I don't believe that I will ever find love
Anyone who I have ever called a best friend has decided to leave my life with little to no explanation. My boyfriend of 11 years left me in a very ugly and painful breakup where he basically took all of my biggest insecurities and fears and used them as reasons to leave me (he took back what he said later, but the damage was done and I don't know what to believe now). I had to move back home at 28, have no friends, no boyfriend, my mental health is in shatters and my job is only about the money (which I despise, I have always wanted to work for passion more than money). My entire image of my future; all my hopes and dreams have been completely destroyed and honestly I have very little hope for anything good in my future. It felt and still does feel like a nightmare come to life.
I am overweight, mentally ill, chronically ill, have self-esteem and trust issues and am demisexual (cannot experience sexual attraction without a strong emotional connection). I don't think anyone will ever be attracted to me and even if they were at first, once they found out everything that they would have to deal with they wouldn't think I was worth it. Then on top of that even if someone found me attractive and decided to hang around despite all of my crap; the chances of us also being sexually, mentally and emotionally compatible feel miniscule.
Then even if I did lose weight and get on top of my mental health for now, I am so terrified that I'll meet someone new, fall hard for them and then when I have a mental health relapse or when I gain weight again they'll leave just like everyone else did. It makes me feel like who I am now isn't good enough and I do not believe that I will be able to evolve out of being this person forever; I believe that I will most likely always have mental health relapses and I will gain weight again.
I want to be loved for who I am now but apparently that's impossible. I don't want to be alone forever but I feel like that's the future I'm facing.
I would appreciate any support or help but please don't tell me to be positive and just give it time - that is pretty much all I am being told and it doesn't absolutely nothing to help.
Welcome to the Forum, no I’m not going to say just wait (though nobody can see what is going to happen) and I’m not going to say be positive -in your current situation that is just twaddle.
You have had the rug pulled out from under you by the person you trusted most, and crashed. Anyone who cared would. I think your ex-bf was particularly cruel in pressing all your most sensitive buttons. He would have well known after 11 years what were your tenderest spots and went for them. No wonder you are reacting as you are.
No, he can’t take them back and your trust in him, and the rest of the human race is zero at the moment, and your opinion of yourself pretty low too.
You have moved back home, how is that working out? Do you get on with your parents?
You are going to work just for the $. Well OK, you have to have some, and being jobless is a nightmare. I’ve been lucky all the jobs I’ve had I’ve had a passion for and wanted to do, the salaries were just a necessary by-product. What interests you, practical or otherwise, and would fire your passion?
As for sex, not wanting to make love until you are secure and have a strong emotional connection is probably exactly right. It is so easy for sex to take over, become the main attraction, and the person is never really seen. Please do not look on this as a down-side, it is simply a normal thing. Most people are sensitive and intimacy is a very big thing.
Having had your world turned upside-down means that you are looking at things in a different way than normal, from the ground, the lowest place. You see all the problems, and if those problems were solved you see more, and if they were solved you would … and so it goes on in a dismal and anxious loop.
This is how I felt when my mental issues, PTSD, depression and anxiety were worst, my mind constantly made up reasonable sounding objections – due to having blinkers put on by my depression and anxiety so I saw nothing else.
Does this make any sort of sense? Remember Georgie Girl in the movie ended up OK
A grief or relationship counselor might help in the short term until you regain yourself. Also if the is anyone you can talk to, at home or with a friend. Not to fix anything but just listen to you and make you feel cared for?
It's a hard time in your life. You are welcome here anytime
First of all, I am so sorry. It is valid for you to feel upset after a break-up like that. 11 years is a long time, but honestly, if your ex did not appreciate you and love you for all your flaws, and support you through your insecurities - then he doesn't deserve you at all.
I believe after a break-up, you should grieve. It is only natural. Then, it's time to focus on yourself. It sounds cliche, but focus on making yourself your best friend, and the only person you need by your side. The rest will come naturally. If you are happy within yourself, that is all you need. They all say "you need to learn to love yourself before you love someone else". If you think therapy or talking to someone about this (because believe me, what I have just said is easier said than done and everyone has different growth processes) will help you, then get in touch with your GP and get a referral to a therapist/psychologist.
As for your career, you're still only 28. I'm only 20 so I cannot speak much on this - but every adult I've ever known has told me that they've changed careers many times in their life. You still have time.
I am also chronically ill and have had anxiety issues (not so much anymore though). My current boyfriend of 2 years has supported me through everything and has helped me through the worst time in my life so far with my health (including major surgery) and he loves all of me despite my scars. We're only young, yes, but when we met I wasn't looking for anyone. He just appeared. And when the time is right, your next person will appear and will treat you better because you have now learnt the qualities you do not want in a partner.
I know you don't want these kinds of answers - but the person that will love you for who you are will come, but for now, make YOURSELF the person who loves you for who you are. You are the only person who will always be there for you.
And, if you need more assistance - contact your GP and get a mental health plan. Or contact BeyondBlue's support service.
All the best,
Life can be very cruel. I am in the same boat as you.
I am almost 46 have lost all my money, my business, my sense of self. I was generally quite happy and content with what and who I am. I am also now living with my parents. I am too ashamed of myself and embarrassed. I got involved with a diagnosed BPD woman. I did not know this until after. Everything was great. Love bombing. She was the one. Like the movies. Something i don’t buy into. But here it was happening for me. She knew instantly I was for her. She told me we are getting married she was that confident. 9 months of bliss. Then she got sick. We would cry together her telling me she does not want to die, me crying with her telling her she is not. She making me promise that I would not leave her. More tears. I love her and she is my partner. It was my duty to look after her. No brainer. The success rate was very high for her condition. 4 to 6 months in hospital. Then maybe again in approx 35 years time. I told her to not worry about anything. Relax. We were in and out of hospital for the next 3 months. I was paying for everything. Both rents her credit cards she was spending thousands online also. Deal with that later. Her health was getting worse. I would take her anywhere she would like to go. Restaurants several times a day. She would often come to work with me. I took care of her as best I could. I loved her and she was sick.I had a Mentor. This caused major conflict between us.Basically he said that she was not my responsibility. We had only been together for over a year. She can go back to her parents. Who lived in another state. I was offended.She definitely didn’t want to. 5 months later we are in hospital. After 1 week she looks amazing. Then she disappeared. What? 21 days of crazy not knowing. Her father calls me and said she has passed. I never saw her again. I have been in limbo for a year. Then recently I started opening stuff up on our computer. Cheating all the time 5 longtime affairs. All over 55yrs. A video with a very old man. Junkie about 65yrs old. In a sex act. She is laughing. Talking about me. Saying it’s the funniest thing of the decade. she welcomes her death. Shit Georgie Girl. Hang in there. I guess this is what they mean by putting yourself first. I am finding it difficult too. I wish you my best GG