My heterosexual fiancé is bisexual and has been cheating on me

[merrymagicmoon]

I just found out that my heterosexual fiancé is actually bisexual.

More importantly, I also discovered that he has been cheating on me with other men online by chatting with hordes of strangers, even before we met. He has been exchanging NSFW pictures with other men online and engaging in online sexual talk, even after we began dating. As of yesterday, he was still talking to these men

We both have LGBTQI friends that we love and care for dearly. But in the 3 years we’ve known each other, he has always asserted he’s heterosexual and we were planning to get married 20 months later.

We had a calm and tearful chat about this when I found out. He finally admitted that for his whole life, he has always felt that he’s bisexual. He also claims that he has only been physically intimate with one man before but this happened during the course of our relationship when he was away on vacation. We were arguing and he hired a male escort. He claimed that he didn’t enjoy the sexual experience at all.

He has been sorrowful, kept apologising and insists that his love for me is genuine. He says he doesn’t expect me to forgive him but he really wishes I could still give him a chance.

He also acknowledges that he didn’t realise this before but he now realises that his attitude has been selfish and his actions hurtful. He also feels that he has been addicted to the online interactions because of the thrill it brings, and he didn’t realise that it was cheating on me. He has agreed with me that he needs to speak to a therapist about his issues.

At this stage, I feel so lost. I don’t know whether to call off our engagement. I’m still in disbelief because we have a happy and strong relationship, and he is a sweet and wonderful person.

To further exacerbate the problem, I’ve also moved away from my home country and settled down in Australia where he is from.

I don’t know if I can still trust him after all this deceit even though he kept saying over and over that he truly loves me and wants to spend his life with me. He was intending to keep up this charade even after we marry.

As this is all still so raw, I’m feeling lost.

[ecomama]

Dear merrymagicmoon

I am SO sorry you've gone through this and are still going through this. I really am. I was rereading your post to see if you were a close family member because this is almost EXACTLY what has been exposed in their relationship this very week too. Though the same sex interactions went a lot further and there are children involved.

You can call the Beyond Blue Helpline - it's free and you may be able to talk through some of your feelings and thoughts. I can only imagine how confused you must be feeling. Maybe a whole range of emotions at the same time. I'm so sorry.

Please keep posting here ANY time you want to. Big hugs.

Just a few questions...

If you knew your fiancé had cheated with the same woman before and after you met, and his feelings were unchanged towards this woman ie he was going to keep seeing her, what would you do?

IMHO this is virtually the same thing.

It's certainly ONE thing to be unsure about your sexuality. But to be frank, it's a TOTALLY other thing to deliberately HIDE it and carry on behind someone's back, that you are ENGAGED to.

This is lying and deep betrayal.

The very sad thing about all of this, because he has hurt you so deeply, is that your fiancé simply put WILL NOT CHANGE.

This isn't "love". Lying to someone is not a loving act. Deceiving them so that they move from their home country to be with you is spineless, careless and extremely cruel. These acts are part of a Domestic Violence scenario - sexual abuse. Psychological abuse. Etc..

I would cut things now. Go home when you can. Get as far away from this person as absolutely possible.

I know this is probably not want you want to hear at all.... that you want just one person to say "he'll change".

But he won't and IMHO he shouldn't deny his own sexuality at all. But he should never have lied, cheated and betrayed you.

He should never have dragged you over here with false promises of who he was.

SO if you do stay with him, ask yourself what the future looks like...…. this. Worse. Once children are involved I have no idea how you could cope with continuous infidelity or an "open" relationship.

I would never do this to myself or my children because I would have to have constant STD checks because of someone else's misinterpretation of marriage vows, or careless disregard of them because they are self - centered.

This was an extremely selfish act of his. Worse because you've relocated and it's inexcusable.

Love to you

EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey there

I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I really do. It sounds so confusing and startling to know what to do.

While I can have compassion for your partner's struggle, i would say, a lie is a lie.
He lied, a lot, for a long time.

I hope you can find some boundaries now that put you first, because whatever he's going through, you are sure going through tonnes yourself, and need support right now.
How have you been feeling today?

sending you care and support

[Betternow]

It is helpful in these situations to dismiss the bi sexuality fact from your problem

If he was having online sexual chats with women and confessed to a one night stand with a woman while he was on holidays and engaged to you, how would you feel? He also tells you his only being physically intimate with a man once, a male prostitute. That “ only once defense” seems highly improbable.

Its not his bisexuality that is necessarily the problem, it’s his trustworthiness. The level of his deceit is tantamount to emotional abuse. I can almost guarantee you, his behaviour will not change.

It’s not often in these forums that I am confident enough to recommend a strong course of action, but in your case I advise you cancel your engagement and end your relationship immediately.

While it may be painful and inconvenient it is far better to sort it out now than in three years time as a married couple..

[merrymagicmoon]

Thank you for your support, EM. It means a lot.

Indeed, the issue is not about his sexuality at all because from the outset, he already knew that I’ve always been open and accepting of LGBTQIs, having close friends who are bi/gay.

The issue is about the lies, secret life and betrayal. Absolutely no one would have guessed that he would have done what he did because he has a squeaky clean public image.

I just wonder...

What if he has immediately made an appointment to speak to a therapist to address his infidelity issues? He says he’s determined to change his pattern of behaviour.

What are some ways he can make amendments? He’s asking me what can he do to make amendments but I don’t know either. All I can think of at the moment is for him to see a therapist soonest and to promise that he will be open and honest from now on - no more lies or secrets.

And how can he demonstrate that he’s sincere in finding solutions?

[merrymagicmoon]

Thank you for your comforting words.

I feel really tired. I’m trying to cope with the stresses and busyness of my job while staying strong about these issues at home.

We both agreed that he needs to speak to a therapist about 3 issues: his pattern of behaviour in terms of infidelity (because he had an emotional affair 2 years ago with a friend), his addiction issues and his sexuality. He has booked in an appointment with a therapist to talk about his issues within the week.

I feel like this whole time, I have been a huge source of support for him, unpacking his issues and identifying what he needs to do: speak to a therapist, occupy himself with healthy hobbies that he enjoy, having more set routines and scheduled leisure activities during his free time and just having more aim/drive at his work so that he doesn’t revert to his unhealthy addiction due to boredom).

But I’m also reeling from the hurt and I also need to be supported. What makes it even harder is that I’m in a demanding, helping profession that has been unrelenting during this pandemic. I’m so exhausted.

While he has taken concrete steps to prove that he wants to change, by taking proactive steps, such as booking an appointment to see a therapist within the week, it’s all for him only. I ask him “We are taking all these steps to help you. What are we doing for me then?”

[ecomama]

Dear merrymagicmoon

I am so sorry.
I mean every word with the deepest of empathy, love and experience.... I really do. I am trying to help you see ….

HE CANNOT CHANGE.

He's going to suck the life out of you. Drain you with me, me, me, ….. pretend for a minute to care about you then..... me me ME ME. It's already happening now. You are exhausted and rightly so!

He is NOT a baby. You are not his "plaything" that moved to another country to spend any spare time 'entertaining' him, whilst you are reeling from THE most devastating news up to this point AND working - is he kidding himself? REALLY...

You can Google specific stuff, this landed me in an AWESOME forum that had me study links toboot. Then I COINED it.

I'll tell you what you could do but this is a horrible way to live and called the "pick me dance".... tell him about it. There are ALL sorts of spyware he could download - yuck. Key loggers - awful!

And then he gets a "burner phone". One you know nothing about.

Wash rinse repeat. Don't bother, it just prolongs the inevitable.

What you had when you found out is called a D Day or Discovery Day.

You DISCOVERED who he really was. A cheat. A liar. And he has already shown he has "overblown entitlement" issues. He expected YOU to move countries, whilst lying to you. This is called "future faking". All cheaters do these things in italics.

I bet he's using your money now too. I'd bet my house on it.

You didn't sign up for a 24/7 Nanny service marriage. He is NOT your responsibility but you most definitely are your responsibility.

Both you and he need a full screen STD check. Him first.

There are also lie detector groups.... I phoned one.... then got quite the "car park confession".... disgustingly it was about 3% as it turned out...

Leopards can't change their spots but you can change your choices right now.

I hope you've phoned home and told your closest friends at least? Your fiancé would be using every strategy known to type, to talk you out of that. He's "smoke screening"
My suggestions: ducks in a row...
* get a sole bank account
* do the 180
* look after you.
* when you do, you'll end it.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

Hey MM,

this is a very hard situation. I don't think I can offer more help as it's a very painful topic.
I do think your self-care comes beore his and it's not appropriate for him to put on you to advise him what to do next. To me that looks like the easy way out for him.
In this situation, you don't owe him support and care, but you really need all the support and space from him that you can get. So maybe make some walls that he can't cross, like he can't get more advice from you about the therapy or whatever - but again of course it' your choice and i hope you feel okay

[BOC64]

Hi MM

I am also sorry to hear what you are going through.

I am in agreement that the best thing is to walk away now before things progress any further.

He will never change his behavior of infidelity and lying to you. This pattern of seeking solace in sex with another person outside the relationship regardless of their sex is one I have seen before.

I believe he needs to work through his sexuality and what is behind his behavior.

IMHO love includes honesty and he should have opened up to you about his sexuality prior to the engagement. This would have allowed you to truly think about your life together.

JC

[merrymagicmoon]

He has begun seeing a therapist and told the therapist that he wishes to address the possibility that he has a pattern of behaviour in infidelity, as well as his addiction to online sexual activity, and his sexuality.

He said he would see the therapist as frequently as he needs to in order to resolve his issues and he has begun working on the ‘homework’ the therapist has given him, including journaling the guided reflection questions by the therapist.

Seeing his diligence, I’m inclined to think that he might be sincere and amenable. He mentioned that one of his issues is that he didn’t reflect. He said that he now realises he has been selfish and self-serving.

Is it possible for people to change?