How to move on

[Doolhof]

Hi All,

I've not been around for a while. It has been quite an interesting year since May last year. I've struggled quite a bit with Complex PTSD, BPD Depression, suicidal thoughts, panic attacks and grief.

Where to from here? I have been stuck for a while with little energy to move on and not much of an idea how to move on anyway. It is hard when my mind decides it wants to disconnect as that feels safer and then I wander through each day like a person in a movie set, just pretending. Empty. Distant.

Anyone else have trouble getting from one day to the next, waking up in the morning and wondering what on earth you are going to do with that day? At least at work I know I need to be there and have a rough idea what I am supposed to be doing!

I wrote more here and deleted it. I have reached out for help in so many places. Maybe I am just too broken to be fixed. Maybe this is as good as it gets. Maybe I just need to be more grateful for all I do have and continue to stuff my issues down inside of me hoping they don't find a way to the surface anymore.

The last psychologist I saw told me I need to buy new curtains for the house, a comfortable chair to sit in and new pictures for the walls! Oh yes, that will certainly help with the CPTSD, BPD, Suicidal thoughts, past traumas and unresolved grief that all come uninvited to attack my mind. Why didn't I think of doing that earlier! I don't need a psychologist I need thousands of dollars and an interior designer!

How to move on? I am open to suggestions!

[Doolhof]

Thanks Sophie_M,

I have been trying to gain assistance from MH professionals. One stated my trauma issues were too complex and they could not help.

One stated they did not want to listen to my depressive thoughts.

One stated she could help with DBT, CBT and Schema therapy then after a few sessions of just casual chit chat told me she doesn't actually do any of those therapies!

So I am back to reading self help books...some advise that you obtain a therapist to help you work through the strategies as they can increase your sense of trauma and mental health issues, and having a therapist will assist you to deal with your issues!

I no longer have my usual GP and each time I go to the medical centre I am passed off to a different Dr. There is no continuity of care and I am currently too tired to help myself.

Maybe this is as good as it gets and I should just pull my socks up and get on with life.

[Doolhof]

Dear Grandy,

Thanks for your kind words. My PTSD is triggered most weekends at work when people yell at me, criticize me and treat me harshly. Brings back so many memories from childhood, adolescence and early first marriage. It is a shame I can't find the off button for the flight fight freeze stuff.

Recent family interactions have been triggers as well.

I was seeing a psychologist recently, I asked her how do I get out of being stuck and shut down, she told me I had to work that out for myself. If I don't understand how the trauma closes me down how can I find a way out?

Yesterday I tried really hard to accept how I was feeling and to try to move on. I cut down dead branches off trees, piled them up, pulled up weeds, went shopping, made us lunch, cleaned up, sat down and painted for a while, had a snooze which I try hard not to do, and made dinner and did the dishes.

Today I am volunteering and working. It is raining so that will be refreshing for the garden.

I'm trying Grandy! Thanks for your caring and compassion. Cheers to you from Dools

[Tess2]

Dear Doolhof,

your first post here really resonated with me and I understand that dreadful feeling of waking and wondering how to get on the day.

I see this as tragic that I do not find joy in doing life’s simple things.

I have had PTSD since I lost my job under very traumatic circumstances five years ago. It really affected my soul. I have not worked since and am past retirement age . For some time I saw myself returning to some work but could not bring myself to try and lost a lot of confidence.

retirement was not something I had thought about much and I loved my job. So now I don’t see just keeping house and seeing some family much of an inspiration.

I sort of stumble through the days . I see my GP to help me manage my depression and anxiety, but I don’t see a counsellor. And I certainly don’t want to see one who tells me to get new curtains!

Your work does not sound like a healthy place to be if people are shouting and criticising you.

i have not tried Schema therapy, in fact I had to look it up. I have done loads of CBT, but have not found it that fantastic.

it certainly doesn’t sound like you have found great therapists, how you find the right one , I don’t know I think it can be a mix of the right referral and luck.

yesterday sounds very productive for you and you did something creative for yourself as well. That I think always helps and is a great way of being absorbed and not having to think about life’s stressors.

i saw you here when I first joined and had not seen you recently, so it is good to see you back and be able to identify with what you are expressing.

thank you

Tess

[Doolhof]

Hi Tess,

Thanks for responding, it is lovely to hear from you. I am sorry to read you had such a traumatic time at your workplace and that you are feeling lost. It can be a bit difficult getting through a day when you have little sense of purpose.

I'm trying to balance my day with work (at home or paid) doing something pleasurable, a physical activity of some kind and tossing in some self care!

Thankfully at work it is the public who abuse me and not fellow staff. That makes it a little easier to handle.

Some of the therapists have had some good advice, maybe I am just expecting too much from them? I know I have to do a lot of work myself. A helping hand when I am really struggling would be good.

Have you considered volunteering at all? I am enjoying chatting and visiting some elderly people in an Aged Care facility. I have a wonderful laugh with some of them. I know volunteering is not for everyone and also realise it may be difficult in this present age.

Yes, being creative does help to brighten my spirts. It is a case of making time to do things that are enjoyable and trying to see they have a purpose in life as well.

I don't know about you, I sometimes find it hard to put the helpful practises in place when I am not having a good day. CBT has helped in the past so maybe I will give that another try.

Hope you are having an okay kind of a day Tess.

Cheers to you from Dools

[quirkywords]

Dools

thank you for your honesty.

I am sorry that counsellors and Drs are unable to help you. You are asking for help but for various reasons they let you down

I have no answers but I keep trying.

take care

,

[Doolhof]

Hi Quirky,

Part of me feels like I need to go into a place where I will receive some assistance, therapy, group sessions, be encouraged to be creative once more, be listened to, cared for, where I can feel safe, calm down, unwind and gain a better perspective of my life.

I'm so highly strung right now and on edge, the slightest thing is tipping me over.

From my experience, those places don't exist except for in the movies or if you have a lot of money for private cover.

Maybe I need to stop dreaming! I try to stop the thoughts, they just keep coming!

Hope you are doing okay Quirky. Cheers.

[Backtheblue91]

Hi Doolhof, I appreciate your feelings 100% and they resonate with me. I am an Aboriginal descendent from my Watjarri ancestors and although I was not directly affected by the stolen generation the flow-on effects or intergenerational traumas I guess continue. My mother had severe mental health issues, which was occurring concurrently at the time of one of Australia's worst recessions in 1991 where my Dad lost his job and he had four mouths to feed, and left the family when I was 8 leaving me with PTSD like feelings of abandonment. I also have pathological ADHD so the whole of my school life I felt like I didn't belong and had few friends as I was considered the 'weird one'. I was bullied to some extent as well and my stepmother sadly passed away in 2001. All these things culminated in a sense of identity crisis and longing for love and acceptance that I still feel to this day. I know we are not all this lucky, but my father raised me to be strong and courageous through God's will and I kept going despite the hurt, despite the resentment, I joined the emergency services when I was 25 with the hope of helping the community. That didn't work out and I ended up with even more severe PTSD. The moral of my story I guess though is that despite being ridiculed at school, work, etc. I took it one day at a time. I still have a long way to go but I have since found maternal love and acceptance from my step-mother of 17 years, have found acceptance from my Aboriginal community, have been honest with myself about how I feel, and have underdone Psychotherapy and NLP training which I still maintain to this day. I had a teacher who told me in high school I would not succeed in higher academia because of my condition. I have since got a Bachelor's degree and am currently studying a master's and JD in law. I say this not to spite her but to prove we can accomplish anything despite what the naysayers and non-believers believe. I've started to believe in MYSELF more and I don't know whether it's spiritual or not but my life has, for the most part, changed drastically in a good way. I continue to move forward not for myself but for God my aboriginal ancestors, my mother, my late stepmother, my current family and most of all to honour you and the rest of the BB community. Just know you are not alone and we are here for you as one big community. Everyone else's negativity is just white noise.I hope you start to feel better soon from the bottom of my heart, warm regards, Rhys

[Doolhof]

Hi Rhys,

I truly thank you for sharing your amazing story of courage, enthusiasm, determination grit and everything else you have needed to keep going. You are very inspirational.

Right now I am feeling confused and devested about life. I keep picking myself up only to feel like someone has pulled the rug out from underneath me again, seeing me crashing to the ground.

We found out today it is extremely likely a mayor trucking route and highway is going to be built right out the front of our home this year.

My mother has told me she doesn't want me to visit her new home unless she has a task for me to do there.

Siblings have told me to stop hassling Mum when all I have done is ask if she needs help and to offer suggestions on where she can gain access to businesses she needs help with.

I have asked for help at work regarding people abusing and yelling at me and I am told it is part of the job and to just get on with it.

My resilience is low and I keep feeling like I am being kicked in the head repeatedly. I try. I really do. But why?

I have some connection with one sibling but that is it.

God seems so distant. Most nights I pray that I will not wake up in the morning.

I know I have so much to be thankful for, but when the mind is so screwed up and the heart is shattered what is the point?

I will read your story again tomorrow. Thank you once more for sharing, I greatly appreciate your sense of encouragement. I sincerely congratulate you on all you have achieved within yourself and academically.

May you continue to shine , regards from Doolhof.

[Doolhof]

I can feel myself declining rapidly.

I don't know where the brakes are anymore to stop this.

I'm throwing out the anchors but they are not attaching to anything.

I don't know where to go to get help.

I don't know where to go for answers to the issues that are haunting me.

My mind is tired. I can't work this out for myself right now.

[topsy_]

Thinking of you Dools. Hang on with every ounce of strength you have. It’s bad now but it will get better. Just know you have a secret crowd barracking for you on here. Phone any or all of the emergency numbers. You are overwhelmed right now but “this too shall pass”. Prayers, kind thoughts & fingers crossed for you. T.