Scared to ruin what I have

[Guest_294]

Hi all,

its been a while since I last posted. I’m in a bit of a rush so this will be a quick one. I am currently in the early days of a beautiful new relationship. Everything just feels perfect. We’ve been together now for a month and a half. He is amazing and everything is just cloud nine right now. The only problem is this: in a few weeks, I will be on a plane to America for 3 weeks. 2 weeks after I get back, he is on a plane to Cambodia for a month. I am so scared to lose this. I haven’t been this happy in ages and everything just feels right when I’m with him. What do I do?? I don’t want us to go away for two months, and him get bored or something. my biggest fear is that he will become bored since I told him I want to wait before having sex with him. I want to be more deeply connected to someone before I open myself up like that you know? All advice is appreciated as always

Thanks,

A

[Guest_294]

Hi again,

So I really just need to get this down and have someone hear it without thinking im crazy...I dont imagine there is much advice to give. I think i might be falling for my friend (a different friend from the one in the situation above - maybe a contributing factor to my saying no). I feel like this has been a quick turnaround given I only broke up with my boyfriend in January but I can't help how I feel I suppose. Here's the issue. This guy is amazing. He was a rock through the issue discussed above and I confided in him at every point. He is my confidant, my best friend, the first person I talk to with a triumph or a disaster. We are very touchy and cuddly friends. Most nights are spent watching a movie cuddling or touching in some very non-sexual way - like grabbing each others hands at an intense scene. I love spending time with him - we can talk for hours. We sit at 3 in the morning talking about anything and everything. But we are still just friends. It's crazy, everyone already thinks were together including his and my family who have both questioned our friendship, and though we both deny it fervently, I've found myself questioning more and more. We had a conversation recently, talking about the fact that our friendship (cuddling, movies every night, touchy feely) will not hold up if one of us is in a relationship and the suggestion came up to distance ourselves now so it isnt forced later. Even thinking about this made me cry. I can't imagine not having him in my life in this way. Now none of this seems like an issue yet, until you consider the fact that I am not physically attracted to him at all. I love cuddling with him and talking with him and spending hours in the day with him but i cannot imagine kissing him or doing anything sexual. I dont know what's wrong with me?? I asked if he was into me and he said he wasn't but in the least shallow way possible, i'm not sure thats quite true. In saying that, i'm scared if i say something i will lose one of the best friends i've ever had. I've always had male best friends and i have always been a cuddly affectionate friend but never quite like this. There has always been a very well-established boundary in the friendship and i know how i feel and he knows how he feels. This is the first time for me that i've found myself really questioning a friendship. But i am scared to lose him completely...since moving out of home he has been a constant support.

Any advice is appreciated.

A

[Guest_294]

Just a quick follow up on this. It’s only getting worse 😬 I was in his room (we live in college together) and we were watching a movie and then we started talking and we were up talking for hours and then all of a sudden it was 1am and we were still talking and then we stopped talking and just lay there in comfortable silence and then he fell asleep and I suddenly found myself really wishing I didn’t have to leave. I knew I did but I just wanted to fall asleep there and not worry about the consequences. Similarly he said yesterday he was worried he made it awkward by holding my hand in front of our friends and again I just wish that wasn’t a problem. I just wish we could be cuddly and not worry or watch a movie and talk until we fall asleep in the same room and not worry. I don’t know what’s wrong with me!! I’ve been feeling really anxious too lately. I don’t know why, I just feel perpetually on edge. The other day he didn’t respond to a message for a few hours and I found myself in the same age old panic I’ve had so many times before thinking I’d said something and he hated me and then after a few hours he texted saying he’d accidentally locked his phone in his room and then had to go out without it. I feel like I’m going crazy over a crush...why

[Croix]

Dear Guest_294~

Your emotions have been all over the place for the past few months and it is very natural you want a partner and are seeking him out.

The wanting I guess comes in two ways, there is the companionship and friendship side, with physical closeness as in being there to talk wiht, hold hands and maybe cuddle. That by itself in a world where one is by oneself is a comfort. It can lead to intimacy or not, it depends.

The other side is when one reaches the stage of love, and no I can't describe that more than anyone else, however it is more than the forgoing, and means confidence the other person loves you, will not let you down and will be constant, the same sort of things you give to that person yourself.

The first can lead to the second, it depends on the people involved.

All that is complicated enough for anyone to try to work out, you have an additional hassle in that you are "perpetually on edge", and I suspect this many have been the case for quite a long time, longer than you have been posting here perhaps?

Do you think it might be worth visiting your GP in an extended appointment and say how you have been feeling, always thinking the worst is gong to happen, that you were to blame, that you have panic attacks, and all the rest. Ask to be tested for an anxiety conditon and see what happens.

I have one, though nowadays it is mostly under control, which makes my life an awful lot easier and and a better partner for my wife

What do you think?

Croix

[Guest_294]

Thank you for the response Croix,

i am sorry my posts have been so up and down - it has certainly been a crazy few months and I think whilst outwardly to my friends and family I’ve been very relaxed, inwardly it’s been all over the place.

after reading your response I came to a rather comforting realisation. I don’t think I actually like him. I think I like the idea of him. I love having someone to cuddle and be in bed with and be physically close to but beyond that I can’t imagine a relationship. I think all the things I’ve been feeling I’ve been misinterpreting. I don’t want to fall asleep in his bed, I want to have someone to fall asleep with. I’m not jealous at the idea of him being in a relationship with someone else, im jealous at the idea of him having that and me losing it. I think I’ve just been sorely misinterpreting all the things I’ve been feeling. In saying that, maybe I’m speaking too fast and by the end of tonight I’ll be back to convinced that I want to be with him. Hopefully not. I like being a little more certain.

i don’t know how long these thoughts have been happening...I’ve always described myself as a “people pleaser” and can remember since very young being upset when I felt I was failing in that. It’s been really emphasised and heightened since I came to uni and I’m not sure why...I suppose just because I have added pressures? But it’s happened on so many occasions that I’ll text a friend, they’ll see the message and not respond for hours and I end up spending the entire day feeling like my head is exploding or I’m just going to start crying at any moment. I don’t know about seeing a GP...I don’t have a gp here and I’m scared for my parents to find out. They don’t believe me when I tell them I’m feeling anxious or have had a panic attack. They say “you’re just feeling a little panicky” but mental health can’t be an issue in my family - last time I asked if I could see a psychologist they laughed. Not in a cruel way, my parents are amazing. Just in the way of don’t be ridiculous, thats not what you’re feeling. Does that make sense? Or am I making my parents out to be monsters...anyway, they’re not, they just don’t recognise that I’m struggling. Maybe I could go to headspace. There’s a centre near me and I could go talk to them. Or the university counsellors. I think I will go talk to someone though. I don’t know why I’ve been feeling so anxious recently. I need to do something about it.

thank you for the response again,

A

[Croix]

Dear A~

Well I would not be in least surprised if you are correct, and the type of relationship you really need has not been forthcoming so far, just the companionship bit. It's easy to fool oneself, partly due to really wanting the full partnership, partly from the fact they can seem almost the same for a while.

I doubt very much your parent are monsters, much more likely they have no experience of a mental health issue, and cannot imagine it. Too far outside their world. There are an awful lot of people like that, no fault of their own,they have simply been more fortunate than you or I.

Your idea of Headspace is an excellent one, as it is a one-stop shop, at least the one near me is, with GP plus psychologists or councilors. I hope yours is the same. Their experience is focused on those around your age (ie under 25).

Uni councilors are a good bet too.

Please let us know how you get on

Croix