Should I engage a lawyer to finally get out of limbo?

[Scooter82]

Hi Everyone,

I have been separated from my Narc ex for a bit over a year now. We have two kids together and during mediation he refused to really make any parenting plan until we sold our house. The little we have come to an agreement on are just basic human decency such as communicating to me instead of our children about plans. He can't even follow that. I am sick of him controlling every aspect of the situation and ignoring what many professionals have told him in not putting the kids in the middle which he does when he makes plans by making them with the kids and not through me. He, of course, sees our children when it is convenient for him and suits his social life leaving it difficult for me to make any plans for myself or with our children. I think I am going to forgo a second mediation and get a lawyer. He will not be happy but I feel like it is the only way to regain some control and do what is best for our children. I have heard horror stories of Narcs stretching this stuff out as they do not want to comply or agree...the cost of it all scares me....but my children and I can't do this anymore. I want a safe, predictable and secure plan for them and what we have currently isn't it. Is this the right move? I am nervous about "poking the bear" but I also don't care. The last straw for me was planning an event for our youngest's birthday without consulting me at all or informing me. I work full time and therefore won't be able to see my youngest on his birthday until he comes back home late that night. I had plans for us but then had to change them and now will celebrate with him Saturday. I think I'm expecting to be able to coparent with him and eventually he will come to the party but after this I realise that is never going to happen. Any advise anyone? I have tried to avoid lawyers but I think the very thing I was avoiding might be the only thing that will set me free.

Regards,

Scooter82

[Guest_7403]

I think it's a good idea to engage in a solicitor, even with mediation happening in the background.

Under the definition of family violence, cohersive control through others (your children) and manipulation are classed as domestic violence. You are within your rights to apply for an intervention order in which you can stipulate all contact regarding the children must be done in writing to yourself etc.

There's no reason for you to live in fear or worry about his reactions. Discuss it with friends and family if its an option for you.

Protect yourself and take care.

[The_Bro]

Gidday Scooter and welcome to the forum with a very well written post that also has great clarity.

The advice Guest 7403 gave is very sound. I agree that what your ex is doing amounts to cohersive family control, classed as family violence.

I can't give you expert advice at all, but will happily pass on my thoughts based on the arrangement I made with my ex over custody when we separated.

Don't stand for this crazy timing that suits only him anymore!

It may take a little effort finding a lawyer who wants to help and understand your issue without stringing things out with expensive letters. Ask around your friends and at work about family lawyers, there might even be a Pro Bono lawyer you can chat with.

Keep a diary and very good records of what your ex is doing - start that today. This is very good evidence the lawyer will want to see. Make sure he uses it! When you find a lawyer you are comfy with, ask for a short consultation and be clear with your objectives.

They could be along the lines of:

1. I suggest setting an agreed custody schedule in place eg every second weekend or similar when your ex can see the kids. The custody schedule should state pick up, drop off times and place - only able to be varied with your permission.

2. Forbidding him to make other arrangements for the kids unless through you first.

3. Lastly, forbidding any contact of any sort from your ex (AVO?) unless picking up or dropping kids off.

I assume financial and assets settlement has been agreed?

Advise the lawyer right up front what you objective are (eg see above), and ask for an estimate of all costs.

It could be that a letter may be all that's required - but given your ex's behaviour you may have to get a court order registered.

Be brave and settle this. You sound like a great mum and deserve some clarity about the future.

Hope this has helped a little - happy to discuss at any time.

All the very best! The Bro

[Mum Chris]

Hi scooter

very good advice from all and can I suggest making contact with domestic violence counsellor to help you navigate this terrible time. You can apply to family law court for orders around access and coparenting. Mediation is good for regular angry people separated people. That’s not your situation. If he doesn’t abide by the courts agreed calendar then you go back to court for a review. Can be done without a solicitor the magistrate will talk very planely to both of you. Keep a diary of his abuse of your parental rights be very obliging and try and work it out send text messages and keep them as proof of his disregard of you and your children’s rights. The children are what the court cares about.
get some legal advice but if you don’t want to spend a fortune you can limit what the solicitor does you can message him and do the correspondence with their support.
my situation was dangerous and I used solicitor cost 60K and that was with him cutting his bill in half. Even after 3 years in court and a ruling and no contact order he went to mediation again and made allegations against me and I got a letter of demand to attend mediation or a summons for my arrest would be sent to me. It was sent to my solicitor and I lost it and with help of my solicitor I sent a notice of intent to sue the family law court mediation for emotional abuse and endangering my safety and the safety of my children. The sent a cancellation of the mediation and an apology to my solicitor and me. So you can work it out.
get counselling it’s stressful dealing with these type of people. I have also seen that it can end in coparenting that is polite and good for the kids. My friend did and just went to daughters wedding with the abusive ex there and it was no drama. She had to get some prewedding counseling but she said she was fine and he was polite.