Help, I need to separate from my husband due to abuse but he has a MI...

[emotionallydrained]

I'm new here and very scared of posting on a forum.

My husband has been a long time sufferer of anxiety and it has impacted on our relationship and life for well over 10 years. I've always tried to support this as best I can to the point where I've missed family events, functions and just general day to day life events that most take for granted. It started as general depression and manifested in a phobic anxiety. The phobia is mainly illnesses and getting sick (cold and flu). This has made going out hard. I have tried to respect it and help but by helping all I've done is enable the issue. I've now made it ok to control me, tell me not to go out with friends during winter and tell me not to hug my son when he's sick so I don't get sick too. If I get sick, the whole house falls apart as it triggers his anxiety.

He's sought treatment a long time ago and doesn't like medications because he doesn't like his reactions to them. He feels he is coping and he can function in life. And he can. He can hold down a job (quite good at his job) and no one is ever any the wiser. He always touches stuff when we're out so I don't have to. I'm the chauffeur and shag on a rock most the time.

My family and friends have been telling me I'm being controlled and emotionally abused into thinking I have to give up these things to support him. When I bring it up I constantly get told I'm being selfish by asking to go to a function as I'm not considering how it affects his illness or what happens if I get sick.

Our child is now affected by this and can sense there is an issue. When your child asks for a cuddle and you can't give it until he is well again is a big problem and one I can't accept as ok anymore.

He has also become angry and violent over the last few years. Our arguments are heated and he can blow up in the space of minutes. I'm always the instigator apparently. I make him angry or I came home 15 minutes late from a party I was once allowed to go to for 1hr and he told me when he gives an inch I take a mile. I keep apologising and saying sorry to keep the family together. I'm at the point where I can't do it anymore - for me and my child.

My question is, what do I do? When he is not stressed or angry and living by the rules things are ok. But I'm just one anger episode away from another outburst. How do you leave someone who is suffering MI when they say you're not supportive?

[Ggrand]

Hello emotionallydrained....

I listened here, shaking my head when you are blaming yourself for antagonising him or caused him to get angry..That is so not true... I used to apologise to my late husband when he hit me..because he said I caused him to do it....I have learnt from my psych it was my fault, he got angry and hit out..No excuse is ever big enough for your partner to physically hurt you....That is assault..and against the law...

Mental health whether it is anxiety, depression, ptsd does not cause a person to be physically or verbally abusive...Having mental health issues is his excuse....to get away with doing these things to you...

When my sons were small, his abuse was alway on me...as they got older he also abused them as well...So please be careful and protect yourself and your son...You’re son growing up in such an environment, could teach him the wrong values in life towards girls, women etc...

I sacrificed my family and friends to keep my late husband happy...I could never get sick, or he got angry, because I wasn’t able to serve him the way he expected me to....Looks like he does that when your son gets sick..Doesn’t want you to hug and comfort him....because he then becomes 2nd in your time and care to him...You say you cannot talk to him about your unhappiness or depression...because he turns it around and makes him the victim....It’s all about power, controlling you and your actions towards him....I felt like a servant to him...

I really hope that you follow your heart in what you want/need and decide to do....Please remember Dear emotionallydrained...abuse is wrong...no matter which form of abuse it is....

Please stay safe and look after you and your beautiful son...talk anytime you feel up to it...I’m listening and when I can I will pop in to help you if I can...

Sending you my care and all my kindest wishes for you lovely emotionallydrained...

Grandy...

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Juliet,

Thank you! You write almost like it is me writing. It seems we've had/having similar experiences. We're in an ok stage at the moment where stress is relatively low (for him) but as you said, it makes me then feel guilty or doubt it's bad. But I re read a note book I have been keeping the last couple of years about incidences and I realise it's not ok and then wonder how I could let it get to this and how I didn't reach out earlier. Right now is the hardest time in my life to leave if I have to because I have no family support - they are all in lock down in Melbourne. So no one can get to me to help. I don't have any really close friends either as they are also in Vic. This year has been a struggle for so many people in that regard. I know he doesn't suspect I'm thinking this which is playing on my mind even more.The guilt is taking over my mind and as you said, then makes me doubt it all.
But our son is sick again and it's the same thing - making sure we don't get sick too because it challenges his fears too much.

Thank you so much for replying on my thread. Your support and words have been such a comfort going through this alone. I try not to tell my parents too much because they can't come up to do anything and they have enough worries on their plate. I talk to my best friend which is such a help.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Grandy,

Thank you so much. Your words have given me comfort also. You're right, I do blame myself and I do feel guilty a lot. Sometimes I know I have unintentionally antagonised because I have gotten frustrated and then retaliated with an inflammatory comment. He'll give me a warning he's anger is building and I know to back down. But sometimes it doesn't take much for the anger to build. But then a few hours or day he's calmed down again - usually after I have apologised. I think he justifies getting angry because he's given me warning he's getting that way.

The worst part is he doesn't have a good opinion of some women. He's seen women use DV as a means to get back at their husband's when they have not been victims, so he thinks most women can be manipulative. But someone who sees those traits can see them anywhere I guess.

Thank you again for your support. Each comment has been a relief to read. I would love to keep contact in this thread - I'm just not sure how things will pan out.

[Sophie_M]

Hi emotionallydrained,

It's great to see that you have found some comfort in the support of our wonderful community members, and to hear that you've been opening up to your best friend. We can understand that navigating this situation may be especially difficult in the pandemic environment. We think you are so strong. Please know that there is support available to you even in these difficult times.

If you need support and advice around leaving the relationship we would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. They offer confidential information, counselling and support 24/7 for people impacted by sexual assault, domestic or family violence and abuse. The counsellors have a lot of experience offering advice to people in your situation. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

It might also be useful to get in touch with our Coronavirus Mental Wellbeing Support Service. Our friendly counsellors will be able to give you some advice around navigating the pandemic environment.

Please feel free to keep us updated whenever you feel up to it.
 

[emotionallydrained]

I'm back and I need reassurance.

It's been just over a week and things were better. There were no arguments that were bad and things were ok. Then my 6yr old got sick again and all my reasons for thinking things aren't ok came flooding back.

Every time my child gets sick, we have to go into a lock down and my child is restricted on where they can go in the house to limit germs. (My H's MI is a phobic anxiety over getting sick.) The last few times my child has been struggling with this and saying they are getting frustrated and even getting angry because mummy can't do anything. I can't even hug him because I can't get sick myself. I'm sure my child sees a mum who can't make a decision without daddy's approval because I doubt myself or have to make a decision based on what my husband would want but not what I agree with.

I need to know... at what point is it "supporting someone with a mental illness" and what point is it "controlling behaviour and not MI and am I within my rights to consider other options"?

I'm constantly being told I'm not supporting his issues and not compromising. Today I was told I put us all at risk by getting out of the car to pick up my child from the school gate instead of the pick up zone. Why would I do that? I said it was a nice day and pick up zone was full. He said why couldn't I do a lap? He said I don't respect his issues and if he has to get a covid test it'll be my fault and I'll say "I'm sorry" when it happens but he'll be angry and he'll pack my bags for me. I've lived in fear of getting sick for years because I know how he reacts, but covid has made it worse.

Am I crazy? Should I stop being selfish and support and respect the things that increase his anxiety and not do them? Please tell me if I'm not supporting someone with a mental illness properly. I don't want to be the person who disrespects MI because I don't. I know it's an illness... but sometimes I think his brain is using it to keep his own fears in control by keeping us under control?

Please help....

[Guest_1643]

Hey there! Love your awareness and insight - to answer your question - you are NOT imagining things, and sounds pretty real and upsetting to be treated this way. Sounds a bit like gaslighting on his part.

This is very familiar to me and I think he is being insulting but asking you to accomodate his problems, ie so he

I quite admire you - when I went through something like this I truly couldn't even question the person who acted this way towards me (then blamed me for it, 10/10 times), I thought he just had problems and was saying those things, not meaning them, just unable to get the right words out....

Hurtful words are hurtful words, and it's a choice to use hurtful words and language, and to put you at risk - that's a choice that the person makes.

People who are abusive to their partners are often very calm, friendly and capable of managing their emotions in dozens of other circumstances daily, proving they do have control over it - and are choosing to act abusively.

It's okay to hold him accountable for his choices - they're not issues, they are bad and harmful choices he makes.

[Juliet_84]

Hi emotionallydrained,

This definitely isn’t normal behavior, but I can understand why you doubt yourself as controlling partners have a way of turning things around on you and making out as though you aren’t supporting them enough. That is one of the ways they use to exploit you as most reasonable partners want to be supportive, and they know this. That being said, I found that I always had the most success in getting through to my partner when I stuck to the facts. Don’t let him manipulate the conversation, say that this is not normal behaviour and he needs to see someone about his anxiety. He will try and drag you into his drama, but stay strong. This is his problem, not yours.

As hard as it may seem, I think that you need to start emotionally distancing yourself from him to a degree. He is having way too much power over your moods and you can’t keep dealing with this level of stress. Don’t fool yourself into thinking “oh things are better this week, maybe things will be different” , just keep reminding yourself that this is the pattern. It will save you the heartbreak each time he lets you down. If I were you, I’d start cultivating things outside of the relationship, seeing friends, taking up a hobby etc. There is nothing to be lost by enriching yourself.

[Sophie_M]

Hi emotionallydrained,

It sounds like a highly stressful situation - it does not sound like you are being selfish. We're sorry to hear that you're having to cope with so much. If you have the feeling you are living in fear, it might be a sign that your boundaries are not being respected.

If you need some support we would strongly urge that you contact 1800RESPECT. You can contact them on 1800 737 732 or https://www.1800respect.org.au/ 

If you are not ready to speak to someone yet, it might be helpful to you to take a look at some online resources around controlling behaviour in relationships from trusted resources such as 1800 RESPECT or Relationships Australia. For example, this is a Relationships Australia page on "Domestic and family violence - controlling and violent relationships" - https://www.relationships.org.au/relationship-advice/relationship-advice-sheets/relationship-difficu...

Or, "How to set boundaries in relationships" - https://www.raq.org.au/blog/how-set-boundaries-relationships

We hope that you've found some comfort in the kind words of the community. Please feel free to keep us updated whenever you feel up to it.

[geoff]

Hello Emotionallydrained, I've read all the replies which have all been very good, but if I can say, is that you're not disrespecting MI but know and realise that unless he seeks the help he needs, it would be impossible for you and your child to continue living under these conditions by emotional and physical (spitting) abuse.

The world can not function around a person's irrational beliefs and cause you and your child to abide by them when you don't agree.

If you abide by his demands then your chance of developing your child will certainly be weakened.

I can't tell you what to do, but surely you deserve better and not be controlled by his orders.

Best wishes.

Geoff.

[emotionallydrained]

Hi Sleepy21,

Thank you for your support. Unfortunately my awareness and insight is only a recent thing... say the last year or 2, but I've only just started to act on it and seek advice and comfort. I too thought it was me and I wasn't being supportive enough and I was the problem. But I can see the only thing I did wrong was enable the behaviour from the start. It's been over 10 years, probably creeping up to 12.

I just don't know how to approach it or even talk about how I am feeling. I know I won't articulate it right and I know it'll go one of 2 ways. He'll dismiss it or get angry and throw the toys out of the cot. Being a person who likes to be in control, I fear it needs to be his decision or his doing. I just need to be prepared to be told I'll never change or I'm just like *insert person of the week he dislikes here* and playing a victim.

History says that day is coming whether it be a week or 6 months. I'm just living in anxiety stressed about how it'll all play out and worried about whether I'll be strong enough to say enough is enough when it does happen. I've always backed down before.

I've lived waiting for the day it changes for good. There's been changes and some big ones on his part and he will bring those up each time, but the anger he can display toward me and the hurtful things he can say in a moment of anger I can't forget. I'm sad most the time and he asks what's wrong, but I've just shut down because when I've tried to talk it just someone ends up about him. His troubles, his battles. Sometimes I just need a hug but he can't give me that either because affection is too risky because he might be sick tomorrow. He thinks he's protecting me, but I've realised he's really trying to protect himself and the guilt he'd feel if he got me sick (.00001% chance because he's not sick!) I've tried so many times to reassure him, explain there is no risk... but the fear is greater so it's easier not to challenge it.