What happened doesn't have to define me

[Mia001]

Hi everyone!

I'm new here. Not really sure what to do. Where do I start? Any suggestions?

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

I'm so sorry to hear about your Mum, you must be so worried about her. Just letting you know I'll be thinking of you both and if you need someone to talk to, I'll be here. Sending lots of hugs.

Yeah, my appointment went well. I'm so glad I told my psych because she was really nice about it, and didn't seem to care that I lied about it. Apparently, a lot of people come in because of abuse so I guess she's used to it. She also said that she doesn't have to report it because I'm old enough to report it myself. That is such a relief! At least I know I can talk openly about it without worrying. I still have to wonder if there are some exceptions. I'll ask her next time anyway.

It was a lot harder to talk about than I expected. I didn't expect to be overwhelmed by so many emotions. I was so scared that I kind of froze up. I kind of wanted to talk about, and I kind of didn't. It's probably just going to take time to tell the whole story. She also said that I dissociate sometimes which is a coping mechanism. It basically means I become emotionally numb or detached. I guess sometimes it's easier to not feel anything.

By the time I left I was a mess, so I bought myself a hot chocolate and then went to the library. I actually ended up meeting a friend there whom I hadn't seen in a while. He asked how I was going so I just told him. He's been abused too, so I guess it was nice to talk to someone who understands. At least I know I can trust him not to tell everyone.

Anyway, I've got to help with dinner and we've got visitors. I'll hopefully talk later tonight:)

Take care,

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Hi Mia, and thanks for your reply.

Firstly I reiterate what Mary said with regards to your discussion with your Mum. Very well done, and I am sure it must be a big relief to know you can turn to her if needed.

Glad to hear that your psych apt went well. Of course she was nice about you having previously deceived her! And yes, I am sure it happens a lot. It is incredibly hard to open up about such things, as you well know. But you did it! I am celebrating mightily on your behalf Mia. Just knowing you can now speak openly and honestly with her will prove to be a big relief for you I'm sure. To finally be able to speak of what happened will now enable you to start the healing process and allow you to move on from it, without the pain of the past swallowing you up.

But oh gosh, I sure do understand what you mean when you described talking about it! Did I say it would be easy? Nope, I believe I warned you that it would be really difficult. There are so many emotions involved when it comes to any form of sexual abuse. So its not surprising you felt the full spectrum of emotions when trying to talk about it, and became a little overwhelmed by it all.

I felt much the same when I first tried to speak of my sexual assault. I wanted to get it out, but nothing would come. I just sat there mute, with tears falling down my face and trembling like a leaf in a tornado. In the end she asked me to go home and write what happened on a piece of paper and to bring it back to her the next day. Thats the only way I could tell her what actually happened. I guess it comes from trying to force the incident out of our heads for many years, to try and forget. But that isnt healthy, and doesnt allow us to get on with a full and happy life. You've done the right thing Mia, and in time you will most definitely feel the benefits of it.

Yes I dissociated during my assault, and have done on a few occasions since. It is very much a coping mechanism. When we cannot reconcile with what is happening or its too painful, we block it out the best way we can. Dissociating achieves that aim very nicely.

Little wonder you were an emotional mess after your psych session. But it was a very good move to treat yourself to a hot chocolate. Certainly you deserved a reward for what you went through. Its also very opportune that you came across your friend at the library and that you were able to talk to him about things too.

Honestly Mia, I couldnt be more proud of you.

Taurus xx

[Guest_9809]

Hi Mia,

I expect you're having a busy week, as is pretty usual for you. You're still house sitting in town arent you?

Been thinking about you, and hoping that your emotions and feelings of anxiety have settled down since your psych appointment. Or perhaps you're feeling emotionally numb right now? It can take a while to process everything that takes place during a psych session.

Anyway, I hope you're doing well. And I look forward to talking to you again when you're ready.

Taurus xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

Just dropping by to see how you are going. Hot chocolate and an old friend, that sounds great. I enjoy a hot chocolate occasionally, it can be so comforting.

I don't know if this will help but can you write a couple of notes for your next session. Once you have them in front of you it may be easier to talk about them. I do understand it may be difficult to write this down but it may be easier to do this when you are on your own rather than trying to collect your thoughts in the session.

A good psych will not get upset that you have not disclosed some facts. They understand how to eat an elephant, one bite at a time. I expect it continue to be hard for a while, but at the same time it will become easier as you get more comfortable talking.

MAry

[Mia001]

Hi,

Mary - Yeah, I think I know what you mean. We can't fix other people's lives for them, no matter how much we want to. I guess I have to learn to step back a bit, and take care of myself. Once I can take care of myself, then I can help everyone else too.

I'm glad I told Mum too. 😊 I just wish I'd done it sooner.

Taurus - Yeah, still housesitting.🏡 It does make it harder because I can't use the wifi at night like at home. I guess mostly it's because I haven't felt like it. I'm still trying to process everything, and sometimes I'm ok, but sometimes I'm worse.

I actually felt pretty awesome yesterday. It was probably because I got a decent night's sleep and has some energy. 😴 It's amazing how much better that makes you feel. I guess I'm just used to feeling exhausted and numb all the time.

But then today i was back to square 1. I felt terrible and I just wanted to stay in bed. I nearly rang work to cancel my shift because I didn't want to go. I'm going anyway, because I can't really call in sick. There's nothing wrong with me; I just don't want to face my life!

I'm not really sure how I feel after Saturday. I'm glad I told her, and I wish I had talked more, but then maybe it's a good thing I didn't. Maybe I just wasn't ready for it. I don't know. I knew it would be hard, but I didn't realise I would be so emotional. When I told my friend it was so much easier and I told her a lot more, but maybe that's because I trust her. It was only my 2nd appointment with this psych. I guess that makes it harder. I just couldn't seem to talk about it. 🤐

I'm going to try and catch up with my best friend soon which will be good. She always makes me feel better. Going to get a haircut 💇🏻tomorrow because I've been growing it so I can change the style. I'm looking forward to that.

(hugs)

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

It's nice to hear from you again. I just wrote a reply and just saw your message so I thought I'd better answer before I start procrastinating again!

I think writing notes 📝 is a great idea. I did write some for last time, but they were very general. It was helpful though it's probably better to write something more specific. I just find there's so much I want to say and never enough time! 🕙 I also get very easily sidetracked. It's like I want to talk about it, but I'm scared so I talk about everything but the main issue.

My next appointment is at the end of September so I've got plenty of time to get organised!

Mia

[Guest_9809]

Good morning Mia. Well its Friday already, and back home for the weekend for you I expect?

How are you holding up now? I can see that your emotions have been all over the place earlier this week. Thats quite normal Mia, so please dont feel as though you are doing anything wrong in that regard. You will feel as though you are on a roller coaster for a while. But things will settle, and each appointment with your psych will become just a little easier. Yes its very true that you have only had 2 sessions with this psych, so you are doing amazingly well considering. Very proud of you in fact.

Did you get your hair cut yesterday as planned? I hope you're you happy with the new style. Getting a haircut and new style can be a bit of a morale booster, so that was a good move on your part.

Have you managed to catch up with your best friend yet? Perhaps thats something you may get to do over the upcoming weekend.

Mia you have another month now before your next psych appointment. Plenty of time to process whats already been, and to think about how much more you are confortable in telling your psych. Dont push yourself if you dont feel ready to tell her more, that can wait. Just do things in your own time, as you feel you're able. To do too much too soon, may result in overload and could hinder the healing process.

Follow Mary's advice about taking notes. Jot things down as you think of them, otherwise you'll forget on the day. You may even consider doing what I did and write some poetry or prose about what has happened to you. Its a good way of getting facts and emotions on paper, and yet still remain a little remote from it at the same time. Its also a good way for your psych to get to know you a little better.

Its very important for you to remember that you are in control of this process Mia. You have not had control over some past events, but with your therapy ... you do.

I hope you have a restful weekend Mia as you continue to process things, in what has been a big week for you.

Hugs to you {{ Mia }}

Taurus xx

[White_Rose]

Hello Mia

My psychiatrist used to get so frustrated when I went off subject, usually by making a joke. He used to say why did I change the subject when I was getting somewhere. Well, that was the point. I was getting somewhere and then panicked and went somewhere else.

Can you make a list of all the things you want to talk about, then at your next appointment you can talk about the list and perhaps prioritise what you want to talk about first. This will give you a structure and I think makes it more reassuring. You know what to talk about first and that the other parts will get hearing later.

It may also mean that in solving/understanding one part will also answer another so two items crossed off your list. You can always change the order if something crops up. Not a rigid list set in concrete. As you say, you have a month to get organised. If I have that much time to do a job I find I leave it to the last minute then get cross with myself for not completing it earlier. Start by thinking about what you want to talk about and scribble them down straight away. We all know how easy it is to forget.

Mary

[Mia001]

Hi Taurus,

Yes, I'll be going home tonight. Hopefully I'll be able to spend some time with Mum tomorrow. I'm looking forward to seeing Sundara again too. 🐱

My emotions are still all over the place. I guess it's just going to take a while to settle down. I had a chat with my nurse friend yesterday, and she suggested that I consider meds. I'm not very keen on it, but it's probably a good idea, for the short term. She also recommended that I see someone that specialises in sexual abuse, and I'm looking into that. It's through Community Health and is free so that would work out well. Its probably a better long term option too. I feel a bit stupid for changing my mind about my current psych, but I think my friend is right. I have to find someone that really clicks with me, and knows how to deal with my situation.

I haven't caught up with my best friend yet, except for a brief chat. She's pretty busy with work at the moment. We're trying to work out a time for next week that suits us both.

I love my haircut! The girl did a great job, and it looks heaps better.

I've started writing some notes. Hopefully that will help me organise my thoughts a bit more. I guess if I get stuck I can just give it them to read.

Talk to you later,

Mia

[Mia001]

Hi Mary,

Yeah, I tend to do that too. I start talking and then change the subject. I usually end up coming back to it when I'm ready though. Sometimes it just seems to take a while to say it all. It's easier in little bits. At the moment, I think I just need to take it slow like Taurus said. There's no point rushing if it's only going to make things worse.

I'm working on the notes.📝I really need to sort out what I should prioritise. The problem is I can't decide what needs fixing the most: dealing with now, or the past. I want to do everything at once! Typical me.

See you later,

Mia