and feel a connection but that can be hard to achieve as one gets older, has children or phases in life take over. I'm a little older than you with younger children. I have drifted and pulled away from many people since kids for various reasons but admittedly they are probably anxiety related. I feel I don't have anyone I can just call for any reason and trust in them to be there for me. I avoid a lot social situations and feel like I don't fit in anymore most of the time. I don't like and avoid social media too.
Britchy, some of your points make lot of sense like sending mixed signals and avoiding social situations but also wanting them. I want social situations, but not generally in the evening, I'm too tired by then haha. Very insightful of you.
Maybe after a while one needs something in particular from people but that can be hard to get. It is a confusing, lonely and distressing situation. So it seems like an idea to just give up.
I don't have any solutions but just wanted to say I get it. Happy to chat about it more.