Sexual Health and the Idea of Never Having a Partner

[Azzdog]

Hi everyone, I'm not sure how to put this but hopefully it will make sense.

I am a 24 year old male who currently is in therapy and sees a psychologist regularly. I have OCD, anxiety, depression, and autism, and when you put those all together, it becomes understandable why socialising is a major problem for me. One major cause of my current situation is the fact that I have never hd a girlfriend or had sex. Because we live in the digital age, it is almost impossible to avoid the fact that a lot of people are in relationships and that modern society is obsessed with the concept of sex. You would almost have to live on a deserted island in order to completely avoid all the triggers associated with it.

My cause of concern is that I have no one that I can relate to on this and that I feel like I struggle to articulate how bad it is for my mental health. My psychologist says that I am well in the normal distribution for young men but that doesn't really make me feel any better. Because I am shy, introverted, and have a lot of hobbies and interests that are not in line with contemporary society, I genuinely feel like I will never have a girlfriend, never have sex, and die alone. This fact alone has meant in the past 6 months, I have had 5 separate stints in a psychiatric ward due to concerns of my own safety. I was wondering if there are any other young men out there who feel the same way and are currently in the same boat, and if there are any young mens health groups around? I feel the latter would be important for me and reassure me that I am not the only one who feels this way.

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

A couple of things have happened that could account for a change in my beliefs. First of all the date itself. Like I said, I don’t want to make too much of it in case it goes south, but it was a positive experience. Like we didn’t really talk so much about our interests but we just chatted generally. That’s definitely something I could do in high school.

Secondly, I got a match from a woman I used to go to school with on Tinder. She was a year above me and she was someone I found intimidating at school. But I also had a massive crush on her and I always felt she was out of my league. However, we matched on Tinder. I don’t know if she remembers me at all, I wasn’t a noteworthy person at high school haha, but it does challenge preconceived ideas I had about myself. We haven’t had a conversation yet but it was a bit of a shock to see us match up. Definitely not something I would have ever thought would have happened all those years ago.

To Why don’t we use our real names?, hey man I’m sorry you feel that way. It’s not my intention to be difficult or to contradict you intentionally. It’s just I’ve had so many bad experiences with women, and people in general, that I’m quite cynical and bitter about people who have good experiences on this issue. I may not have a lot of time at the moment but I will read that book by Burns you suggested. I have done CBT with my psych before so I know what’s involved.

I would still like to work together, if you’re willing. I guess it may seem like I brushed you off but that is not my intention. I would like you to elaborate further on your experiences, if that’s okay? I understand you may be frustrated and I apologise that I caused that. No pressure by the way. 😊

Aaron

[james1]

Hi Aaron,

Nice to hear about the date going well. Sounds like you clicked.

Will you be having a second date with this person?

James

[Azzdog]

Hey James,

Yeah I plan to message her either today and tomorrow. We will work something out soon hopefully. 😂

Aaron

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

I think that the difference between high school and now, at least from my experience, is that in school years you hang out with people in the same year. After high school age does not present much of a barrier. So you can be a year or three apart and have similar interests.

I want to go back to my question on the challenge if that is ok. One thing I have learnt is that we might think we are useless at something but others see us in a positive light. Or how we might think the other person interpreted what we can be different to reality. Or the other person has their own issues to deal with and misinterpret something we say, and not intentionally.

So I hope that your date has opened you up to a world of possibilities.

I hope you also have a good weekend ahead.

Tim

[Azzdog]

That emoji at the end of my last message should be a smiley face.

Hey Tim,

A lot of people look up to me apparently. That is the feedback I get from Orygen. I don't often see it and I find it hard to believe as well. But I think I am coming around to it actually. That I can be a leader which is not something I ever thought was possible.

I agree with that, sometimes others project their problems onto others which makes things worse.

Thank you, I hope your weekend goes well for you too.

Aaron

[smallwolf]

Something you mentioned in your last post struck me, and if I dont respond now I will forget about it. You said that

"A lot of people look up to me apparently. That is the feedback I get from Orygen. I don't often see it and I find it hard to believe as well."

One thing that I had/have trouble with is accepting praise or compliments. The reason why is not important. But rather than shrug it off, accept it and celebrate it (not necessarily overtly). Another something is when I complete something I need to celebrate it (not necessarily overtly). These are just way of changing negative thoughts into positive.

So maybe what you could do, when you see/hear something that shows that someone is looking up to you, or that you can be a leader, write it down. Read it later. Remember what you are or can be. And you said it in your post above... that you can be a leader.

If/when people project their problems it can be done on an unconscious level as well. And this is why I have to write my journal each day, so that regardless of how bad things might have gone, there was/is enough good in each day to continue.

Tim

[smallwolf]

Azzdog,

Know it is the weekend, but just checking in to see how you are going?

Tim

[Azzdog]

Hey Tim,

The weekend hasn't been too bad for me. I have managed to productive and keep myself moving forward. I also discovered a new band that I hadn't listened to much before which was cool. It is always nice discovering a new band that you can identify with. It is an amazing journey to go on as well.

I like the idea of celebrating something you have completed. I tend to do that actually, whether its chocolate or something similar haha. I think I should write it down, which I have now, because I definitely think I can be a leader. The key is to remember that when times are tough.

This weekend has been okay. I have tried to keep busy, whether its study or hanging out with a friend which is what I did today. I am also going to the board games group tomorrow as well.

Thanks for checking in Tim, I really appreciate that.

Aaron

[smallwolf]

This might be one week/weekend to remember? And the next thing to consider is how has this weekend compared to previous weekends? Better? Worse? No Different?

Let me tell you a little story from my last session with my psych.... Now I have an issue with certain emails at work. I was the go to person for all problems. And some expected me to find a solution to whatever problem they sent me. Of course that didnt always work. You would also know that email clients typically show you the first line in message (or first N words!)... So I got an email during the week and when I saw where it was from, and those first words, I thought the worst. But then I read the email and it was very complimentary. Emotional reasoning and future telling made me think the worst. My psych told me to keep that email always in view to remind myself of the above.

If you have a place where you can put things really important, put it there. I have a notepad type program on my phone where keep such information. And nobody really know what it is for. And I only use that app for these sorts of things to have on hand.

Have fun with the board games tomorrow. Think you weather is better than mine up here in Qld. But the farmers and those in the west, really need this rain. Not sure how much they are actually getting.

Tim

[james1]

Hello Aaron,

I'm glad to hear you had a good weekend. It is probably a good thing to just take stock of what has just. You had a pretty low opinion about your chances of having a relationship, then a single positive event happened which is causing that strong opinion to change a bit. Can you use this to help you challenge any other mindsets to be more open to possibilities without your own personal evidence?

For example, "I am repulsive" or "I am boring". We don't think you are. Clearly this girl on the date doesn't think you are. The people at Ogryn don't think you are. Can you use this to challenge the mindset?

Unfortunately mindsets are often self-fulfilling which makes them so difficult to deal with, and so we get down on ourselves when bad events happen. But it also means that by challenging our negative mindsets about ourselves and others, we give ourselves the best chance to actually have some more positive experiences.

I think you've been doing a good job by continuing to talk to us and trying to find out what to do differently. I feel like this date is probably a culmination of the effort you've been putting in, and also a bit of luck swinging your way again. Keep it up, and don't forget that sometimes it really can just take one little thing to swing things around even just a little bit. It's never doom and gloom forever, even if most of our experiences to date point that way.

James