This bipolar life

[Kazzl]

Are your moods are like an elevator with no control buttons? Mine are.

Ground floor ... I feel normal, content, just quietly getting on with ordinary, everyday life, loving my family and friends. This is as it should be. And maybe there's nothing wrong with me after all. Live.

Going up, top floor. Oh look! There's a shiny thing! I want to sing! Let's go buy stuff! Let's have a big party and invite the world! What could possibly go wrong! Woooooo hoooooooo! Play.

Going up (a different day) top floor. What do you mean you don't agree with me! I'm right! Why don't you think like me? Keep up! How can you be so illogical? I'll f-ing shred you if you don't do what I want! Rage.

Going down, lower ground floor. Flat, listless, can't be bothered. Can still function but it's a drag. Cope

Going down, basement. I'm never getting out of bed again. I'm useless, worthless. Total idiot, how could I ever imagine I could do anything, nothing ever goes right because I'm wrong. I'm a burden to everyone. Hide.

Welcome to my bipolar world. It's always been my world, but it's only recently I've seen it for what it is. About 15 years ago I was diagnosed with clinical depression during one of my 'basement' times. I had a lot of lower ground floor times too, on and off, and I kept out of the basement (so I thought) with alcohol. Until that took me into the blackest ever basement with only one obvious way out. Having survived doing something very dangerous I realised I had to stop drinking or I really would die.

I never took much notice of the playful times or the anger, that was just me, I was fun sometimes, and sometimes I was a devastating bitch. Ha! Deal with it people!

Well, yes, but in time the elevator started going up and down too quickly and, as I became more aware and more knowledgeable about mental health I realised this wasn't good. Doctor. Diagnosis. Bipolar 2. Lithium.

So, I've started this thread in the hope that other bipolar folks will join me, to share experiences and strategies. In my 'beginners' understanding, we are different from other fellow travellers of the back dog. While we experience depression as many others on this site do, the hypomanic or manic ups and, for some the rapid cycling that can happen, are experiences unto themselves.

I want to learn more, and I want to share with others. I hope my fellow elevators will join me here.
BTW, it's a ground floor day in my head today! Yay!

Love

Kaz

[velvetfaerie]

I never met my grandads as they both passed before I was born.

I met my grandma a fair few times but due to family issues I never spent much time with her.

My Nana is the one I spent lots of time with growing up.

All my grandparents are now gone.

It's like I hurt because my entire family is hurting too. It's a very deep, painful hurt that feels connected to others. Visceral. Genetic.

[quirkywords]

Your Nana sounds like a wonderful caring person who touched so many hearts. That is such a special relationship you had with her.
Do you feel the shared love you had for your Nana is bringing your family closer together.

I like that word , Nana and chose that name for my grandchildren to call me.

[velvetfaerie]

I think the day we all gather will be the test. The family hasn't been all together in many decades.

[quirkywords]

I hope the best is brought out in everyone when you all get together.

[asdff]

Leisa, we are masters of masking. We should all won Oscars. I was in a gym class recently, the instructor says get angry. I said I have no problem with that. She said you, you are always smiling. I said ask my Husband. Yes, I’m smiling in the gym. It’s my happy place, my place of religion. Somewhere i don’t overthink. I do sometimes overthink in there but I am doing something with my body. So mind focuses on that.

[asdff]

V, sorry for your loss. Nana’s are special.

[quirkywords]

Asdff for the gym to be my happy place it will need to have comfy couches lots of herbal rea and lots of books but no Lycra.
the idea of skinny women exercising in expensive exercise gear tends to intimidate me.

I am trying to be the Nana my grandchildren will miss but my family is so busy,

[asdff]

Your post re: the gym made me smile quirky. I don't worry how I look in my exercise gear. I am the one in the bright clothing and my frends say. Oh you are bright today. My response, yeah it's for a mood boost! It's also for the endorphin hit Quirky. We do have a few skinny women in expensive clothing. I don't gravitate towards them. I gravitate towards the smilers, the once who care about the others in there. There are a few of them in there. We support one another.

I was messaging my Mum saying when I am in a low point the directness comes spilling out. I can't hold back the things I 've been holding in for months, even years come out. It's like lava, or Pandora's Box. Where you've been stuffing the issues. It's full and the issues spill out of the bulging box. Who else has this happen? We are generaly lovely people bu when enough is enough. We get short and shapr. Well I do. Pysch appoint on Wednesday. Plus I was triggered with some of my trauma. So I will see the person tomorrow and appologise but remind them that I was a child of divorce. When speaking about divorce, I might not be able to contain my feelings or something like that. I am not a deliberatly huftful person but triggered. 

[Leisa68]

I definitely have Pandora's box, like you, asdff's mine get's full and then I just break down or lash out. It's a horrible feeling either way and you don't mean it, you just can't take it anymore. I hope you get to release some stuff with your psych this week, I have my appointment as well, as I haven't been doing too well. Anyway, I have some idea of how you feel. It's very hard.

Not much has been happening around here lately, a few outings have been canceled due to the flood, but I am getting a lot of work done. Next Saturday a trip to the local city hall to look around then lunch afterward. That is something to look forward to. Another movie with the other half this evening.

I hope you are all well

Leisa

[quirkywords]

Asdff

yes I relate to what you wrote. I have emotions, truth serum packed near my heart.when I feel tire, pushed, or picked on, out the serum oozes with months or years of built up emotions and my truth. The only cure is prevention.