Tired

Delectable · ‎10-10-2020

I’m tired of a lot of things, of doing this thing called life alone. I chose not to have children after living a traumatic childhood till I was 13 and placed in stare care. I never experienced love from my family or my past boyfriends. I have spent my entire life feeling never good enough for people, in the last fifteen years after I left a relationship I have felt more distant then ever. I worked as much as possible so I was either tired and didn’t think about the loneliness. I lot a few contracts and started baking, giving the food away when I could afford to do so. I’ve rented for the last 15 years and have had to do one bad move which was very hard on me giving away a beautiful harden and accessories to people I thought were friends but users in the end as I only live 30kns away and they choose to have nothing to do with me. I only work one day now and am struggling with filling in time, I do exercise every day for an hour, but there’s still over 13 hours to fill in. As i live in Victoria near NSW I’m stuck because of the coronavirus in Melbourne and not allowed out of my state though my area hadn’t had any cases for 90 days.

Tired of making friends to be let down by then, one life friend said speak to the psychologist, so I speak once every 6 weeks. I really don’t see much point continuing my life, there’s only so much one can take and I feel like ending my life especially iff I cannot go to Queensland in December for Christmas which I have not had Christmas for over 35 years with anyone. I do not take drugs or drink alcohol, just extremely overtired of my living.

Delectable · ‎26-10-2020

I’ve been isolated for a long time, since I left state care. I hate the days when there’s nothing to do but look at 4 walls and think, I’d rather be overseas then here, home where I come from. It’s easier to be in a place you love and belong then in one where you don’t.

i have idea of why

ky friends stopped the contact, good timing of theirs when they received expensive gifts they also shut the door in your face and do not bother with any contact and I’m done trying, I’ve spent 43 years trying and trying and the end result is always the same, never good enough. Well I’m done with that and I should have given up ages ago, people like me aren’t meant to be anyone and I sure won’t be continuing especially now with the pandemic I’m stuck and there’s no way out, Vic might not have any numbers today but how many of them have stopped the testing? I live well over 300kms away, yet me and other people like me aren’t allowed out of the damn state. I’m not interested in visiting other parts of Vic and I cannot ever go to Melbourne again for the culture festivals, it’s better for my mental health to be travelling overseas on a shoestring then stuck here.

Delectable · ‎26-10-2020

At least I’ll know on November the 8 , I won’t have to wait till December 23 now,

Hope all you COVID spreaders stay home now you’re going to be able to do as you please soon, fat chance of that happening though.

Hanna3 · ‎26-10-2020

Hi Delectable,

I'm sorry you're sounding so unhappy. If you were in state care as a child that doesn't sound like an easy way to grow up. Sounds like you've had a tough time. I really hope you do get to Queensland for your Christmas Eve. I hope you manage to find some happiness soon. Do stick around BB, once you get to " know" people it does help.

Delectable · ‎26-10-2020

Thanks, you deal with the cards you get dealt. My mum died 13 days before I turned 5, my parents fought and there was plenty of violence. My mum would chop my toys up with an axe, my foster parents were no better, I spent till I was 13 never good enough at school or anything I did and never achieved the trip overseas promised every year but no I was never good enough, never got A’s etc. They were violent as well, but would leave me at the local tip for hours into the night. At 13 they decided I wasn’t going to be good enough so gave me to my father who gave me to state care, award of the state. That was an eye opener, skipped my whole teenage years, got taped within a month of entering care. I had to stay in that system till I could prove I could leave, I had to leave school and get a job and prove I could save money. They rejected my first try but granted my second, I was 3’months off 17 when I left but still an a award of state. I went back to year 11, new school. It was hard 10 subjects and I didn’t belong, I was too different then. I left Melbourne when I was 18 with just a bag, looking back at my story I wished someone in the csv system would have told me I wouldn’t amount to much, I never had the tools or the make up. Over my 48 years I have learnt people aren’t interested in genuine people, if you have nothing materialistic they aren’t interested but when you do they will put their hand out...I have watched people die from drug overdoses, suicidal, abortions, there’s not much you don’t see growing up in your teens in the western suburbs of Melbourne in the 80’s.

Hanna3 · ‎26-10-2020

Hi Delectable,

So you got through all that - it's no wonder you feel different and like you don't fit in. I get it - I come from a comfortable middle class family and have two university degrees but trauma and childhood abuse have led to me being homeless for a while and then living in a terrible caravan park which was dangerous and unsafe - full of drugs and violence. So now I am in public housing and I don't fit anywhere - not with the people in that caravan park and not with the middle class people I grew up with and worked with. It makes life difficult!

Your upbringing gave you a rotten start. I'm trying to think of a book I read not that long ago by an Australian guy who wrote about the terrible foster homes he'd been placed in, so I can well believe you had a bad time - his story was horrifying. I can't remember the name of it right now.. bummer.

I think you will find it all pretty accepting here. I chat with another couple of ladies who also live alone due to various reasons. They've been a terrific support. You might find other threads that you connect with as you get used to BB - and maybe you'll find some people you connect with too, I hope so. I tried all the silly games and the BB Cafe and eventually you keep coming across the same names and you kind of get to know people, it's nice! It's not like having someone to have a cuppa with, but it does help with the isolation especially during covid19.

I wonder if you see your parents at all, or if you have any siblings you have contact with... mine don't contact me at all. Sadly.

We've become such a materialistic society but you'll meet people in all sorts of situations on BB, give it time it takes a little while to navigate around... and get to know people.

Life throws a lot of us a curved ball - some people's stories here are amazing. I think so many of us are strong to have survived.

I think you should feel proud of having survived that childhood and achieved what you have. Friends - if you have a couple of really good ones in life, that's enough. It's hard to find those really great friends who stay with you for the long haul.

I hope you stick around BB and give it some time, and you might even get some laughs and fun here too! I hope so. Welcome and nice to talk with you and hear your story. I wish we all had nicer stories... people here have been through a lot, as have you. Cheers, lady!

Bananie1234 · ‎26-10-2020

Hi delectable,

im terribly sorry for what you went through growing up and i think you’re really strong and brave :). I can’t comment much on this as i had a rather comfortable childhood. But i agree with you in many ways regarding relationships and friendships. Things that I’ve observed and learnt after living on my own.

i agree most people nowadays aren’t genuine anymore. It’s all materialistic, including our appearance. everything needs to look pretty on social media. it’s all about attention. We are in a world full of chaos and distractions. I’ve noticed friendship nowadays are maintained at a surface level which is something I don’t like. I think this is the reason why I struggle to maintain close/connected friendships and I’m becoming more and more introverted. But j genuinely believe there are people out there that are destined to change our lives and they will come into our lives at the right moment.

i really hope you can stay connected here. I’m sure many people understand your pain and are willing to connect with you and be here for you.

good news though, melbourne is opening up! I’m pretty positive you can come to QLD for xmas now! 🙂

as usual, keep in touch with us! xx

Delectable · ‎27-10-2020

Thanks, my parents are dead. I never had any aunts, uncles, cousins, my two half sisters told me years ago they can’t be a sister to me, They hated my mother so in turn hate me, it doesn’t matter as only one is still alive and lives in Canada. I haven’t seen her for over 25 years. My foster parents are dead, their natural son is still alive abs wanted to play happy family after his own parents passed and 25 years of no contact with me, to which I refused. Been through too much shit in very difficult times and none of those people were there, maybe I don’t forgive and I sure don’t forget. There’s been too many wrongs to forgive, and people know what right and wrong is...my foster mum asked me to forgive her before she died and I lied and said yes, which I never should have done. How anyone forgives anyone after 8 years of chronic abuse is a joke to even ask for forgiveness? I don’t have any uni degrees. I have only had mediocre work...retail and my own garden business for 15 years. I have endometriosis which I wonder if I got from all the abuse in the 13 years, there fore I never had kids and there’s no way I would have them after my start in life, I would never do that to an innocent child. I have had 3 partners, two live in who i left after 12 years the last as he was mummy’s boy and we were too different and the last cheated all over the state. I’ve tried to find someone but never am good enough, I rent which goes against me and most people think I should be rich as I never had kids. Not interested in people who are driven by money, rather be poor. I got myself to France first time 4 years ago and it was home, I could feel it in my blood and all the things I do I fitted in there, I saved all my frequent flier points from shopping and got myself back there too years ago for Christmas...and caught the train from Nice, to Grenoble to annecy, to Paris to Bordeaux to Paulliac and back to Paris. I was due to go in May to Estonia, Vienna, Budapest, Venice, and back home, of course I wasn’t allowed to go. I would have still gone, it would have been wonderful. You don’t need a lot of money to travel...I’d stay in air bnb and get free breakfast then have my lunch one meal sometimes combine it with dinner. We won’t be allowed overseas as they will have the virus when we don’t and vice versa, I cannot wait any longer. Time is difficult to fill when you’re stuck

Delectable · ‎27-10-2020

Andrews has given Melbourne too much freedom at once, the numbers will go up and they will infect us in regional Vic. There should be strict punishment not the fines that people can’t afford to pay. There would be people who think it’s funny to spread the virus, as there’s plenty of people who still do everyday living as they know they have covid 19. Jail them in an unused building, there’s plenty of them around but the world is too soft, bring bank a decent justice system and most crimes will stop. People who support the criminals should house them instead, if they feel so sorry for people who purposely have done wrong too others!

Hanna3 · ‎27-10-2020

Hi Delectable,

The trip you did around France sound wonderful! What did you like most about France? I would like all the cultural things and some of the scenery must be lovely. I don't speak any French, how did you get along with the language? A shame about the trip through Hungary and Austria, I visited Austria a long time ago but I loved it, such a beautiful country and found the people generally friendly.

Yes the problem is the virus overseas, not here. Everyone is delayed, people trying to get back to Australia and people in Australia trying to get out. It's a shame about your holiday but let's hope your Christmas Eve will go ahead. Are they friends of yours in Queensland that you would stay with? It would be so nice for you to celebrate it with other people you like, I hope you will be able to get there. Fingers crossed!

You have had a difficult start in life and not much luck with your partners, so I really do hope you get a nice Christmas and that overseas holiday might look more likely sometime next year .. I guess everyone is waiting and hoping.

I notice there is a gardening thread on BB, I think you were a gardener of some kind? Maybe that thread would interest you? Anyway hoping you are OK today, cheers.

Delectable · ‎27-10-2020

Yes I will stay with my friends in Queensland if I’m allowed to go there, but can’t afford to isolate for 2 weeks anywhere.

I study French in two years at school and taught myself to read the recipe books in French , it’s a beautiful place with old architecture, stone walls, open countryside, delicious food, mountains, colourful architecture, home.
I saw my psychologist today and told her about those people in my life, I’d also been baking and giving my food away for weeks which I now have stopped as the mother said I was a fool. More fool you were the words.

I’m too different, the piece that never fits into a puzzle, I need to get out now but I’m stuck and I’m not happy that the Melbourne people will come here, we aren’t allowed out of our bubble and they have skipped two steps of their lockdown. It really defeats having a roadmap, for them anyway. I am tired of being hurt over and over so will keep to myself, and not join the gardening group. Streets have been having parties and I hear laughter and fun times, something I never imagine happening to me, people say I’m too serious and don’t know how to have fun. Wish people would keep their opinions to themselves frankly, I never asked for their opinion. Best I shut myself further away from others as I don’t fit and as time goes by it hurts more.