Tired, scared starting over again.

[g44]

Spent 13 weeks in Hospital the first half of the year. Diagnosed with Depression by my GP who put me on a plan with a Phycologist. 3rd weeks in for the first time I spoke about my childhood after 50 years of keeping it a secret. Where I broke down. In sort, I was sexually abused raped by 4 different people from the age of 11. I won't go into the details it's still too hard to deal with. While in hospital for 9 weeks at one hospital and 3 Weeks at another health facility I was diagnosed with Major Depression, Complex PTSD, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Dysthymia - (ongoing Depression). During my stay in hospital, it was decided that I could no longer be with my family due to my Mental health and physical health. My wife also has Mental and Physical health problems. I made the choice to move out. My eldest son moved in with his younger brother with their mum.
This ended a 40-year marriage. A bit hard to take. We have slowly drifted apart over the last 12 years sleeping in separate rooms.
So there I am in hospital homeless and nowhere to go. In the 9th week in the hospital, I finally found shared accommodation 100 mile away from family. Only to find out that 3 tenants were smoking. I did not feel safe, breathing in secondary smoke. I went backwards became more depressed, anxious started to self-harm again thinking I would be better off dead. Community Health Acute Team were keeping in touch with me. Spoke to them said do you want to go to ED? Yes. She rang for an Ambulance. I self-harmed. Lost everything why should I care or want to be heard.
Spent 2 weeks in Mental Health Hospital 1 week in another. Then left thought I was good to go. Wasn't I was going back to the same place. 
One day sitting on the stone wall at the beach watching the waves people & dogs thinking I could quite easily take a long walk into the sea. A dog had run up to me sat on the wall next to me with his head on my shoulder.
He would not leave me. His mum called for him to go back to her. He did. The owner & dog came back up to their car. The dog did the same thing again with his head on my shoulder. Both of us went home that day. I finally found a unit which is a lot safer. Second-hand car.
Everybody thinks just because I have a unit and car I should be good & happy.
I'm not living alone & was self-harming again  2 days ago. Just over it all having to start all over again.

 

[g44]

Hi Emmen's

Sorry I did not see your post earlier. I've only been out of the hospital since last Saturday. Went through a pretty bad time. Spoke to my Docter how I was feeling on that Monday When I first posted. He wanted to see me again 2 days later Wednesday he was concerned. Went to go see him but made up my mind that I would go to ED instead that was on the way to his practice. Parked outside ED sat there for nearly an hour talking myself to go in. Wasn't a good start to the day. While I was sitting in my car making up my mind I noticed a guy on the other side of the road in front of the Ambulance entry to ED looking at me and my car. Bit strange? He crossed the road to my side I was a bit concerned looked like he was following the nurse. He wasn't he lent down and was looking inside my car. I said what do you want. He said looking for the time. Stranged considering he had a mobile phone in his hand. I turned away he then started to try to open the door. I shouted out you need to go because your not getting into this car. That scared him off but he went straight into ED where I wanted to go he was a patient waiting in ED. By this time my anxiety was not good. I phoned the police to come, as the policewomen came across the road he came out of ED. I said that's him. they Pulled him aside found out he was wanted for other things as well. I got out of the car and spoke to the Officer she could see I was not in a good state of mind and that what I was there for. The policewomen what was wrong showed her and explained what I was her for they both said they would take me into ED and explain to ED staff what had just happened. I was in a bit of a mess and trying not to show it. They saw that and took me straight through. Was in hospital for 6 weeks
Had a lot of help from the nurses, Occupational Therapist, and Psychologist. Also went through 12 ECT treatments. Electronic Current Therapy. Not sold on the ECT sessions don't think that really helped. People have said I look brighter and happier. Each cognitive testing session they did showed it was working. But the feelings I had prior are still there.Having weird nightmares again about where I lived and where it all happened and still not sleeping well. Spent 5 weeks out of hospital this year. Just over trying to readjust every time. I'm doing everything the OT taught me, sticking to my Saftey Plan. Sticking to my Behavioural Activation Plan. I'm just taking each day as it comes and trying to keep positive.

[Emmen]

Hello g44,

What a thing to happen at the ED! I would have been rattled too, if that had happened to me. I'm glad the police officers were there to assist you with the ED.

Staying positive is a good mindset to have. Regardless of how you feel, sometimes having faith in recovery is the one thing that can keep us going. Recovery isn't quick and even a slow progress is some progress. I understand you're exhausted from having to readjust each time you get admitted into and leave the hospital, and it does sound tiring. But the fact that people say you look brighter and happier is a positive sign that something is working, even if you may not feel recovered yourself.

Do continue sticking to your Safety Plan and Behavioural Action Plan. If you need to talk about your progress or about how you're feeling, this thread will be here for you.

Take care,
M

[g44]

Thank you much appreciated.