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At a dead end

Deyana
Community Member
I asked my husband to seek medication for his increasingly extreme mood swings as he was causing unacceptable emotional damage to me and our two young children and I believe his behaviour was being exacerbated by his heavy drinking and unresolved childhood trauma. The medication has stabilised his moods a little at the heavy expense of him becoming an unfeeling monster.

I rarely cry as I am always acting out in defence, but I did break down in tears one day in sheer frustration under one of his emotional attacks and he told me to kill myself. This is just one horrible ugly incident among many and he doesn't even feel any remorse or apologise. I cannot reach him on any any level. He will not accept any communication or connection from me. His decent human self is dissolving before my very eyes.

And I heavily mourn the loss of the person he once was. He has lost all awareness of how poorly he is behaving and any feeling/ concern for others. He despises being in our home and in our company, constantly finds fault with us, resents us and we are always walking on eggshells. For the first time ever, I hear him saying I have put him through hell in the past decade and that I am the one that has mental health issues. This is a completely new revelation from him that I have never heard before and it is completely absurd!

I only want him to be free of the darkness that has engulfed him so that we can be a happy family. This is all I wish for. I recently sought a few sessions of counselling for the first time in my life because I am at a loss and do not know how to deal with his poor mental health. He continues to drink regularly on this medication. He will not allow me to provide feedback and attend appointments with him.

I would like to see him change his medication, but he disagrees. He believes this current medication is a success as it has changed who he is. He feels good/strong because it has numbed any real perception/awareness and all feeling. My husband reluctantly turned to medication a short while ago because he loved/cared about his family and now he is on medication and is happy to throw us all away.

How is this a good outcome? I really didn't think our situation could get any worse and I have tragically come to the point of giving up on him and any hope of our family surviving this. Our home is truly breaking and will not survive this course of treatment the psyciatrist has prescribed. I am devastated.
6 Replies 6

KTrain
Community Member
Hello Deyana,
I am new here too but I do have experience with a partner with alcohol issues. There is only limited progress that he can make while still drinking. Having watched someone go through rehab for alcohol dependence and come out the other side, and having been to a number of AA meetings and sessions with counsellors, one thing I have learnt is that it is never the partner’s fault and there is very little the partner can do to fix it. He has to hit his own rock bottom before he will decide it’s time to do something about it. If you can't get him to go to an appointment with you together as a couple, that leaves very little for you to work with. It does sound to me like you need to get out of there but only you can decide that. And that may or may not be his rock bottom, that’s for him to decide, but for your sake and the sake of your children you might need to leave? You could also try going to an Al Anon meeting depending on how much you think the alcohol is playing a part, though it could be helpful regardless. Some say it helps immensely, others don't get much value so I think it may depend on the meeting and the point you are at in your life. Personally I haven't been to one but it is always being recommended to me.

Deyana
Community Member
Thank you for your response. Just feeling so alone with all this grief and my viewpoint is always so invalidated by him.. i am feeling like I am going crazy. I am so stuck on wanting a happy family for my children.. I just don't want to give up.. despite the abuse.. I think he will leave me anyway soon because he doesn't value us anymore.. thank you for your advice and for reaching out. Great to hear from someone who understands the pain of living with a drinker..

KTrain
Community Member
I understand the lonliness, having feelings invalidated and wanting to keep the family unit together. Maybe you can just try to look after yourself for a little while? Exercise helps me, or go for a walk in the sun, have coffee with a friend, or even treat yourself to a massage or facial. Meditation is great too, though I don't always practice what I preach, but meditation has been one of the best medicines I've found.

Dear Deyana

Hello and welcome to Beyond Blue. It's good you have found your way here. There are a several threads with similar problems to yours. Look in the Relationship and Family Issues forum, scroll down to Husband Left posted by Queseyoya. Not exactly the same but it helps to know others are struggling with this sort of situation. Her husband has left and she is coping with children on her own. Like you she loves her husband and is finding the going difficult. They may be other threads in this section for you to read.

When your husband went to the doctor was he given a diagnosis, a name for his mood swings? Sometimes medication can have unexpected side effects which his doctor needs to know about, especially when meds are combined with alcohol. Doctors can only give so many repeat prescriptions which means your husband will need to return for another prescription if he has not already done so. I hope he manages to tell the doctor what is happening to him.

It may also be helpful for you to see your GP and ask for some help on how to help your husband. I presume you have the same GP. The GP cannot of course disclose your husband's medical condition but may be able to talk about how to help.

I understand how difficult this time is for you. Could you manage financially if he left? Could you find somewhere to live and manage financially if you left? Difficult questions to answer I know. Living in such an abusive relationship is hurting you and I expect also hurting your children. None of it is good. What support do you have from your family? Do you have any family nearby?

I see he is getting therapy from a psychiatrist but you do not believe this is helping him. Mixing alcohol with this sort of medication is a recipe for disaster. Do you think you are in any physical danger? May I ask what your counsellor suggested? Does he/she have any helpful suggestions?

Sorry to be firing questions at you. I am unsure what is happening and I do not want to make matters worse. Can you ask him to leave? I think it would be good if you went to your GP and asked for help especially if you cannot leave your home.

I also suggest you phone the BB helpline on 1300 22 4636 available 24/7. It's often easier to talk to someone rather than rely on writing. Please give them a ring.

Mary

Thank you for reply and the helpful advice. We are both seeing the same psychologist separately now.. Hopefully we are in goods hands. And this hardship can somehow be resolved.

Hello Deyana

It's good you are both seeing a psychologist though I'm not sure about one psychologist seeing both of you. If you are seeing the psych together it would be different.

I hope this will go well for both of you. Would you like to continue writing in here? You are most welcome.

Mary