12 years and 2 kids depressed

[TornApart]

Hi. I’m 34 f he is 31 m.12 years, not married, 2 kids 11 and 5. I’m unhappy and out of love/depressed/hopeless. He is trying to say it will change and he will not let me go. Throughout this 12 years there has been a lot of pain and stressful times. I was 22 when I was pregnant he was 19 then turned 20. I have always been sorry for things in our rs and felt as though I have destroyed what could’ve always been for him. He said that also being so young he has lost a lot over the years. I wanted to get married straight away. He was against marriage as his father is a pastor and his mum and dad seperate all the time!! We’ve practically counselled their rs through about 10 years of ups and downs. I have been through domestic violence through shouting, financial abuse, no friends, grabbing, emotional abuse and no mental support. Then the ptsd is there as he flips and goes really well for a while but we end up back in the same spot. There has been various times I have said I’m going to leave and he convinces me otherwise or shuts me down and says no your not leaving. This has now broken me.I have had a few mental depression episodes and feel like I have completely given up. I have seen our children get in between our arguments, our children scared, our daughters anger and sadness has completely taken over her too. But if I leave, I’m hurting my children and breaking up my family. 3 weeks ago I decided that was it and applied for a house through a friend and actually got it! I felt relieved and that fate had finally appeared for me. That I can finally feel free and try be myself and not depressed. I told him and now he has absolutely love bombed me with flowers, crying, promises of change and that he loves me like no other. I have been through this so many times. He says it’s different this time but it’s so hard to believe. He gets explosive anger because my reasonings aren’t enough and I’m just giving up on our rs and our children. While I think this is the best thing for everyone he is so so stuck on that it’s not the best. He has also said because of my mental illness that I am not going to make it on my own, that the children will be worse off. How do I leave when I don’t get my keys until 4 weeks!!?? How do you tell someone over and over that it’s not working but they’re ignoring you. Not listening. Demeaning your choices. How am I supposed to keep my children? How do you leave someone who just says no.

[Sophie_M]

Hi TornApart, 

Thank you for your post today. It must have taken a huge amount of courage to write this and we want to thank you for having the strength to reach out for support from this community. You never know who will read your story and feel less alone in their own experience. Thank you for allowing yourself to seek support and in turn supporting others to do the same. 

We are really sorry to hear that you are facing this right now, it sounds like an increibly difficult situation. Family Violence, in whatever form it may take, is never ok and this is not your fault. From what you have said we are concerned for you and want to suggest some places below where you may be able to get some specialist support. 

We highly recommend getting in touch with 1800 RESPECT  by giving them a call on1800 737 732 or trying their webchat. They are supportive, understanding and non-judgmental people who can help you talk through these feelings and make some decesions.  

You are always welcome to call Beyond Blue on 1300 22 4636 to talk about how you are feeling. We are here for you 24/7, you don't have to go through this alone. You can also reach us via webchat.

You can also call our friends at Lifeline on 13 11 14 - they are also kind, understanding and ready to support you and your mental health and wellbeing. Lifeline also have a webchat option if that works best. 

If at any time you feel unsafe, this is an emergency and you should call 000 straight away. 

Thank you again for joining this community and for sharing your story. It sounds like you have shown incredible strength and reslience. We hope that one of the options above can be helpful for you to ensure that you are supporting yourself as well as your children. We are here for you if you ever want to drop back in and update us on how you are feeling. 

Kind regards, 
Sophie M

[yggdrasil]

Hi TornApart,

Thanks so much for posting on these forums, it takes a lot of courage. I would like to echo what Sophie_M has said. I have called each of the hotlines Sophie_M contributed at various times, and have found them very helpful, so encourage you to give them ago (especially 1800 RESPECT, which sounds very appropriate for your circumstances). Take care of yourself,

yggdrasil