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Knowing you're going to lose a loved one and the problems with it.

GV
Community Member
Thankyou to anyone who reads this ❤

Last year back in May my mum was diagnosed with bowel cancer out of nowhere. She was 50 and I was 18 on my last year of school enjoying life until this completely blindsighted me and I felt miserable. This lasted for a while but however with time eventually I learned to deal with it and learned how to live happily again.

However very recently this all changed, this month my mum ended up back in hospital and we were given the news that the chemotherapy wasn't working well enough because the cancer is spreading and now effecting her lungs and breathing. The doctor gave us the devastating news that they don't think she is going to last longer than 2 years anymore, they're expecting her to either die thos year or next year. I think for a while I was in a state of shock so I didn't feel emotional however it is only beginning to hit me now after watching her deteriorate. I'm scared about what life will be like after she is gone, and I'm also sad and I also feel angry at the world and feel resentment towards it, "why her?" "why us?" "why me?". My mum is the person who knows me better than anyone, she understands me better than anyone and she's the one I rely upon and I feel like once she's gone not only will I be miserable, but I'm scared on how I'm going to come with life without her support. I feel lost and like I'm never going to get out of this position I am in currently, and I know everyone says it gets better with time but I don't want to have to wait for it to get better.

I'm also worried about the affect this is having on my current work. I'm a casual assistant nurse at a hospital, I have only started this position recently and I am usually there when they call me, but recently I have had to decline a couple shifts due to either not getting any sleep the night before due to stress. Or due to being in a bad mental state that will cause my work to suffer. I'm worried that I have now given a bad impression to my boss and this will now prevent me from getting any work or any other jobs in the future due to this bad impression.

Please help me, I feel so lost and trapped and unaware of what to do, because I feel like I can't discuss this with my family because it makes them upset for the same reason as me.
From GV
2 Replies 2

Sophie_M
Moderator
Moderator
Hi GV
 
We’re so grateful to have you reach out to our community this morning, and are so sorry to hear about what you’ve and your family been going through. We hope that you find our forums to be a safe and supportive space to talk through your thoughts and feelings. Our community is here for you. We’ve also checked in with you via email to provide you with some additional supports.

Keep checking in to let us know how you’re going, whenever you feel up to it.
 

Croix
Community Champion
Community Champion

Dear GV~

I regret it has taken so long for you to get a reply. You are in great distress and while Sophie_M has offered support you have heard nothing from here on the forum. Please be assured it is not you and not the subject of your post either, just the system does not always work as we would like

I guess I ought to tell you the bravest doctor was our long time family GP who went out on a limb and told me my wife would be dead in a year. He did not have to, but it made a huge difference to me. Some 3 months later she went into hospital, and 9 months later passed away.

That time was precious, as it is for you and your mum now. She is still the same person. I would expect she loves you and still likes the the thngs she did. I'd imagine she knows you are full of grief -and fright. And probably feels helpless to keep you safe.

I talked of normal things to my wife, snuck the dog in once, and generally did not dwell on the situation, though we did talk of it occasionally, it could not be avoided. I went in after work every day. It was not a chore, we enjoyed being together.

You have the hardest time of your life now, and will for some time. There is no way to prepare for it, it happens. It is no use me saying thing get better in time, everyone says that and it is no consolation.

I can say the grief and loss fill your life and remain, your relationship with your mum does not stop when she passes away. I even used to talk over things with my wife after she had gone - it lent a moment of normality and helped -even though I knew it was silly. Different things might help you.

As life goes on other things happen and your memories, beliefs, experiences all add to you, in time although the grief remains, there are other things that gradually take your attention. Eventually -and no there are no real shortcuts - you will see all of your mum's life with you, not just the last bit. It will have happy memories as well as sad -even the times you misbehaved and got into trouble will be treasures to keep.

With you work simply tell them the truth. If they are worth working for they will understand and cut you the slack you need. If they don't there are better places to work as a nurse, casual or permanent. Family and friends are nurses, they all find their administrations very understanding. You are only starting your career

Do you have other family or freinds to support you -and maybe you them? Being isolated is the hardest way

You are welcome here anytime.

Croix