What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

As you say, this thread is becoming the go to place.

So pleased you are seeing your counsellor every week. It does make a difference and two or four weeks can seem like an eternity. I see a psychiatrist every fortnight though I saw her yesterday and have another appointment on Thursday. Unusual to have two appointments in one week but this couple of past weeks have been hard.

Did you manage to phone the suicide call back service? If so I would love know if you found them helpful. It's good your new counsellor sets you at ease. You sound much more positive which is good. It's probably a good idea to talk about your family soon if you are being stressed by it all.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

Yeah, every week will be great. I've actually got to ring her today to book an appointment for next week. Hopefully we can organise it for the same day/time so that it fits with work.

I didn't end up talking to the Suicide Callback Service. Work called me up instead. I will ring them next time I'm feeling suicidal though.

My family... I'm trying not to think too much about it because it makes me more depressed and anxious. There's a lot of tension between everyone at the moment. This mostly because my parents had a big argument last week. I'm just always scared that I'll be yelled at for something. Also, a friend offered to let me stay with her and she'd take me to work etc,. This would mean that I could get a job in aged care. I was pretty excited about this until Dad said that I couldn't. I don't see how I'm going to do this.

The other problem is that it was my brother who abused me. I'm so confused about it all. It's like he was a different person but in some ways he hasn't. Every time he bullied me or made a derogatory comment it always seen as normal: that's how kids are, and I was just to sensitive.

Every time someone says that he's a nice person I just want to scream at them. You don't understand!!! You don't know what he's really like!!! If only you knew what he did to me!!! Why? Why would he do that? Why did I let him? If he even tried to touch me now the whole world would hear about it. Why couldn't I speak up then?

In some ways he's different now. Sometimes I look at him and I'm proud of something he just achieved and I love him. Then he tries to drag me down and it's so hard not to believe him. I just don't understand. How can he be so different and yet still the same. Has anything really changed except he doesn't abuse me anymore? Why do I have to love him? It's like I can't help it because he's family. But its always the people you are close to that that hurt you the most because you least expect it. You trust, you let them in, and they just use you every time. They know all you weaknesses so they know where it hurts the most. My head is spinning in circles and I still don't understand. I'm not sure how I feel about anything anymore.

I'm not even sure why I'm telling you this. I just can't cope with it all anymore.

Mia

[Guest_128]

Mia,

Im really sorry I just skimmed through your last post.

I want to spend time reading through before I chat with you, I just want you to know I care and I will be back.

Dory😘

[Mia001]

Hi Dory,

Thankyou so much. I have been feeling so alone. I've tried ringing, but pnone of my friends answered except one. Will be catching up with her in an hour. I want to forget all this for a few hours.

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

So sorry you are still so unhappy. No need to wait until you feel suicidal before phoning the Suicide Callback Service. Phone when you feel alone and need someone to talk to. I expect you will get around to suicidal feelings at some point and they can help you plan what to do. You need a plan before the crap lands on you. Has anyone suggested you get the Beyond Now app for your phone? It's a good tool to have but needs completing before you become distressed as it will help you to take the right actions. It's on BB but I think it is also on the App Store. Free download.

Mia, excuse me for not knowing, but how old are you? Are you old enough to leave home and stay with a friend? I thought you were. I know you are very wary with your family and this sounds like a good idea to get out of all the arguments etc. If you are underage of course this is different.

Have you spoken to your psych about your brother? I think this should be a priority when you next meet. It's also a good idea to be away from home for just that reason. I can't tell you to go or not but I do urge you to talk about this soon with your psych.

Feeling you are not coping is a worry for me. I hope you have made that appointment. I suggest you make several appointments ahead of time when you are next in the consulting room and keep adding a few more so you know the psych will be there. In my opinion, if an appointment clashes with work, go to the appointment and turn up afterwards for work. Your mental health is the primary need just now. If you can arrange your appointments for the same day and time you could tell your employer not to roster you or call you in that day because you have something else of importance to do. Don't let them bully you into missing your appointments or telling them where you are going.

Keep writing.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

The Beyondnow app sounds like a good idea... it's downloading as I write.

I'm 17 and not really sure when old enough will be. I understand where Dad is coming from, it's just that he letting me housesit. 🏡 What's the difference? He also said I could do nursing but it seems like he's making that hard too. I don't want to just walk out when I'm 18, because I love my family. I don't want to do that to them. They wouldn't understand why and I'd never be able to explain it. Maybe the problem is that I'm so used to hiding my emotions so they never really know how I'm feeling. I don't know. All I know is that leaving would make everything worse.

No I haven't told the new counsellor about my brother yet. Mostly we were getting used to each other, and talked about where I'm at now. I did tell about my suicidal thoughts though.

I have another appointment for Friday. I am planning to book a few ahead and hopefully get a routine going. I spoke to the store manager at work and told her I would be going to counselling every week. She seemed quite understanding, asked if I was okay. I'm just going to text her when I know the times and she said she'll make sure the roster works out. This way no one else has to know and I don't have to ask for RTO which needs 2 weeks notice.

Yes, I'm quite happy to have some sickies if I have to. 😉 It shouldn't be a problem though.

How have you been? I hope you're taking care of yourself too.

Talk later,

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

I'm not sure why I thought you were older. This is what happens when you get very old, you make assumptions. Sorry about that and please ignore my comments about moving out, totally inappropriate.

I found the app really good. I showed it to my psychiatrist and she thought it was good and commented that what I had written, especially about warning signs, was good and accurate. So lots of pats on the back.

You may well be hiding your emotions at home and that may not be the best, although I can see why you do this. Telling your parents about your brother would be horrendous. It is an important topic to discuss with your psych. If the time comes for you to tell them it may be good to do so in your psych's office with her there. Then she can explain things. However, you are nowhere near that at the moment. Get to know your psych and talk about the things you are comfortable with before you get into the more heavy stuff.

Good idea with the appointments. I hope your manager remembers to check your rosters, but you have set up a good system with texting and that should work well.

My grandson lived with me for over three years while he completed an apprenticeship to be a chef. Now he has left I am finding the house very quiet. Not that he was noisy but I suppose he was at work or in his room and that made the house feel different. No, I have no idea why this is so. My grocery bills will be smaller and the coffee won't disappear as quickly. And if I cannot sleep I can watch TV without worrying if I will wake him.I am starting to sew my three little granddaughters some summer dresses. I promised before I had pneumonia but that's gone now and the warm weather has started. Too warm for this time of the year.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

It's completely all right. Don't worry! Most people are surprised when they find out my age. 😁

Yes, the app is very good. Maybe I should go through it with the counsellor and see what she adds to it.

I think maybe it's just become instinctive to hide my emotions. It seems like the more depressed I am the harder I try to appear happy. Then everyone comments on how happy I am all the time when really it's the opposite. Eventually it gets to the point where I don't care anymore and then they usually just think I'm tired and a bit stressed. I feel stuck in a cycle. They ask how I am, I say I'm ok. But really I'm just desperately hoping that someone will notice what's going on. The words just seem to get trapped inside my head and I can't speak out.

Yeah, I'm not really sure what to say at my appointment this week. I guess I'll tell her it was my brother and see what she says. I don't really see any reason to put it off. She seems to be really nice, actually she reminds me of the TAFE counsellor. I think I can trust her.

I don't think I'll ever want to tell my parents but this is definitely something else that will have to be talked about. I'm going to try to take things one step at a time. 👣 Just see how it goes. I don't want to overload myself at the moment.

It must be quiet being on your own! I know what you mean about it feeling different when there's no one else in the house. My brother is much the same but when he's not there it feels very different.

I wish I could see your little granddaughters when they get their new dresses. 👗 It has been warm this year hasn't it. It's not even summer yet but some days it feels like it!

Mia

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Sure is warm for the time of year. It's OK at the moment but I dread the summer being very hot.

Yes, show the app to your counsellor. It good to have a second opinion. Although I mentioned telling your parents about your brother, please be assured I am not pushing you to do this. If or when the time comes you will be so much stronger and able to manage. Until then, concentrate on getting yourself as resilient as possible.

Putting on your party face is very energy consuming, energy that could be better used to manage your daily living. I would hate to see you in the future unable to access your emotions because of the huge wall you have constructed. Perhaps that is another topic to discuss. What would happen if you were simply you and joined in conversations or simply listened without the urge to laugh and be jolly? There are many people who are quiet in a group. People will get used to a quieter you and you can relax and probably enjoy yourself more. Just a thought.

I think I have not got used to an empty house. Well empty except for me. I lived here for 14 years before he joined me. It took a while to adjust to having someone else living here and now I am adjusting to being quiet again.

My granddaughters get excited when I take them new dresses. I think it's because they know they are specifically made for them. Not the same as buying them in a shop. One of the girls will be eight in a couple of weeks.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

I know what you mean about it taking a lot of energy! I find I'm tired more than I should be. I think this is something I'll definitely have to talk to my counsellor about this week, because at the moment I feel numb almost all the time.

I have no work today! 🎉 The rest of the week I'll be pretty busy so I'm going to try and enjoy today! I'll also ring my nurse friend and have a chat as we haven't spoken in a while. She'll be wondering if I'm okay, and I want to tell her how my appointment went last week.

Talk later,

Mia