This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I am sick of being isolated and alone.

At work. At home. All over.

[Lisa611]

Hi All...well I have to agree that we are in quite a state. If people were just kind to each other we would be in a much better place. Airies sorry to hear that your son has flown the coup again. At least he was able to visit. V nobody likes being alone. My other half has gone away for a week to play golf. How you can play golf in this weather is nuts! Twenty of them have gone! V I don't like being on my own either. Am happy to sit in silence with company. It's absolutely pouring rain here at the moment. I guess we all use this forum as a source of "friendship." It's nice to know that I can talk about my mental health honestly on here. Right now I feel really stable. Am so glad that I have come out of the dark fog of a really bad low and that I haven't relapsed. Being on the right meds is so important. I once asked my psych about those with bipolar who have erratic moods and his response was they're not on the right meds. I've been on meds for so long 23 yrs I don't know what I'd be like without them. I know that I'll be on them forever. I hope everyone is coping ok. Am here to chat if anyone is free : )

[quirkywords]

Sorry velvet.

i sometimes feel I don’t belong anywhere.

I feel I am Weed that is right plant In wrong place

[velvetfaerie]

People are nasty and selfish.

[quirkywords]

Velvet I am sorry you are experiencing people being mean and selfish.
Is your kind boss back and being supportive.

Everyone here on this thread is listening .

[white knight]

A lack of feeling of belonging?

My family before I was born came from Tasmania. I was born in Newcastle where, being a mining town everyone in the street was auntie and uncle. Then at 6yo we settled in Melbourne's western suburbs where, in a migrant area I never felt at home.

Xmas saw us for 6 weeks in Tassy on a dairy farm. That was home. The community small, relatives everywhere, everyone knows everyone.

 I've lived in several country towns in Victoria and am happy here but it isn't home, my kids are in Melbourne and few people we know here.

It's just the way it is.

TonyWK

[velvetfaerie]

Gym session helped.

It's just we all have our stuff and supporting each other is how we survive. Sometimes it's one more than someone else. That's the ebb and flow of life. Humans are also a village. It's hard being isolated and alone.

This isn't a metaphor. I am isolated and alone. I live alone. I work alone for the most part. My friends are all busy with their families. I am completely isolated and alone AND grieving. My parents don't give a rats.

I never found "home" because I was too busy trying to survive, on my own. Sometimes that meant leaving leaving home fast with all I had in my car. I never did anything society expected because why should I? I never married or had kids.

[white knight]

Yes Quirky we are here listening to Velvet.

For many years now I've promoted "being radical" in my threads in some circumstances. I fell into being radical out of desperation when younger, swinging from manic to depression undiagnosed and impulsive I bought and sold 80+ cars, had 90 jobs and 15 professions... I was a roller coaster.

When problems arose eg I had suicidal thoughts over my relationship I eventually left and drove interstate, found a new job and stayed in a caravan park for a few weeks till I found my direction again. In one way it was scary, in another I had escaped a bad mindset and situation.

When someone finds themselves in a place mentally and physically and relationship wise that is unproductive, has no foreseeable future and is depressing, then radical steps could be considered. A change of environment can work wonders. I'm in a small town and when depressed I simply walk around the block- amazing what you see and feel, talk to a stranger, pat a dog, listen to birds. On a larger scale it can save you from yourself.

Such radical steps can include-

• buy a cheap caravan and leave town/job/relationship.
• get a pet
• change career/profession
• take a break from family that are not supportive
• appreciation of your life (eg bad parents), that ebb and flow of life you describe. watch- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MpfuMFsBgNk
• never give up. Develop that attitude
• Focus on those wonderful things in life that are free and under rated in your mind
• watch - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BhrtbBrMQ1Y

A new beginning. It's your call, you dont have to do anything, but even minor changes and remaining where you are can be life changing. Anything but remaining stagnant.

TonyWK

[velvetfaerie]

Pet - done.

Ending toxic relationships- done. Romantic one 2 months ago. Other ones that drain me - pulled away a lot.

Walk - on the cards for today. I didn't go to work.

Leaving job would be good, but the jobs advertised now are wanting 20 years experience and want to pay minimum award. Covid is now and excuse for greed in many cases. When income and expenditure on basics are almost at parity. I'm not in a position to lose 20k a year. Who is?

I've never given up totally. Maybe for a day like today.

Promoting being radical has its merits, born of bipar mabia perhaps? There are other conditions which stall the radical too.

[white knight]

Thanks for replying. I hear you. I admit to not knowing enough about your life though so now I'm a little more knowledgable.

Employment, the lack of security, the lack of union strength, effects of Covid, minimum wages and so on have all been massive new challenges for those like you that are still in the workforce.

As a prior business owner I had other challenges, withhold my own tax, company issues, generating work and so on. It was tough for 18 years.

Prior to that business I was in security and had zero union strength. Standing in the sun at 48 degrees (or 6 degrees below zero) without a official meal break for 12 hours wasnt fun. Oh, the bad memories.

I'm pleased you dont give up. Sometimes venting can seem that way from a readers view. As for being radical, I've found my daily life can be changed radically without leaving home. We have lakes here and sitting on a grassy bank watching the birds can be radical if we dont do it often.

I hope you feel better later on today.

TonyWK