8 year roller-coaster

[Still_in_limbo]

I met my partner 8 years ago and he told me very early on that he suffers from depression, for which he is medicated. We moved in together after 3 years of dating. He is the most exciting, considerate, generous, and intelligent man I know when he is healthy. When he is ‘down’ he is cruel and goes into flight mode. He is also a workaholic, especially when he is avoiding anything he doesn’t want to deal with (work or personal). We have grown further apart in the last 6 months and have not been intimate for the last 9 months ago. Over a month ago he essentially moved back to ‘his’ home for ‘some space’. He is unsure about what he wants and whether he wants a relationship. I have booked a couples counseling session but he does not want to come. He is currently avoiding discussions about ‘us’, yet has happily attended social events together. He is 57 years old and 8 years is his longest relationship. I am 51. I love him but I’m hurting; he says he hates hurting me. I don’t know how to get him to open up to me, or to at least get professional advice. Any suggestions?

[white knight]

Hi, welcome

Sorry for this tough time.

I'm a strong advocate for a partner to still go to counseling/therapy even though their other half isnt interested. Thete is a strong possibility you will not reunite so those appointments will assist you in that process. It can also help to clarify whete your partner is unreasonable in his treatment of you. Clarity.

What we also have difficulty with is "how can I get him to open up to me"?...you cant. Humans make their own choices, some are mistakes, some silly, but everyone does their own thing. If such actions/inactions do not satisfy you then you can consider how you deal with it.

Im 63yo. At 28yo I had had a 7 year relationship. She still could not commit to me nor wanted kids. I had to make that gut wrenching decision to leave and seek my life goals. Of course I loved her. It was hard.

Over time the pain drifts and love will come along.

Remain strong, dont do rash things and love what life has to offer.

TonyWK

[Gale]

Hi Just know you are not alone. I have been on that roller coaster for 10 years. I have tried four times to get my Man to seek professional help. He attends appointments I arrange both together & alone. I do not being to suggest I know how you feel or what you have or are going through. I just want to let you know you are not alone. You are not the only one feeling this. If you feel I can help please ask away. Gale

[Still_in_limbo]

Thank you for your wise words. This past week I have felt stronger within myself. He visited during the week, stayed the night (of his own choice) and we were intimate. I am puzzled by his timing as he knew I had counseling the next day. Today he said that the intimacy was because he still likes and cares about me but does not love me ‘the way that I love him’. He believes that all couples are ultimately miserable and he doesn’t want to be that way. He has agreed to see the counsellor on his own before we make any further decisions. He has made his mind up not to live here with me again because he feels better on his own. I’m scared but I have to have some hope that just maybe counseling will help us both.