This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[quirkywords]

Aries

life is dangerous as you get older.

i find sharp paper a real menace.

I think I want live long enough to find a decent guy .

[velvetfaerie]

Taking it slow is on the cards. He is a about connecting with a person. We have that and chemistry in spades. The rest is exploring all that over time.

I'm not used to that or being treated like a human being. I've freaked out twice because of it, but I know it's on me. Been doing a lot of self education and soul searching the last few days. 

HAHAHA Airies!!! OUCH!! But oh what a comical vision. I need to attack my garden. 

Gotta love when the trash takes its out Lisa!!!

[quirkywords]

I meant to write in last line  of  previous post,  I think I won’t live long enough etc.

[Lisa611]

Velvet and Quirky sometimes we self sabotage because we don't think we're worthy of love. It takes alot of reflection to break the patterns of behaviour that have become our norm. Airies I hope you don't have to wait too long to see a specialist. I see my psych tomorrow. I'm going to ask if my antidepressant can be reduced again. I'd like to try anyway. End of school is drawing near. Yay! Am really looking forward to the break. Hope everyone is ok 🙂

[velvetfaerie]

Does it ever Lisa. I've been reflecting and educating myself the last few days. 

He's been busy with work, (massive shifts), so I've got the brain space to look at the trauma I've had and how it affected me. I don't want it to affect anything we may have.

[Lisa611]

Velvet it's really hard not to take your baggage from past relationships into something new. Our insecurities and past experiences influence the decisions we make today. When I first met my partner I was open to something new but he wasn't my usual type. I told myself I deserved to be happy and took the chance. Seven years later and we're still going. He's a lovely man - smart, honest, kind. He accepts me flaws and all. It has been one of the best decisions I have made. We took things slow. We became friends first. We didn't live together for 5 yrs. Just take note of red flags. Am so glad you've met someone. I hope it works out for you 🙂

[asdff]

Hello, I have been meaning to come online for about a week to see how everyone is going but I’ve been so busy. I’ve been going okay. I’ve been doing a bit of keeping myself so busy to not overthink situations. Also reminding myself somethings are out of my control.

Now off to read about what you’ve all been up to. 

[asdff]

Lisa, you are so mature with your relationship advice. I am so lucky my husband is awesome. My BP made me very flighty with getting into relationships too quickly, I wanted the “one” to be easy to find but I also had standards. I’m sorry if this all sounds rude or insensitive. 
Velvet, I am very happy for you finding a new someone to hangout with and see where it goes.

Quirky, I am so sorry for your loss. May you treasure the memories of your friend.

Airies, I have a cut on my pointer finger and I’ve no idea how I got it!! School is nearly over here. I’ve been flat out with end of term things, starting to buy new things for next year. Plus buying and posting Christmas gifts to relatives interstate etc etc.

[velvetfaerie]

Lisa, thank you for sharing that. That's beautiful. 

I've realised this week that my cptsd is chewing on me a bit. I'm sure he's the same. We both have had traumatic childhoods, traumatic romantic relationships and are adhd. He has the added bonus of autism. I've had 3 emotional floods this week because I've seen things that simply are not there, red flag wise, BUT, I have not knee jerked as I would have. I've played it cool. His presence is helping me in an odd way. I hope he's also reflecting and learning. We barely know each other. I've made it clear with words how I feel. He has to a degree as well but he isn't as wordy. That's the autism and fear of rejection.

Overthinking is fun. Not. I get is. 

CPTSD....  people pleasing too is another things from CPTSD. 

We all understand on one level or another

[quirkywords]

Lisa,thanks for your advice. My problem is I rush into relationships and pick the wrong person. I accept red flags because I am flawed  and do believe I can’t complain because I have so many problems to deal with. I am also hard to live with. I know this as my children and 2 exes and present partner have told me!

Velvet your post was so honest and moving,