Forgiving Drunk Comments

[MB19]

Hi all - first time poster here. I'll try and keep it short and sharp...

My partner had one too many beers and decided to say "we don't love each other anymore." When I was obviously upset/angry at this comment he explained a number of reasons why he doesn't love me anymore. Including we never spend any time together - it is always about the kids and more. Points I had already got upset about recently and was asking for us to have more couple time rather than just in our parent roles. He purchased flowers and chocolates the next day when I told him what he said and now is acting like all is good. But I am still heartbroken and depressed. He says it was just stupid drunk comments, but I feel you don't say things, even when you're drunk, unless you feel them in some way! I can't un-see his face when he said it or un-hear the words. I don't know how, or if I can move forward and each day seems to pull me down further.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you!

[geoff]

Hello MB19, hi and welcome to the forums.

Being intoxicated takes away any self control and frees the person to say what they really mean without much care in the world, it stops any inhibition and they don't particularly worry what they say, and to provide you with flowers and chocolate the next day as a sorry, does not necessarily heal the hurt that has been caused, because is the same going to happen next time they are intoxicated.

The trouble is when they are sober, these thoughts may still go through their mind but are too frightened to say anything, but their behaviour may be an indication of that's how they feel.

Parents can organise time together in one way or another, but understand how you are feeling.

If no love is shown, except for the times after he has made these comments, and then you feel you are suffering from lack of affection then please talk with your doctor, you need to open up to someone who will listen to you, because this is very important for you to make a decision for you and the kids.

Love can not be established if it's only said while they under the influence of alcohol.

Hope to hear back from you.

Geoff.

[Sophie_M]

Dear MB19,

Thank you for finding the courage to post about your confusion. The strength you have can be used to help you work through your relationship struggle.

We understand how confusing it can become when someone close to us tells us something painful whilst under the influence of mood-altering substances such as alcohol. This is especially confusing when the words shatter our world.

When we have children, our relationship with our partner changes massively. We now have little ones who are completely dependant on us, and our earlier relationship as a couple can seemingly disappear.

When we are under the influence, we lose much of our limiters (the filters inside our heads which help us control how to express our thoughts). So, in that sense, when we are drunk, we say whatever comes into our heads. Interestingly, though these unsensored thoughts have a passing relationship with the truth, they are not necessarily truth.

In order to help you figure out what you want, we suggest asking yourself the following:

How much time do you spend with your partner away from the children?

How often do you have adult (not child-focused) discussions with your partner?

What relationship do you want to have with your partner, and what needs to happen to get there?

We would like to encourage you to call any of the free counselling services if you would like someone to help you sort through your thoughts. They include:
Lifeline 13 11 14
beyondblue Support Service 1300 22 4636

We also encourage you to continue engaging with our helpful and supportive community here in the forum. Please remember that we are here for you.

Sophie M.
 

[therising]

Hi MB19

Heartbreak has such a devastating feel to it. It's just so incredibly painful. I feel for you so deeply as you face the great challenges that come with his words.

Being a gal who's an ex drinker, one of the many reasons as to why I no longer drink is based on me not being able to carefully manage my brain/mind and therefor my words when alcohol's involved. As drinking buddies in the beginning of our 25 year relationship, my husband remains a drinker and this poses problems such as the one you face. Some of the 'revelations' that come out of his mouth when he's been drinking can feel truly soul destroying at times.

To be fully conscious of our thoughts and how we express them vs being in a state of semi consciousness when alcohol's involved can produce different results. I figure, when a person becomes fully conscious again, it's then that they should take responsibility for what they've said and how they delivered it. While they could have phrased things more thoughtfully, more consciously, the fact remains they didn't. Getting them to face responsibility is a must, otherwise it's us who can't move on and that's just not fair.

Having known my husband for so long, I know the way his brain ticks and this relates to something you touched on. The process for him is 1) I said something when I was drunk that perhaps I should have phrased better and now I'm facing my wife raising the issue, then 2) I'll face her talking about it while hoping she calms down and 3) I no longer want to face this, which equates to him saying 'Just stop going on about it' and finally 4) now that I've shut this down everything's back to normal. Of course, for us, it's not back to a healthy form of normal because we're suffering. If that's normal, there's something seriously wrong.

While there may be some elements of truth when it comes to what a drunk person says, it's about how they phrase their version of the truth. If they verbally phrase it harshly or brutally, we'll feel that brutality. MB19, I'm a serious 'feeler', big time. I'll feel 'a knife to the heart' comment, I'll feel a 'Knock her off her feet' comment, I'll feel a 'Kick her while she's down' comment. A person has the chance to provide serious after care when they've inflicted injury. If they don't, we have every right to question that lack of care. We also have every right to express our pain.

I'm glad you gave yourself the freedom to come here and express your pain. Self expression is good for the soul.

[jaz28]

Hi MB19,

Sorry to hear this has happened. You must feel so betrayed.

I think a conversation with your partner about what happened is needed. To tell him how hurt you feel and to probe him to see if what he said had substance to it. Honesty is the best policy. It's good he apologised but what he said is shocking and world-rocking for you. I think you need to have an honest conversation if you feel up to it.

I hope all is okay,

jaz xx