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Boyfriend with anxiety is pushing me awah

bibibsi
Community Member
My boyfriend and i have been dating for about 10 months now, and up until this point our relationship has been fantastic. He was incredibly caring and loving and always made me feel special and loved. He has struggled with negative thoughts about himself and his life for a little period, I have been there for him during episodes where he has broken down and comforted him, along with advising him to see a therapist. However lately he is being incredibly distant. He spends all his time with his friends and doesn’t make much effort at all to contact me and spend time with me like he once did. When i speak to him he is incredibly negative and condisending. I have told him a few times now that if he needs someone to speak to i am here. However his friends have told me he has anxiety, and he will speak about his issues with them but not me. His doctor has advised him to see a therapist lately, i encouraged him to see one as well however he is not interested. I feel like i’m pushing incredibly hard to be positive and make our relationship work but he is not giving me anything in return. I want to help him get better to be the happy person I first met but I don’t know how.
1 Reply 1

smallwolf
Community Champion
Community Champion

bibibsi,

Hi. Welcome to beyond blue.

Anxiety can be a funny thing (not in the 'ha ha' sense). That his GP suggests getting addition help and you are trying to persuade him also is a good thing. But don't press it too hard? That he can talk to his friends about it is better than nothing. I know that does not sound very good (for you), but it is a start. If you know any of his friends, maybe you could speak with them and get them to persuade him also?

It might be the case that he does not want to talk about with you for fear of appearing as a failure, inadequate or any other negative word you want to insert. His not wanting to be around you might be because he is afraid of showing his real self fearing your reaction(s) - good or bad.

Whether he gets back to being the "happy person I first met" is a tough question. My personal belief is that we learn distraction and management tools to deal with better. This might mean exercise, meditation, using the mindfulness or grounding techniques etc. This is also dependent on him wanting to "get better".

What is needed then IMO is a honest and open discussion about where the relationship is at. Emphasize your concern for him, that you care about what is happening etc. And while this sounds obvious, not to let it devolve into an argument. Remember that what we think and say and mean can be 3 different things. And if you do interpret something negatively it can the symptoms of MI as well talking shown in terms of being irritable, frustrated, angry, impatient etc. This are things I am working through at the moment with my psychologist.

If I have any other bright ideas I will let you know. Or if you have any questions...

Wishing you all the best,

Tim