Not coping well with breaking up with my ex, him finally realising he is gay and he is moving on after a week

[Little_Miss_Molly]

Hi everyone

I am so confused about things at the moment and have no one that I can talk to about it.

After a bipolar psychotic episode I decided that the 4 year relationship I was in was toxic and I needed to leave and work on me. I moved out a week ago today.

I have always known that my partner was bisexual and would talk to guys at times, but he never hooked up with anyone. In particular he would talk to M to F transsexuals. We were always very open about these sorts of things. But 3 days before I moved out he said he believed he was gay. This really wasn't a surprise for me as I had suspected it for a while. We had no sexualising relationship and there had been almost no affection for a long time. We still love each other, but in a different way.

I was at the house today and he started telling me about a couple of guys that he is having full on chats with. I shut the conversation down very quickly. But the last comment the made was a kick in the gut. He said "You knew that I would start talking to men straight away didn't you?"

I knew he probably would start talking to guys more, but to hear it was so full on and obviously very intense (there was a tube of lube on the coffee table) hurt so bad.

Now I'm at my place with just my cat and realised that I can't talk to anyone about it.

How am I supposed to feel? My emotions are all over the place. I'm angry that he thinks I want to hear about it (or see the evidence) even though I was okay with it when we were together. I'm angry and upset that he seems to disregard the last 4 years. I feel sad that I couldn't offer him what he needed.

But I am also feeling so lonely, displaced and confused. I wish I could call my closest friend and talk to her, but she is fairly narrow minded and can't deal with the idea. My other friends husband works with my ex and he isn't ready to tell everyone just yet. I have an appointment with my psychologist next week, but I need some advice in the meantime.

[WaterFront]

Hi Little Miss Molly,

Welcome to the forums. I am so sorry to hear you are experiencing this right now. Lots of confusing and conflicting emotions in relation to your break up. From what you have posted, it sounds like your ex is not being sensitive to your feelings or considering how his actions might be affecting you. Some people appear to be really good at compartmentalising. From my own experience, I would say 'no contact' might be worth considering, at least for a while, so that you can put some distance between your ex and how his actions are making you feel. I have been accused of 'putting my head in the sand' in relation to this and confess it is my 'go to'. Sometimes I think it is okay to do that otherwise it is too painful to deal with. Space, and time, do however help in my opinion. If you want to continue your relationship as a friendship, you could tell him how this is making you feel and possibly come to an agreement where this is a part of your relationship that doesn't get discussed until you are comfortable with it (This does make for awkward, walking on eggshells conversations though). Tricky to manoeuvre around, is likely to cause more hurt and you'll need to decide whether keeping the relationship as a friendship is worth dealing with that.

I'm sorry that you are feeling lonely, angry and confused though I can see why you would be. Try to take care of yourself and do what you need to in order to process what has happened.

WaterFront

[Banksy92]

Hey Little Miss Molly,

It sounds like you and your ex have been through a lot recently and it's understandable you're feeling down and confused about it all.

While I know It can be a really challenging time to come to terms with your sexuality, and I'm sure your ex-partner has a lot on his mind and that he wants to explore - I definitely agree with the comments in WaterFront's message, he isn't being considerate to your feelings.

If I were you I would try to set some clear boundaries with him, so you don't have to hear about who they are talking to since the break-up and can keep some distance from it all.

It's really good you've decided to take the step to reach out here and share your story, as it would be really hard keeping all this to yourself right now. How you feel matters, and your well being does as well.

Be kind to yourself.

[geoff]

Hello Little Miss Molly, can we offer you a warm welcome and want to thank you for contacting us.

This is a situation that could have gone either way as it was known that he was bi, now he's told you that he's gay, this is something he's chosen and should not be any reflection on you, as there was love, but not in the usual way a couple adore each other, as nothing happened between the two of you and just living together.

I appreciate that you would like to know why, although it was known it may have happened, and you feel the last 4 years have been lost, but not really because now you know, so trying to discuss this with your partner in this current situation is only going to leave all the questions you ask, may only be answered as he wants to, so I would not enter into this conversation, it may only leave you more confused, his decision has been made and I'm really sorry but try to have some counselling which may answer all these questions for you.

Please get back to us and do ask us any question you like.

Geoff.