Complex PTSD

[Mara56]

Hi, I'm new to this. I have complex PTSD as a result of multiple traumas including childhood sexual abuse, physical, mental & emotional abuse. My father was a violent alcoholic, mother psychologically disturbed, I was raped at 19, my first husband narcissistic, highly manipulative, controlling, possessive, emotionally, mentally abusive, controlled finances, also an alcoholic and eventually threatened violence. Second husband had depression and I believe PTSD. I carried the relationship emotionally and financially until it took a toll on my mental health. I've seen many counsellors over the years, some caused more damage because despite me telling them about my history they never connected that I had PTSD. Finally found a psychologist I could work with and after several years I got to an ok place, where I could coexist with the flashbacks without them overwhelming me. Then my son died, I worked so hard to give my children a happy, healthy childhood, losing my precious boy has devastated me in ways I can never adequately express. 6 years later I met another man, for most part a good man and things were ok until I started having problems with my health. I've had multiple surgeries, too many to count. The last surgery, was horrific. The treatment I received in hospital triggered so much stuff from my past. When I've dealt with trauma in the past, I have had the benefit of compartmentalisation, as a result of what happened to me in hospital, I seem to have lost the ability to compartmentalise. The past 16 months have been a nightmare. My anxiety is through the roof, and the lows have been frightening at times. I have gone back to regular sessions. But as I've dealt with most of my past, except for my father, I have blocked out a lot of my memories around him. I am starting to wonder whether I need to just accept that this is me, I have complex PTSD and that anxiety, flashbacks, depression, insomnia are all part of it. But when I think that there is nothing I can do to change it.......... I go to a very dark place. I have told very few people in my life that I have PTSD and only a handful of people know about my past. I am conscious it's a lot for people to get their heads around. I'm hoping to connect with other people with PTSD, I feel very alone in it sometimes and I'm interested to hear how other people manage their PTSD. Many thanks

[Guest_1643]

dearest mara

i was looking over some of your posts in this thread, and admiring your amazing journey.

You're so awesome.

Sometimes I had to double check if some of your posts weren't written by me lol, have experienced a lot similar to you.
I'm hoping you are having an okay weekend waiting for monday and taking good care in the meantime

[Mara56]

Hi Sleep 21,

I think that often with specialists they forget that their patients are humans not numbers. I have so many issues related to medical professionals. I already had complex PTSD before my health went down hill, my experience in the past with Drs has resulted in even further trauma. All I want at the moment is to heal but my body just keeps letting me down. I think if I could get a clear run where I didn't have anything major medically going on, I could start to process and heal.

You have my empathy. Having to continually wait for professionals is frustrating. Hopefully things get a little easier for you soon.

I know the diagnosis of complex trauma is daunting, however, I believe it does help having the diagnosis. At least it did for me. It helped me to understand why I am the way I am. The frustrating thing for me is that I had been in therapy off and on for somewhere between 15-17 years before I got a diagnosis. I can't tell you how many psychs and counsellors I saw in that time but no one picked it. How the hell they didn't is beyond me. I was always honest in my sessions. I told them I had been sexually abused as a child by 4 men. I was raped as a young woman. I grew up with an alcoholic violent father and psychologically disturbed mother. I experienced every possible form of abuse growing up including torture. I was a domestic violence survivor as result of my first marriage. Yet no one picked up I had PTSD. It was me that worked it out. I use to work in a health related field and I had a lot of client's who had PTSD, mostly ex-servicemen and police officers etc. As part of my continued study I was required to do a research project. I decided to do mine of the benefits of my field for people with PTSD. When I started doing the research, I couldn't do it. I got so far and it was like OMG this is me! I went to the psych I was seeing at the time and I said "do I have PTSD" she replied "I believe so and I believe it's from multiple trauma" I remember sitting there shocked but also annoyed that I was the one that had to work it out. It would have helped no end having that diagnosis sooner. I wouldn't have given myself such a hard time for reacting the way that I did had I understood. That's all water under the bridge now. Hopefully now you have the diagnosis Sleepy 21 you can receive the therapy you need to heal. That is my wish for you.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dear Sleepy 21,

I just replied to your previous post and hadn't seen this one till after I wrote that reply.

I'm not sure about being awesome but it's very kind of you to say so. Mind I think all of us survivors are awesome! We have physically survived our traumas. Everyone on this forum is trying there hardest to heal. For myself some days at the moment I can only deal with what is immediately in front of me. One step at a time. I have at times this year been in such a dark place, it has been really frightening at times. Thankfully I have an excellent psych who will see me when I'm in that space. I am truly blessed in so many ways and finding him is one of those blessings.

So many of us on here have had similar experiences I think that's why this forum helps in terms of support. For myself I don't have anyone in my circle who has had similar experiences to myself. In fact I find that when I'm out with friends socially and they start reminiscing fondly about their childhood or they are mourning their parents, I can't contribute to the conversation other than to offer support in their grief. My parents died in 2009 and I was relieved when they died. I don't miss them and I don't even remember their anniversaries. I survived them and I changed the cycle for my children.

Re: the weekend yesterday was terrible. Hugely stressful. I have decided not to contact the specialist's rooms on Monday, there is no point she is only there on a Wed. I see my GP on Tues, the specialists cc here into the blood tests results. So she will know if there were any cancer markers in my blood. If there are no markers I can relax a bit. It will still have to be investigated but I can wait till Wed to contact the specialist. In the unlikely event that there are markers and I honestly don't think it is, I think it's a cyst, I will ring the specialist's rooms on Tues. I have plan, I always feel better when I have a plan.

Today has been a relatively good day, still some underlying stress but apart from that I've been ok. I'm trying to meditate and focus on the things I'm grateful for and I have a lot to be grateful for.

Take care Sleepy 21.

Cheers

Mara

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I hope your weekend is going well. Yesterday was hellishly stressful for me, I didn't hear from the specialist late Friday as I hoped. After much thought I have decided to not contact her rooms tomorrow as I know she's not there on a Mon. I see my GP Tues, the specialist cc her into the blood test so she'll have the results when I see her. So I'll get them off her. If the tests don't show any cancer markers I'll wait till Wed to contact the specialist's rooms, I know she's there then. I know that irrespective of whether the markers are there or not it will need to be investigated but at least on Tues I'll know whether they are there or not. I feel better having made this decision. I always feel better when I have a plan. You are absolutely correct about people not understanding the added pressure of PTSD. My anxiety has been through the roof. That said, today has been a bit better day than I have had over the past week.

Lol I don't know about me being amazing but appreciate you thinking I am. I just hope the newspapers continue to put pressure on the federal Govt. The number of sessions available on a MHP needs to be increased. I know they are talking about 20 but I think it needs to be the same number as someone with an eating disorder. My thoughts are that if a Dr and a psychologist believe that you require more sessions they those sessions should be available under Medicare. I have this Joan of Arc side to me, I'm known in my family for protesting whenever I see injustice, well Joan is rearing her head ATM LOL.

I loved your dream. It's lovely when you have a dream that you wake up from feeling positive. Sadly, that doesn't happen for me often but when it does I so luxuriate in it. I just want to say I can totally appreciate the need for anonymity on this forum that said I would love to meet you on day. You are definitely my soul sister. I can see us laughing and enjoy a coffee together.

Thank you for your support Em. Must say if feels good to know that you were proud of me contacting the paper. Not sure I had emotional disconnection doing it, some of what I discussed still triggers me but I felt that despite my discomfort, someone needed to do it. That's where my Joan comes in LOL.

Well I'll quickly go read your thread then I have to get off the computer. Time to cook dinner.

Take care lovely lady.

Much love

Mara xx

[ecomama]

Dearest Mara

Ofcourse I'm proud of you and YOU can be very proud of you too! I'm loving the Joan of Arc coming out too! lol.

The "armour" we wear..... it's so hard to take it off. Maybe taking chinks out bit by bit is a better description and only to SOME people. Only to those that deserve to hear our story. Someone who has earnt the right to hear it.

OR going all out and sharing with the NEWSPAPER lol! I know it's anonymous, but you know how much armour you let down. So that's why I'm proud of you. Proud of you for our cause and proud of you for just doing it.

Great plan for asking GP on Tuesday. Such a strange thing.... I hope they find the cause and then fix it.

Ofcourse dealing with all the health professionals is a struggle for ANYONE going through such things, it's just made all the more difficult for those with MH issues underneath (and to the sides and all over).

I'd love to meet you too. So much. You just never know!

I guess I could wear "Mara" T shirts everywhere lol, imagine that.

Well tomorrow I'm back at work. You would NOT believe the topic for a Conference I'm attending FIRST day back?

Anxiety..... yes. You read it.
AND
Grounding exercises
AND
CBT
AND Exposure therapy.

Sometimes my prayers are answered in the strangest of ways.

I'm feeling rather confronted about the topics actually. Some times I hate it when "the experts" talk about what they haven't experienced. And use pitying terms for those suffering from such.

I'm not sure if anyone there tomorrow has "earnt" the privilege of hearing my story. There are far too many anyway lol.

Time to leave the cocoon of my home, all my books and meditation CDs lol, my Counsellor & kids.

Time to Brave the Wilderness, alone, as Brene Brown describes.

Love EM

[Guest_1643]

hi Mara, I can hear that you've figured out what you want to do and that you can wait until Wednesday when she is in. I'm glad you can keep calling and following up - sign of strength.
It was a lot for me to hear the diagnosis, but i do like that there is a word for what i feel.
"Complex" is okay for me. It isn't an unkind word, it's okay. I haven't thought about it too much, but yes I do hope very much it can lead to gettng the right help. xx

[Alone1973]

Hi Mara56,

i have been reading your posts and I am sorry you had to go through what you did from such a young age, it is hard to struggle with everyday life after what happens to you.

I am new to this and honestly I don’t know where to start, I know how I feel and I know what is wrong with me but as you know it’s hard trying to explain it to others and have them understand.

We are strong and will get through this but some days are harder than others.

Alone1973

[Mara56]

Dearest Em,

I'm not use to people being proud of me, LOL. That said as it's coming from you I will try to accept it.

Yes Joan of Arc. Lol. When she rises up it's very hard to pull her back, Lol. My psych will be thrilled that she's risen again. At least when I'm on a crusade I'm not suicidal. I don't know what will happen in relation to the paper probably nothing & it is scary knowing my story is out there. That said, I'm glad I did it. I know my psych will be impressed when I tell him tomorrow.

So glad I have my appt with the GP tomorrow. When I made this appt the receptionist misheard me and booked it in for last week. I got her to change it to this week. When she booked it early I nearly left it at that but decided at the last minute to push it out. Thank God I did. At least I'll get the results of the blood tests off her. Having MH issues certainly doesn't help & is only exacerbated when some of those issues relate directly to past medical incompetence.

Who knows what the future holds. If I every write a book I'll make sure I use the name Mara. Mind the chances of that is next none. Lol.

I'm not sure if I mentioned previously that Mara isn't my name. It's a pseudonym I created because my actual name combined with my story would make me recognisable to anyone in my circle.

I don't envy you having to attend the conference. I hate those type of conferences. I had to do them all the time in my previous workplace. In my experience they are nearly always run by people younger than myself & who as you say have no personal experience with trauma. I usually sit there thinking I could actually respond here but I think I'll just observe. I had to do training in Feb for my volunteer job. It required learning self defence. I was fine with the theory but when it came time to holds & restraining someone etc. I opted out. I used my dodgy body as an excuse. At that time I was having flashbacks in relation to the rape & the last thing I needed was to be restrained. It was hard enough just watching. In my role the chances of me having to restrain someone are very slim. That's what they employ security guards for. I hope the course went well for you although I suspect you could teach these topics probably better than the trainers. BTW I hate CBT. I'm sure it works well for some people, it didn't for me. Re: your story, I agree with you, sharing something that personal you need feel safe you'll know if it is.

Never enough letters. Lol.

Love

Mara

[Mara56]

Hi Sleepy 21,

I am glad I have a plan. Just really pleased I have the GP tomorrow. It was a last minute decision to make the appt for this week so glad I did.

I will definitely call the specialist on Wed. I shouldn't have to. Even if there are no cancer markers in my blood, from what she and the GP said, it still needs to be investigated. I just think she should have got back to me. These specialists often forget that their patients are human and that the toll of not knowing puts unnecessary stress on their patients. That combined with mental health issues, well I just don't need anymore stress ATM.

I truly hope that now that there is a diagnosis for you, that going forward you'll receive the therapy that will best help you to heal. It took me years to find my psych. I went through 14 therapists before I found him. I can't tell you how glad I am I persevered. He is a God send. I couldn't do the work I have done with anyone else. So grateful to have found him.

It takes courage to seek out the help you need and you have done that. You're on the path to peace.

Take care

Mara xx

[Mara56]

Hi Alone 1973,

Thank you for reading my thread and for posting on it.

Welcome to the forum. This is a safe place to reach out for support. For myself it's been helpful being able to talk to other people who have Complex PTSD. No one in my circle has been through what I've been through, it helps to know that there are others out there that understand how difficult it can be at times.

Thank you for your kind words regarding my past. I appreciate your empathy. In terms of everyday life, I have been fortunate in the past to have the benefit of compartmentalisation. Every trauma had it's own mental box. That is, till 18 months ago. I received some horrendous treatment in hospital post surgery and it basically destroyed all my mental boxes and as a consequence I have been dealing with all the past traumas at one. It's been the worst period of my life. I am just very grateful for the fact that I have a compassionate, and knowledgeable psychologist. I am blessed to have found him. He is the only person who has had the knowledge to be able to help me. I am so glad I persevered. I nearly gave up before I found him. So glad I didn't.

It is hard to try to explain how you feel to others. To be honest, most of the time I don't know how I feel. My psychologist has been doing EMDR with me and that is helping enormously. Mind over the past few weeks I've had so much going on personally we had to put a halt on the EMDR. I hope to go back to it in the next few weeks. It's the only thing that has stopped the flashbacks.

I'm not sure if your seeing a psych or counsellor. But don't give yourself a hard time about not knowing where to start. They are trained to pick up and to dig deeper. When it comes to talking about your story, you'll do it when you're ready. I know for myself they only reason I could be so open on this forum is because I have been in therapy off and on for 36 years. When I first started group therapy, I didn't talk for a year. When I joined the group I honestly didn't think that what I had been through growing up was all that bad. I thought everyone experienced what I did. It has only been in recent years, with my psych telling me that what I went through was horrendous, that it has finally sunk in. It is hard telling others and I still am careful about who I share my history with.

We are strong, we survived the trauma, we will survive the scars from it.

Take care Alone1973, feel free to chat when you're having a difficult day.

Mara x