Emotional Affair Roller-coaster

Roanna · ‎17-12-2017

This is probably going to sound like a bad soap opera but here goes. My husband recently had an emotional affair with a girl (I say girl because he is 23 and he is 32) at work. I found out, confronted him, he moved out for 2weeks during which I had major emotional ups and downs but fought for our marriage, we officially broke up for 3 days then he came back and decided this is where he wants to be.

The issue now is that they are "besties" (yes I said besties) and he's only been home for about 3-4 weeks so it's getting to me. I have told him that it hurts me the she's still around and he say he understands that but refuses to cut down on the contact he has with her outside of work even temporarily. This is the part that I hurting me the most. I know that I have to get passed it eventually but the fact that the only problem he sees with it is the one I cause when I get upset about it. I have told him that our needs to take priority and if they are such good friends she would understand that and give us our space and maybe one day we can all get along. I can compromise. Still my feelings are ignored.

Not sure if I should talk to her myself, give him an altimatum, or just suck it up and get over it?

We have been having some good times together over the past few weekends and our communication has definitely improved but I still feel like I'm fighting her for him.

I don't NOT believe him when he says he loves me and wants to be with me, I can see in his face that he means it but not backing me up on this is a big deal to me.

Not sure what I should do now.

Apollo_Black · ‎18-12-2017

And also, was he friends with this woman before he met you?

Roanna · ‎18-12-2017

No he was not. She started at his work in June this year which is when they met. We have been together for 13years. I'm the only relationship he's had. He said that was part of the reason, and why it confused him so much because he didn't know what the feelings were.

Roanna · ‎18-12-2017

He's says that he sees her more like a little sister now but that is as far as it will go

bindi-QLD · ‎19-12-2017

Hi Roanna,

Thanks for telling us a bit more about your situation, like having a family and about your husband's work situation. I get where you're coming from, with wanting your husband to be happy and wanting to believe in him. Its good that you two are discussing things deeply and you feel closer. I do agree this is a better way forward than ultimatums.

I feel myself that he's (probably unintentionally) done something very careless with your feelings in this situation, both during the emotional affair, and afterwards, with continuing to see her alone instead of trying to prove to you (in actions) that the girl is noone to worry about. Words are one thing, but the actions talk louder, and he hasn't taken any action to reassure you yet. Also consider that he is communicating, through actions, to the girl that she is important enough to spend time with instead of his family, and she may feel led on. I think it would be reasonable to ask him to stop seeing her outside of work for a little while, so both their feelings can cool down. It would also be reasonable to ask for transparency in his communication with her for while for reassurance. That will create trust faster and stronger than promises.

Also, if he can so easily push your feelings of pain aside as unimportant, silly, or irrational, something is not right there. If your feelings of pain and hurt cannot guide his behaviour in this relationship, then you have some rocky years ahead. They should be his first priority, he should want to protect you from harm and hurt at all times. Hurt is a personal thing, there is no saying what `should' make you feel hurt or in pain. If you feel it you feel it, and he should care. You can work towards that, you don't have to completely catapult to what he thinks you should feel.

So well done with moving forward with your husband through discussion and being closer. You don't have to fix this relationship in one fell swoop, it can be done over time. But do keep pushing for what you really need, and don't cast your feelings aside just because he doesn't think they are important. You two are people with a family to protect, and he has let you all down recently.

Apollo_Black · ‎19-12-2017

I'm going to provide a pretty straight forward response here, because this is the internet after all - and all of us internet randoms have opinions. You need to take away what's useful to you and discard the rest, including my post. But I've been there, on both sides, so I have some experience in these matters.

If he truly had an emotional affair, which isn't as bad a physical affair - it's still considered cheating. So in essence, he cheated on you and he wants to continue seeing this woman. He's using the "I just want to be friends" excuse to maintain the relationship with her. And hey, why not make you feel a little bad about yourself by questioning his happiness to boot? He's prioritising a "friendship" with a co-worker of the opposite sex over his partner with you of 13 years. Whatever he has with this woman, he likes it. It doesn't have to be sexual, but it makes him feels good. Of course he doesn't want to end it because then his feel good feelings go bye bye.

Your husband is minimalising what this has done to you. "Let's just move on". It doesn't matter how low grade the affair was, it was still cheating. It impacted on you. It hurt you. And recovering and rebuilding your marriage from that point is going to take time. He needs to realise that. And keeping in touch with this woman is not going to do anything for this healing. He's basically throwing it back in your face, magnifying the hurt which is entirely justifiable on your part.

So really, it is up to him. It's up to him to realise that he made a mistake, and by God he will do anything to make it right, which typically means showing some kind of remorse and permanently going no-contact with his affair partner (not friend) - and he should be happy to show you regular evidence of this commitment (eg: being able to look at his phone, emails, etc.).

If he can't recognise your feelings and what his actions have done, and make positive steps to correct this - then what is the benefit of this relationship to you?? So whether or not you're able to tolerate the current status quo - is up to you.

Libby1 · ‎20-12-2017

My husband had an emotional affair with a coworker as part of a longer and very painful midlife crisis. He continued to work with her for 2 years. It has been extremely difficult for me. He has insisted it was nothing and I overreacted. He did start a new job recently. I had hoped it would give us a fresh start and time to repair our relationship. He has been secretly in contact with her and now I am leaving unless he commits to major changes. The best resource I found was Debra Macleod Marriage SOS audio programs. There is one for the betrayed spouse. You need to take power back in this relationship. His behaviour is manipulative and abusive. All affairs are about entitlement, manipulation, power and control. He is enjoying having two women wanting him. He is enjoying that it is all about him. He definitely needs to stop seeing this other woman. It will not get better for you until he does. Even then, he will need a change of attitude. You cannot control his behaviour or change him. You can only control your behaviour. Please buy the audio program. Get a great life for yourself independently of him. Everything he says and does is to manipulate you. Do not fall for his BS. It has taken me 2 years to get to a position of strength and to be able to detach enough from him and his problems. I now feel ready and able to leave. Good luck. Get support and take care of YOU.