This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I just won't lower my standards again. Hey, it's nice feeling desired, but, it takes a lot more than that to get my interest. I am happy being me. 

I don't sit still long enough to read. I'm a podcast girl these days. Vivienne Leigh was amazing. I love the golden age of Hollywood stars.

I don't purchase anything really unless it's for survival. Apart from not having much cash for discretionary spending, I just don't have much passion for anything at the moment other than learning, (teaching myself stuff).

We have a dude at work who's had covid 3 times. Poor dude. He's a nice guy too.  

The one dude of the 4 I really liked, I do miss him. I suspect he has borderline personality disorder, on top of 2 other conditions he told me about. He has a piece of me, but we will be too toxic for each other at the moment. 😔 I don't think we will ever speak again.

[quirkywords]

I agree I have always admired Vivien And wonder if she had been born at a different would her life have been different. 

Velvet your insights into your feelings inspires me to try harder.

Aries, like you I have much in common with Asdff too. 

wow covid 3 times I am  juts trying to get over covid 6 mths ago. 

I too like reading posts and welcome anyone who has not written  a post before . This is a supportive and understanding place. 

[asdff]

Velvet, I like that you have standards. I feel the need to try and teach my children it’s okay to be fussy when choosing a partner. There are something I couldn’t give two hoots about; wearing designer labels, driving a fancy car. Was my future husband a nice person? Tick. Did he have similar values? Tick. Etc etc. I’m not saying I got it right on the first boyfriend I had. Far, from it. I think the bad experience, made me realise what I would and would not put up with.

Airies and Quirky, it is a beast this Bipolar. Sometimes the Beast can be changed, other times it is out of control. That is what is frightening. I laughed to myself reading an “inspirational quote” on the Internet. “Wake up and choose to have a good day”. Ha ha, as if? We can’t choose anything to do with bipolar, it’s there waiting for you (if you are lucky enough to sleep). We can’t choose this have a bad day or a good day. Our brains are hardwired a certain way. 

[quirkywords]

Inspirational quotes. I like realistic ones.

I don’t like it when people say happiness is a choice. 

[Lisa611]

Hi All I've just been catching up on everybody's posts. Right now I'm sitting at my partner's hospital bedside. He's been here for a week. Tomorrow he's having triple bypass surgery. It's been stressful. He'll spend 2 days in intensive care and then another 5-7 days in a ward. I have a 2 week break after next week so that works out well. I saw my psych yesterday very briefly because I wanted to get to the hospital. There's nothing wrong with having standards V.  It took me till I was in my late 40s to meet the right one. We took our relationship slow. We didn't live together for 5 yrs! I hope everything goes well tomorrow.

[quirkywords]

Lisa

That is stressful for you and your husband. My partner had the same surgery  well quadruple by pass over 20 years  and he is well and close to 80

sending you both kind thoughts. 

[asdff]

Sending strength Lisa. How stressful! 

Quirky, that must have been a stressful time for you? 

[Lisa611]

Thank you for the thoughts. The surgery went well. He ended up having a quadruple. At the moment I'm sitting in ICU. He's still sedated. I came in at 5.30 this morning to pick up his stuff. They let me stay with him until the orderly came to take him. It's been a trying day.

[Airies]

Hi folks, Lisa sending you and your partner kind thoughts. I’m sure he will recover well. I’m forever watching the medical shows and marvel at their expertise and ability to relate to people on an individual level. 
Asdff like you what’s a good day. This medicated state is such a pain. My sister wants to catch up for my birthday.I’ve suggested a place but she wanted another. Just the hassle parking  somewhere has got my back up. I can’t be bothered. My world is tiny yet I flit from idea to idea, that constant need to seek and yet I don’t see myself living to a ripe old age whatever that is.

On a positive note I am so lucky to have an understanding wife, 2 delightful yet different children who have grown into fine adults.

[asdff]

Oh Airies, your post made me cry. We are so similar in every way. I too flit from thought to thought, I overthink EVERYTHING! Your Sister should let you have what you want on your Birthday. I also can’t see myself living to a ripe old age. It’s exhausting being middle aged. I know myself and I am hypomanic. I am irritable and wanting to do everything, yet nothing seems to get achieved. It’s not good timing as it’s nearly school holidays and the huge crash comes after the high. Over the school holidays; I have medical appointments for myself and one of my children. Nothing serious, it just takes my energy. The planning and execution of the plan. Plus my children always want me to run them here, there and everywhere. I do say no to some stuff and they are becoming independent; using public transportation, riding bikes etc. 

Lisa, I hope you are doing okay today and your partner is okay too. I’ve seen a person close to me on ICU after a heart attack, I empathise with you. Look after yourself as much as you can.