Marriage Seperation, am I holding on for no reason?

[TSVNT01]

Hi, recently my wife of 9years has told me she didn’t want to be with me anymore. To give some context, jealousy has become an issue for me over the past 4/5 months which has caused me to get depressed and angry. We have argued and finally after one of her coworkers told me she was thinking about leaving, mentally I collapsed and became a person I have never been (paranoid and anxious). Finally after a horrible Christmas pretending everything was ok an argument brought our relationship to a head. She has told me that she doesn’t want to work it out as I won’t change, we have two kids and I’ll do anything to make sure they have a great life with a loving family. I feel like I am getting mixed signals from her, she is hot and cold, still wears her rings and calls me for little things.... am I clinging onto these things as hope or should I just forget it and move on? I have asked to take her for dinner or lunch to discuss things but keep getting told she isn’t ready? I’m trying to be patient but the clock is ticking I feel and I’m fighting the male urge not to demand an outcome... help, any advice from people who have been through this? Ask questions and I will answer truth fully as I would love to reconcile!

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

A tough one. You cant make her change her attitude towards you, only try to influence her eg flowers, love letters, invitations.

The challenge is accepting that it could be over. That is a huge task and your next decade or more will depend on if she wants to keep trying or not. She has stated "I'm not ready" to discuss the relationship. Well that isn't a good sign and to be strung along isn't fair. For that reason I'd have the view that I should begin to make plans when we part permanently and cushion to blow so to speak.

I've had 3 separations. All were the same- dreadful experiences. The process of adjusting to a new place, after losing the marriage, full time fatherhood, losing neighbours, my home, paying child support, visitations for my kids etc is harrowing...but I was better for it on each occasion as the relationships became toxic and one was full of abuse.

A few month following parting you will get back on track. So by all means try at this but a no answer from her is a poor sign of her wanting it to work.

Respect deserve answers and maturity should mean she speaks.

TonyWK

[Summer Rose]

Hi TSVNTO1

Welcome to the bb forum and thank you for sharing your story. I'm really sorry that you are experiencing depression and relationship problems.

I would like to suggest that you make an appointment to see your GP. It will be very hard to work on your relationship or move on if you are unwell. Looking after your mental health with professional support should be your priority.

With regards to your wife, you share two children and are going to be dealing with each other for life no matter the outcome, so helping her with "little things" is a nice thing to do. It opens the door to contact and conversation so it might be helpful to your goal of reconciliation.

I wouldn't push your wife on dinner/lunch. She's likely just not ready. I would, however, think about what she wants you to change and why.

Is it related to the jealousy? Of forse, the real question is, is this realistic?

Happy to talk

[geoff]

Hi TSVNT, thanks for posting your comment.

The question I'd like to ask you is about the jealousy and I also wonder who the 'co-worker' is in relation to your marriage.

Forgive me for asking but you have allowed us to and hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[SubduedBlues]

Hi TSVNT01

What I didn't do, and what I think I should have done, long before my marriage of 24 years ended, was to go back to "dating" my wife. I didn't reflect to who I was (before we wed) and compare that to who I became. I didn't try to be the wonderful parts of old me, in combination with the changed new me (which she helped make in the first few years of marriage). I didn't go back to "please", thank you", "may I", "would you", "shall we", and all the little romanticisms of active dating.

SB

[TSVNT01]

Hi Geoff, the co worker is a very close friend of ours both her and her husband are good friends and we there the day the wife and I met.