Childhood trauma

[Bleu]

Hi everyone.

Many stories on here are so relatable to what I went through and am still struggling with. I experienced childhood trauma DFSA, violence, bullying from siblings, emotional psychological abuse. Was treated as the family scapegoat and was blamed for my dads violence even though the rest of the family witnessed it. They tell everyone it was my fault and I was 14 at the time, I tried to run away but parents kept telling everyone I was a problem child and getting the police to find me. I often tried to hide at friends houses or parties. I witnessed horrific abuse towards my siblings from a very young age then it started happening to me when I got older. My siblings weren't the same after the abuse and they became bullies and often ganged up on me. I was the only one who challenged and stood up against my dads abuse. I had eating disorders, teenage drug use, hypersexuality, was coerced into SA from ppl who still try to pretend they are a friend and no one suspects them. Now in my adult years my parents have stolen my money and try to control my finances illegally (not asking for legal advice). There's no guardian orders or anything and they want invoices and receipts otherwise they won't send my money. They use my mental health as an excuse and weaponise my emotions and diagnosis to make me feel like I deserve this treatment and it's okay. I've got many ppl trying to help but my parents either ignore their emails or make up excuses for their behaviour. 

My parents are the source of all my mental health issues and they have financially trapped me into their care and keeping me in the abuse cycle.

Struggling so much and have just been using food for comfort which effects my budget and I'm on DSP.

Been trying to get ahead in life with my goals but somehow my parents find a way to sabotage my plans, I feel like they are 10 steps ahead of me and constantly try to put me down. I've struggled with friendships too and ppl have often told me I must be autistic but I think I just seem to be drawn towards other toxic ppl like how my family treat me. Healthy kind people always felt uncomfortable or unsafe.

Hope all this makes sense.

[Eagle Ray]

Hi Bleu,

That makes total sense. I think it is extremely common for people with complex trauma from childhood to end up in relationships/friendships with people who are unhealthy for them while feeling unsafe with the people who are actually kind, trustworthy and safe. It’s like people being kind can feel unfamiliar, weird and even threatening, while people being exploitative feels normal. I am coming out of this pattern so I hope that gives you some encouragement for you too. I know it isn’t easy.

Your situation with your parents sounds very stressful. I wondered about a few options that may be able to offer advice/support. One is 1800RESPECT. Their number is 1800 737 732. You may be familiar with them and have used them already. The other is The Blue Knot Foundation who assist people with complex trauma. Their counselling line is available from 9am to 5pm (eastern states time) every day and is 1300 657 380. Both have websites with resources and info. I have called Blue Knot a few times and found them very helpful. They focus on safety and stabilisation which for me was good as I called them when in a trauma activated state.

 I’m so sorry reading what you have been through. I think it is a long road to coming to value yourself after all the early denigration and abuse you experienced, but I think it is possible even though gradual and challenging. Have you had, or are you currently getting, any counselling support? It sounds like you need someone with a perspective from outside your family who can help you in navigating how to handle things.

I understand it is tough trying to get ahead. I am actually in the process of a DSP application having tried so hard to get ahead over a long period of time. But even on the DSP you can work as you are probably aware, with amounts deducted if you earn above a certain amount. It would be great if you could connect with something you love doing, even if in a voluntary capacity, which may lead to other things. I have found creative things very helpful in the healing journey with complex trauma.

It is interesting the comments others have made with regard to being autistic. I think it was about 18 years ago I began to think I may be on the autism spectrum and have learned a huge amount about it. I have also worked with autistic kids with whom I felt a great affinity. But I have also learned a lot since about complex trauma which is very similar in a number of ways and I think can look a lot like autism. I think when you lack well-functioning adults to co-regulate with as a child you dissociate and that can bring out a lot of autistic-like symptoms. People with autism can experience a fair bit of dissociation too and often have sensory sensitivity which also can be present in complex trauma. I think what is shared is a hypervigilant nervous system, often intensified by others not understanding the experience of the person well (whether that be a person with autism, complex trauma or both).

I hope you can find some good support. Please feel free to post further if it helps.

Take care,

Eagle Ray