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Stuck with inlaws, feeling alone, wife choosing the comfy family nest over a building a new family.

Community Member

Hi and thanks in advance for reading,first timer on this forum.

In short I feel alone and stuck in a place I dont want to be, im struggling.
Both sides are of a european background,I was brought up by my mother after my dad left and she grew up with her parents as they migrated over.
We have been together for 15 years now,got married a few years back and, got a house and put it up for rent moving in with her parents to get ahead. By all means not a desperate move,but a choice.
We all thought we could make it work. My wife and her mother made the decision over the financials, I didnt get an invite which does not sit well with me from the beginning,considering the original arrangement was we are moving in, we pay the difference ontop of the bills they usually get. They have a VERY conservative way of living to say the least and very good with saving, id call it an obsession.
Anyways, they have schooled us etc how to get ahead and we have found our own balance that is suited to a realistic way of living,not in a tacky cave. But I do respect what they have and what they have done.
They went over sea's(back home) last year chasing the sun and came back this year, as they did the year before that. This time around, retired. In that time the arrangement suddenly changed to us paying for every bill even when they are here.That is literally everything including council rates.Originally was told they will buy food, now its magically changed to only dinner and "we should be happy because we are still saving". In short my wife and I are paying for everything while per parents are living a well calculated retiree dream. I dont feel a single bit of gratitude for my contibution. While they buy the cheapest food and make zero effort in the kitchen I enjoy cooking and the kitchen and still buy food they would never pay for and cook when I get time without a second through. I dont feel a single bit of gratitude. I dont want praise but why do I bother to please? I look after the garden, when they are away I take care of their house, mow the lawn, go work etc. Old man in law does nothing but watch TV. Wife is very happy living with her parents and is unapproachable in regards to me coming to her with anything that weighs me down, expects me to change for her yet wont make any changes for me, deflects everything turns it around blaming me for anything I bring up. Moving out to save us is not an option for her because money is more important than happiness.

Im stuck....... 😞

2 Replies 2

Community Member

There is so much more I couldnt fit into that post due to character limits but it feels like I am in a situation where I am in a relationship with an irresponsible little girl loving loving with her parents and i am just a boyfriend living with them.She is choosing to not be a responsible wife and now mother. I feel like ihave been tossed to the side, her mother has very indirect influence even though she swears she wants to keep out of our relationship from the very start so she is not blamed for anyting. Someone that swears somethig like that from the start clearly knows what she is like and no matter what sticks in her opinions knowing her daughter has no set boundaries and will not set any.

We put up Christmas lights on the front shrubs. Her dad takes them down after the season ripping them araprt instead of treating our belongings with respect. Takes what I use in the gareden as a char/bench and cuts it up to use for a project he was working on. There is zero mutual respect. I treat their home as if it was my own and put my heart in it, especially when they are away. I feel completely cornered and my wife refuses marriage councelling and refuses to accept that it is tearing us apart to stay there. She cannot let go of her comfy place with her parents and neglecting her husband.
Apparently I have no place to feel hurt or even talk about that fact I feel hurt as I am apparently over reactive. I have just had it way past my limits for a long time and i am struggling with nervous tension now days. I want to just leave my life and go to where no one knows me and start over in another part of the world. Its not right to feel the way I do, but now recently I have a child with her and she refuses to leave the nest.
We are financially capable, all I get is excuses and deflections. I have no one to talk to, I dont want to appraoch my mother as she wont make it any better(over caring type, I cant deal with it).
I am getting more an dmore depressed from this, feeling alone and disconnected and constant nervous tension and hurt.
Clearly i am only scratching the surface here but the dynamic in the house lack warmth and its an everyone is out for themselves feeling not matter how much the oppsite is being preached to me. Words vs actions differ too much 😞
Even had it proposed that her parents will build a new home with separate dwellings so they can be close by.

Feeling so trapped and no where to go.

Hi RandomBloke

You express your frustration clearly and in doing so my heart really does go out to you. You are in an extremely tough situation where you're unable to fully express your self in a variety of ways, including setting up your own home (a unique and exciting form of self-expression).

Wondering if there are any mates you can speak to who understand or have experienced the family dynamics regarding the European background. If so, investigating how to deal with these dynamics may offer a bit of strategy when it comes to dealing with your in-laws as well as your wife.

Also wondering if you and your wife set a date as to when you were going to begin living in your own place. Was it ever discussed? Also, is it possible that the next time your tenants are due for an inspection, you and your wife go in. This way, you can take your wife through and begin planting a few seeds in her head. Eg: 'Picture our child in this room with prints on the wall over here and a little desk over there' and 'Can you imagine teaching our child/children to cook in this kitchen or can you see them playing on the swing set out the back, near where they've painted a mural on the fence?' Imagination can be a pretty powerful thing in the way of manipulating someone's mind. As far as this scenario works, I imagine you know your wife pretty well and what would appeal to her imagination, in making that house hers/yours. Being a mum, I always insist my kids see the house/home as theirs. Perhaps you can express this desire for your own child, a gift for them (which they currently can't experience whilst living in someone else's house).

Another idea may be to tell your wife that you'll be spending some time at your rental doing some renovations, once the lease is up for your current tenants. Make it your home, set it up for your child and wife and become excited about it. Get in on the budget and reassess it so as to create reno money.

At the end of the day, it sounds like your current environment is toxic to both your relationship with your wife as well as the relationship you have with your self. How we identify with our environment (including the people in it) does impact our identity in a variety of ways. Sometimes others can be so hell bent on changing us to suit their needs that we reach a point when we begin to barely recognise our self.

Again, I really do feel for you so much RB. I can see a positive future for you but not whilst your living where you are.

Take care